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#432381 - 04/25/13 11:56 AM Reaction I worry about--possible trigger
GT13568 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 121
Loc: California
When I read in the news of a perp being arrested, I find that I feel sad. Even though I'm aware of the horror that person has forced upon a child, somehow I empathasize with him. I get crazy feelings: I'm afraid, I'm sad, I feel lonely - really I feel everything but anger. It's like I'm frozen all over again. Does anyone understand my feelings?

I read a lot about anger toward perps here - why aren't i angry? Is this ok? I feel guilty about my feelings, and afraid, like maybe I identify with evil. Do I feel so empty and powerless because my dad is the man who (this is hard to write) violated and abused me? Argh, I love him. I wish.... I wish he never did it, but i dont hate him, i think...

Can anybody relate?

I'm sorry if this is hard to read, and I hope it doesn't make me a criminal in anyone's eyes.

Thanks,

Geoff

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#432382 - 04/25/13 12:05 PM Re: Reaction I worry about--possible trigger [Re: GT13568]
csasurvivor1992 Offline


Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
geoff, i can absolutely relate. i don't quite remember what i felt for the perp being arrested, but i do know that i was emotionally numb to the rest of it. numb...

i was told that having your father as your abuser (mine was as well) is the worst violation of trust. we have been compromised. i would suggest that feeling the way you do has been a necessary survival response so that you could continue to be a son and have a loving father. i know i tried to keep that facade active for as long as i could.

it's okay you aren't angry. it's okay you feel the way you do for the perp, after all, your perp has complicated and confused everything for you.

i can tell you i held love in my heart, understanding in my head... i was abused by a man who himself was abused. he did the best he could. then it hit me. i was violated, attacked... all the triggering words you can think of, by the man who was supposed to love me above everything. he didn't

i no longer hold compassion in me for him. i am angry at him. the stark realization of what has happened to me is dawning on me, the feelings like the warmth of a rising sun. i hate him. i wish he never did this to me, but now that he has, i never want to see him again.. my father, the one who was supposed to love me, protect me, and provide me safety above all else, has died. my earthly father died that day. he's gone. i thought he was here. now i'm mourning the loss of a childhood i never had and reconciling my coping reality with real reality. i was abused and it sucks.

you're not a criminal. unless you've committed an act, you're not a criminal. you're coping and trying to understand with the awful filter of abuse. you're a good man i suspect and i know you deserved better.

be easy on yourself. thank you for the post.
_________________________
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

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#432383 - 04/25/13 12:07 PM Re: Reaction I worry about--possible trigger [Re: GT13568]
Poorsoft Offline


Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
You arent alone with that feeling. I personaly believe that the feeling of empathy with perps; relates to ourselves attempting to understand our own perps. One way of trying to undetstand something is through this empathy.

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#432384 - 04/25/13 12:07 PM Re: Reaction I worry about--possible trigger [Re: GT13568]
jfy Offline


Registered: 04/16/13
Posts: 15
Yes, sort of. I buried what happened to me so deeply that i didn't think about it for over 35 years. One of the perps is a older 1st cousin, i'd see him at family functions and i had no reaction, no feeling, what so ever, it was buried that deep. Now, since the CSA surfaced (maybe 6 wks ago), i saw his name of a local festival, and i kinda seized up, and at one point the thought flashed through my brain that if i saw him, i'd kick his ass, so i made it a point to avoid.

But most of the time, i feel ambivalent towards him and the other perp. I suspect though the whole incidents surfaced, it's still somewhat suppressed. it's like bits and pieces are coming back, maybe that's the norm, or there is no 'norm'?

I know at times lately i've been a emotional cluster F.

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#432386 - 04/25/13 01:07 PM Re: Reaction I worry about--possible trigger [Re: GT13568]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 836
Loc: southern California
Geoff,

It is a valid question with a complex explanation in response. I will try to keep it brief but thorough in speaking from my own journey.

My father assaulted my sister and me in every possible way from the time we were toddlers until we were of age to leave home. Then he spent the next 30 years inflicting unimaginable cruelty on us. I kept him in my life until 8 years ago. Not because I was foolish, a martyr, or a professional victim, but because I chose a path of compassion over my anger.

I understand how incredibly screwed up my father is, all because of what his father did to him in childhood. My father's father was horribly abusive to his children as well.

