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#4335 - 08/11/03 08:24 PM Re: Sexual Dysfunction
bec Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/02
Posts: 187
Loc: chicagoland area
hello men:

i am grateful for this post. it is very interesting and meaningful to me. you see, i suspect i suffer from 'sexual anorexia'.

i am a 40 year old virgin who has had many opportunities to be sexual but was never able to feel safe enough to be physically intimate with another.

more about me: i was abandoned by my father from birth and emotionally incested by my mother for some 30+ years. i have no memory of any physical incest by her at this point.

in all honesty i do not know if i will ever be able to feel safe enough to physically love a partner. i truly do not know.

the pain and loneliness i often feel surrounding these truths can be almost overwhelming. it can seemingly paralyze me sometimes. at times i can struggle with suicidal thoughts because of the pain.

i know i need help but i had a bad experience with a psychologist years ago and hesitate to see another.

thanks, to whoever began this post. it feels good to get these things off my chest. i need to go now. take care everyone. sincerely,


bec


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#4336 - 08/12/03 10:12 AM Re: Sexual Dysfunction
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
My Brothers.

Sexual Dysfunction. I would not know anything about that. I mean I cant be dysfunctional. I have tried every variation that I think it is possible to have. One of them must have been right.

Well I guess I used to believe that!!! Today I am working on what kind of kink so arouses me to find out how to deal with it. I finally realize that I cannot fight something I cannot see or do not know. After tests next week I will know and then I will deal with them because I want to and not because I have to. And that my brothers is what we all do. With me I have to see a picture and emotions. I cannot see it in the written word. I always try to visualize what I am reading. Now this would be the perfect time to put myself down. I cant see it cause I am too dumb or stupid. Well that has always been bullshit too.

When I use the word dysfunctional I think that thee are a hell of a lot more things that are dysfunctional with me than just sex. but Ime working on them.

Thanks for the post Joe

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#4337 - 08/15/03 04:11 AM Re: Sexual Dysfunction
jazzman3791 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/15/03
Posts: 2
Loc: Knoxville, TN
Ok, I'm new here. I was hopeing to find a thread like this one. I don't have any answers, instead I have questions as well.

I'm 24, and I'm just now involved in a relationship where I'm having "sex". The problem is, I'm not. I get aroused, however, I'm finding it impossible to keep an erection. And, even when I do have one it is usualy soft. I can't figure out why. I thought it might have to do with lifestyle choices, such as smoking. But then, I found out that it might actually be something connected to me being sexually abused as a child and as a teen, something psychological.

I do enjoy intimacy. However, I just haven't had the pleasure of having an orgasm within the relationship. I can't even get an erection when my girlfriend tries to preform oral sex on me. I can attain an orgasm when I'm alone. I just wish I knew how to unlock whatever it is that is hindering me. Any suggestions?


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#4338 - 08/15/03 08:42 AM Re: Sexual Dysfunction
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Jazzman

Welcome to Male Survivor. It is good that you have found us, and that we have found you. There are many of us here who have been through what you have, and we spend a lot of good time and effort trying to unpack the results of se+ual assault, in the company of the best of support systems in an attempt to understand the impact of the abuse on our emotional psycological and spiritual lives.

Keep asking the questions and you will get the perspective from all of us on our own particular brand of recovery. You will find ultimately that the answers you seek are already inside of you.

Consider the possibility of working with someone who is experienced professionally in dealing with this issue. There are many good resources here that will accompany you down your path to wholeness and healing.

I wish you well my little brother.

Re se+ual dysfunction: I have, and have always had the same problem as you do and though I am 50 years old, and have risen above gargantuan odds in recovery from many forms of self medication and abuse, I still have not been able to understand the elements that contribute to my "performance anxiety". It probably has something to do with not looking in the right place for answers, and not seeing the possibility that when I am having se+ with someone (which has not happened for about 5 years not) maybe I should speak in past tense.....in the past when I would have se+ with someone, I was standing outside myself "watching" myself to see how I was doing. I was grading my performance.

I am sad to admit this, but as the process of my perpetrators initiation advanced to a higher level, I began to "want" the encounters; I began to live for them. In fact I am embarassed and ashamed to say, that nothing that I have ever experienced thus far has been able to hold a candle to those experiences.

I am sorry, this is hard. In hearing these thoughts ring through my head as I think them, it is painful. The perp is dead now, and I am sad that I have not been able to replace him and never will. I can't believe I am saying this.

What does this mean for me today? How has this screwed up my chances to ever have a natural se+uality? Something new for me to acknowledge, surrender and accept.

In the meantime, I learned to tolerate this "objective" quality that I assign to my se+ual behavior, and have stopped making myself be in relationships just for the sake of being in relationships.

