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#432397 - 04/25/13 02:30 PM everything feels like avoidance
csasurvivor1992 Offline


Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
Everything feels like avoidance, distraction, masking the reality that is my shitty existence. My life has sucked. A textbook example of deteriorating mental health without a true grip on reality. And as the reality sets in on my life, my alternate reality meshing with the real one, I can't help but think that everything I do is a distraction from that shit I'm dealing with.

There are no more distractions. Cleaning, laundry, running, work, task lists, to do lists, I just don't care about those things anymore. How the hell do I move on knowing that I was worthless to my abuser, my father. How the hell?

For what it's worth, I've figured out that I subconsciously cried out for help several times in my childhood and no one understood or knew to look. One of the last times, the answer was to challenge me more, to put me in AP classes (middle school). My mother likes to say my sister and I did a huge turnaround in high school, i became outgoing and earned good grades and the opposite for her. It wasn't that way until then.

See, I am starting to think I associate success and trying hard, doing well with not being heard... maybe I think I'll be abused again? I KNOW that's not true, but I don't know how to move on. I feel like I'm still crying out for help and all I'm getting is coping tools to go on with my life.

i don't want to go on! i want justice! why the hell is everyone minimizing my abuse?!

I welcome any thoughts and advice. Clearly I'm struggling, I just need to know it's okay to feel this way.
_________________________
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

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#432406 - 04/25/13 03:44 PM " [Re: csasurvivor1992]
lbcali1978 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/12
Posts: 217
"


Edited by lbcali1978 (04/29/13 01:32 AM)
_________________________
They said

Come home

I said

I'm confused and alone

They said

We understand

I found out they don't

I'll walk the path exactly how I've always done it

Alone

Top
#432407 - 04/25/13 03:56 PM Re: everything feels like avoidance [Re: csasurvivor1992]
csasurvivor1992 Offline


Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
you're right. only we can validate our feelings and we can't undo the past.

at the heart of it all, i just want my mom to put a blanket around me, love me, and tell me it will be alright. i want her to take me out of that home and give me a safe environment to grow up in. but that can't happen.

even now, she doesn't make it okay to grieve. "go for a run, you'll feel better." I don't want encouragement. I want validation. I am grieving that I was abused, that my reality is changing, that everything around me isn't as it seemed.

i'm so confused right now, so fucking confused.

in the end, i have to get up and clean up the milk. what about the reason the milk was spilled? Sitting on the counter? then make sure its put away next time. Defective carton? report it to the grocery store, or make sure to get a better carton next time. Thing is, the milk didn't just slip out of his hands. the goddamned asshole threw it on the ground and stuck my nose in it and made me lick it up.

i appreciate the response lb. i really do. it's impossible to hear these things from non-survivors, but possible with you. thing is, it's depressing. depressing to think that i just have to pick up the pieces of my life while there's no justice for the criminal. i guess things just aren't black and white.
_________________________
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

Top
#432410 - 04/25/13 04:24 PM " [Re: csasurvivor1992]
lbcali1978 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/12
Posts: 217
"


Edited by lbcali1978 (04/29/13 01:32 AM)
_________________________
They said

Come home

I said

I'm confused and alone

They said

We understand

I found out they don't

I'll walk the path exactly how I've always done it

Alone

Top


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