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#431538 - 04/17/13 06:11 AM Re: Five years married and he just told he was abused [Re: stickysituaion]
Rosemary Offline


Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 31
Loc: Johannesburg, South Africa
Stickysituation,

Never underestimate the fact that he has disclosed this information to you. This in itself is a declaration to you that he trusts you and that he feels safe with you having this information. You do not mention how long ago this was. However, he has been holding onto this trauma for so long it will take awhile before he is ready to take it further. The people of Tanzania have a saying: "pole pole" it means "slowly slowly" and it is good advice.

I unfortunately disagree with Whome, DO NOT PUSH, you could land up pushing him right out of your life. It was just recently that my husband told me that the greatest thing I did for him while he was healing, was to give him space and not insist on the details. When he first disclosed his abuse to me he asked me to write a list of the questions I wanted to ask. He promised to answer each and every question when he was ready. He has answered all my questions on that list through the years. To this day I am sure there are still things he has not told me about his abuse, that information still belongs to him and I have no right to demand it of him.

Unfortunately, your husband may have been diagnosed incorrectly but sometimes we need to allow the professionals to do what they have been trained to do, and sometimes it is not easy to hear the truth.

Just for the record, my husband revealed his abuse 10 years ago and we are happily married for almost 28 years, so with the right circumstances and a lot of love it is possible for your husband to heal.

Whatever you do look after yourself first but allow your husband to heal at his own pace. Please PM me if you would like to chat on a more personal note.
_________________________
Rosemary

Partner Support
South African Male Survivors Of Sexual Abuse
Web page www.samsosa.org

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#431550 - 04/17/13 08:43 AM Re: Five years married and he just told he was abused [Re: whome]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Originally Posted By: whome
It is a big step for him to tell you that, but BUT often it is a step that he takes to get control over his situation, to get your sympathy and to throw you off your original course of action.
I chucked my wife a couple off bones and kept her of divorcing me for 15 years.
Dont let him do this to you.

I believe we are forced into action in a crisis situation. And then after the crisis, and things are closer to normal, then we slack off. Honestly, do you think we want to deal with this shit? Of course not everyone is the same.

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#432414 - 04/25/13 04:36 PM Re: Five years married and he just told he was abused [Re: stickysituaion]
stickysituaion Offline


Registered: 04/12/13
Posts: 5
Loc: United States
Thank you all for the feedback and inspiring words of your personal courage.

I do have a question, I dont want to come across in any way offensive, but since I am not a survivor I dont understand any of this. I can only imagine what type of trauma it must cause a child to be tormented and have no one to save them, but after so many years how does it continue to control the life of the abused? I struggle to understand where all his anger continues to come from. What is feeding his anger and keeping it alive? Is it the fact that he has kept the secret.... That he feels ashamed.... That he was let down by the people that were to protect him??? How do I help is what I am struggling with. I love him so much and want to see him happy and healthy inside and out.

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#432415 - 04/25/13 04:38 PM Re: Five years married and he just told he was abused [Re: whome]
stickysituaion Offline


Registered: 04/12/13
Posts: 5
Loc: United States
Martin- You hit it on the head, we are having tremendous troubles in our marriage and he did tell me at one of our lowest points. I suppose it could have been for the sympathy of it (throwing me a bone). But one way or the other I have come this far and dont want to let our marriage explode (and destroy our 3 young sons). I want to get him to talk about it but have no idea how to start the conversation since we are still sort of fighting (everyday)....

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#432416 - 04/25/13 04:45 PM Re: Five years married and he just told he was abused [Re: Rosemary]
stickysituaion Offline


Registered: 04/12/13
Posts: 5
Loc: United States
Rosemary- We have been married for 5 years (knowing each other socially since we were teens, we're mid thirties now) and he just told me about a month ago. He asked me if I thought of him different after he told me. I think he thought I would judge him, I think he still feels like it's his fault or responsibility in some way. I'm confused on how to stand back and wait, what if he never says another word and continues to be angry. I wont be able to tolerate this for much longer. I want to help him so our sons don't grow up thinking this is the way men behave. I'm concerned about the mental health of everyone involved.

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#432419 - 04/25/13 05:50 PM Re: Five years married and he just told he was abused [Re: stickysituaion]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi sticky

This is one of those situations.
I know that my approach is a tough one, but there are two people to consider here. You and Him. You already sound like you are at the end of your tether.
Then there is him, and he has a problem. He will if you let him, Ignore the situation as long as he can or until his life becomes unmanageable.
You can either help to make his life unmanageable faster, or you can wait until he decides to face his demons.
Make a decision now that YOU can live with, like I will stay with him if he begins healing and help. Or you can decide to leave if he does not seek to heal.
When I get to an addict for an intervention, I dont paint a rosy picture and say well perhaps if you feel like it we can go to a rehab and try get you clean. No I tell him the facts, If you continue on this path, you will DIE, this is the truth.

Now your husband has the choice. We KNOW that he was abused as a child, he told you. we know that this causes the current state that he is in, this we know from the many testimonies we have here on MS. and e also know from testimonies here that this could get worse before it gets better.
I wish that I could have seen the 200 men program 10 years ago, I dont know if it would have made a difference, but I really feel that I would have begun the healing process earlier, I could have had a very very different life right now.
I told my X wife 15 years ago, and only began my healing journey 3 years ago. Imagine If I had heard the testimonies of other abused men 15 years ago, wow I could have had a very different life.
If you are going to let him deal with this thing (That he doesnt even understand) his way, well then you need to make a decision and decide how long you will actually wait, whether you ill put your life on hold till he heals or decides too.
You will end up resenting him and blame him for things that you are not happy with. This is what happened to us. We were married for 21 years,
I wish someone played hard ball with me about this 15 years ago.

With all this said, this is my experience. I am now a healthy happy man Confident and outgoing. I run a group for male survivors in South Africa. I am also starting a group For female Survivors. I fight for the recognition of male survivors in our country. I am not saying that I am the ultimate in the treatment of mens ailments, But what I am saying is that you need to control the things that you can control, and those are the decisions that affect YOU,
You can give him the information, buy him the books and get him to watch the movies and the 200 men show, BUT you cannot make him heal. But you can control what it is that you will do and how much you will allow yourself to go through.
TAKE CARE OF YOU
This is just to give you an alternate aproach
Truth is that you know in your heart what is best for you both, you will make the right decision. Trust our heart.

Take care
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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