In my se+ life which consists of masturbati0n, I refrain from using p0rn or fantasies that re-enact the abuse, and strive to just find the pleasure of the moment. I am learning to live with the fact that it is OK to not be coupled, and that solo se+ual expression is a good thing and it can also be a pure thing.

Maybe someday I will find a partner, but that will have to be an act of god, much like Dorothy's house landing on the wicked witch of the east in the wizard of oz.

Boy, see you just got here and already helped me find a place within myself that needs a lot of healing.

Thanks for writing and I wish you all the best as you begin the recovery walk.

Your friend in survival,

Ron

Guys, sorry about the odd characters, but my firewall wouldn't let me send otherwise

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#4339 - 08/15/03 10:03 AM Re: Sexual Dysfunction
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2259
Loc: Maryland USA
Bec,

I hope you're just taking a little time away after your post. I know getting this stuff into the open has helped me feel better, and like Ron, find places that need healing.

Jazzman,

It's a strange thing to say, "Welcome, I wish you didn't have to come here," but that's basically what I have to say. No one should have ever abused you. They did. I'm glad that you have the power now to seek recovery for yourself. It was so hard for me to start, months of steeling myself and reading online and buying books with cash.

Smoking is one of the things that can cause difficulties because of the effect that it has on your blood flow. It has a lot of other effects, too, that I'm sure you hear about all the time, so I'll shut up now.

But if you only have the difficulty when you're with someone you really care about, then it sounds to me like there might be something besides smoking to blame.

You can get things out in the open here, and it is a great help for me to do just that. It's not a substitute for therapy, though, so you might want to heed Ron's suggestion. What I, personally, do find here is validation that I am not the only one to go through "this," where "this" is the abuse, the denial, the sexual dysfunction, the struggle with intimacy, the inability to trust, the active distrust, and so on.

Take a look around and read what's here. Post to get things off your mind, or even to tell jokes. At times it seems like there's nothing but excruciating, soul-wracking work, but that doesn't last forever.

Thanks,

Joe

Not to be flippant, but you have a great login nickname \:\) And I'm a classic rock kind of guy.

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbrokenÖ"óThe Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#4340 - 08/15/03 05:05 PM Re: Sexual Dysfunction
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Thank you to post of this. I would feel too much the shame to start a post of this.

I do not know of that dysfunction, because I never have sexual relations. Not ever, not yet. Other than what he do at me, which is not as it's meant to be. The one girlfriend I have so far, I am not able to do that at her, and she break off of me. But, I do not even do this at myself. I almost do, I actual try few times, once is not in good situation, but other times, I try make myself, because I feel the physical need of it? And can not do of it. It feels so much dirty and shame, I can not go through of it. Just to touch in any manner, make me feel sick. I can not even look at myself in mirror or shower, I close my eyes while in shower. It just feels all sick at me.

I guess this is different kind of dysfunction, but is definite one I do not like either.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#4341 - 08/15/03 07:43 PM Re: Sexual Dysfunction
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Jazzman
Hi there, I hope you stick around and use the support and help we can give.
We aren't any substitute for professional therapy for sure, but we do a damn good job in our own way.

The problems of sexual dysfunction are all too common amongst us, and they can almost certainly be traced back to childhood abuse. It screws us up big time.
But to understand our personal, individual, problems takes a bit of work - by the individual.
But it's possible, and the results can be good.

If you want your life back, here's a good starting place.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#4342 - 08/16/03 05:03 PM Re: Sexual Dysfunction
MM Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/28/03
Posts: 59
Loc: Canada
It took me so long to post a reply to this message because to me sexual dysfunction is in the core of my problems related to my abuse. Not being able to have sexual relations is the most humiliating and frustrating issue I could ever face. And unfortunately thatís my reality today.

I never had any sexual relations after the abuse; I get excited and I want to have sex Ė but I just canít. Itís unbelievable, even after an innocent touch on my leg or something, I see an image of my parents and then itís over. I broke down crying, I feel like the worthless man in earth.

I canít even do it to myself; itís something out of question for me. I hate my body, for many years I used to shower in the dark, like some of you. I donít do that anymore, but I donít like it yet and I canít stand the idea of anybody touching me Ė and that includes myself as well. I never had a full erection, the flashbacks always come really fast, thereís no time for anything else. It really sucks.

Mark


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#4343 - 08/16/03 05:27 PM Re: Sexual Dysfunction
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Mark
Do you belive Eve when she say's that "you're the best guy she's ever met" ?

You should you know, because she means it.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#4344 - 08/16/03 06:19 PM Re: Sexual Dysfunction
MM Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/28/03
Posts: 59
Loc: Canada
I wouldnít say I am ďthe best guy sheís ever metĒ \:D , but now I feel more comfortable with her loving so much. It really takes A LOT of love to go through all this crap with me, especially when itís not something that happened to her directly. It amazes me to know that she can handle all this shit, support me whenever I need her and still love me. You know, Iím not exactly an easy man to live with ;\) .


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