I should point out, I do not recommend ANYONE keep their parent-perpetrator in their life unless that parent has DEMONSTRATED sincere remorse and has specifically asked for forgiveness. Mine did not and I paid the price for not knowing better than to stick around and subject myself to his antisocial behavior.

It is important to acknowledge and manage anger when it arises. It is natural. It is normal. It is healthy to express and purge it in an unharmful way. At least this is what I've learned from 25 years in and out of therapy.

I did not choose to live in the anger and hatred because I recognized it was chewing me up inside. I observed how it ate up and COMPLETELY RUINED the lives of my elder two brothers and sister. They leave legacies of painful, broken and strained relationships, loneliness, anger and resentment. One brother has a history of assaulting women and animals, and was arrested for bursting into a relative's home and assaulting 3 adult family members and an 18-month old girl over some unknown scenario he conjured in his imagination.

Anger kills.

My sister evolved into an abusive person. She also kept lowering her standards in seeking love until she partnered with a manipulative swindler to become our father's financial predators. When she realized the man was swindling her as well, she decided to break off the relationship. Within weeks she unexpectedly died one night of unknown causes. The man manipulated the sheriff-coroner department which cooperated with him in burying the body without an autopsy or approval of relatives. My sister's life ended with her being both predator and victim.

Many of our survivor comrades here on MS are expressing anger during their seasons and cycles of anger. It is healthy to express it, especially in this place where we are supported and understood and forgiven if we blunder a bit. The anger is never fully put to rest. It rises periodically as we progressively heal.

I don't know if I can say "I forgave" my father for raping and torturing my sister and me. I think it may be more a case of "I let go of the anger." I do know that moving through and away from the anger was the greatest gift I ever gave my "self."

8 years ago I stopped subjecting myself to my abusive crazed-with-anger father, sister and brother. I don't have anger toward them. They are mean creatures, yes, but they are mean because they are irreparably mentally sick. I pity them. Life is a wonderful event. They missed out on it.

Thoughts? smile


Edited by WriterKeith (04/25/13 08:55 PM)
Edit Reason: clarification
_________________________
Keith
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#432388 - 04/25/13 01:21 PM Re: Reaction I worry about--possible trigger [Re: csasurvivor1992]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 836
Loc: southern California
CSAsurvivor1992, Poorsoft and jfy, what perfect explanations. Your words expressed it right on the mark.

I appreciate this thread, Geoff.
_________________________
Keith
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#432389 - 04/25/13 01:25 PM Re: Reaction I worry about--possible trigger [Re: GT13568]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1363
Loc: California
I can relate.

I think you probably have a sense of empathy. No one in their right and sane mind would ever harm a child. And yet pedophiles and abusers do. They hurt completely innocent children. They have to be significantly warped, incredibly damaged, and in a tremendous amount of confusion for them to to these things.

You probably have a sense of this about them, realizing how much trauma and torture they have in their own lives, in which they use as an excuse to become predators.

Originally Posted By: GT13568
When I read in the news of a perp being arrested, I find that I feel sad. Even though I'm aware of the horror that person has forced upon a child, somehow I empathasize with him. I get crazy feelings: I'm afraid, I'm sad, I feel lonely - really I feel everything but anger. It's like I'm frozen all over again. Does anyone understand my feelings?

I read a lot about anger toward perps here - why aren't i angry? Is this ok? I feel guilty about my feelings, and afraid, like maybe I identify with evil. Do I feel so empty and powerless because my dad is the man who (this is hard to write) violated and abused me? Argh, I love him. I wish.... I wish he never did it, but i dont hate him, i think...

Can anybody relate?

I'm sorry if this is hard to read, and I hope it doesn't make me a criminal in anyone's eyes.

Thanks,

Geoff
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

-- I must remind myself that sugar is my enemy. I can't control my sugar consumption and sugar makes me mentally unstable. I'm reminding myself (because I forgot again).

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#432390 - 04/25/13 01:29 PM Re: Reaction I worry about--possible trigger [Re: GT13568]
csasurvivor1992 Offline


Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
keith. thank you. encouragement helps at this point for sure.

i long for the day when i know and feel and have no doubt about the last statement you made... "i pity them... they missed out on life."

congrats brother. thank you for the encouragement.
_________________________
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

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#432391 - 04/25/13 01:31 PM Re: Reaction I worry about--possible trigger [Re: csasurvivor1992]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 836
Loc: southern California
You're welcome, but thanks, actually YOU encouraged me.
_________________________
Keith
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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