Everything feels like avoidance, distraction, masking the reality that is my shitty existence. My life has sucked. A textbook example of deteriorating mental health without a true grip on reality. And as the reality sets in on my life, my alternate reality meshing with the real one, I can't help but think that everything I do is a distraction from that shit I'm dealing with.
There are no more distractions. Cleaning, laundry, running, work, task lists, to do lists, I just don't care about those things anymore. How the hell do I move on knowing that I was worthless to my abuser, my father. How the hell?
For what it's worth, I've figured out that I subconsciously cried out for help several times in my childhood and no one understood or knew to look. One of the last times, the answer was to challenge me more, to put me in AP classes (middle school). My mother likes to say my sister and I did a huge turnaround in high school, i became outgoing and earned good grades and the opposite for her. It wasn't that way until then.
See, I am starting to think I associate success and trying hard, doing well with not being heard... maybe I think I'll be abused again? I KNOW that's not true, but I don't know how to move on. I feel like I'm still crying out for help and all I'm getting is coping tools to go on with my life.
i don't want to go on! i want justice! why the hell is everyone minimizing my abuse?!
I welcome any thoughts and advice. Clearly I'm struggling, I just need to know it's okay to feel this way.
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.