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#432174 - 04/23/13 02:20 PM Falling from grace
jay75 Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 145
Not sure if this is the right place for this but im throwing it out there anyway. I have been comming to terms with my CSA now for a year, I have for the most part left my church. The more I dig into my past and make strides in my "recovery" the further I pull away.My family still attends but I will not allow myself to go. I think its possible that I was searching for peace when I was an avid church goer, a peace i never found. Now I feel judged even though no one knows my past perhaps dirty. I am finding inner peace with myself and WHO I AM, but there seems to be no room for god in it all. I now know my cries for help were never answered and i feel my prayers fell on deaf ears. Im not sure what im looking for in this thread maybe insight or another point of view. I am in a good place now thanks to my wife, a year ago I didnt see a way through the fog.

Has anyone else found faith unnecessary after they started to heal?

-Jay-
_________________________
"Those are not your sins" A wise man

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#432177 - 04/23/13 03:26 PM Re: Falling from grace [Re: jay75]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 838
Loc: Kc,Mo
If you are healing is it possible that the harvest is coming in? The things we seek from God come at different times and stages. He has walked with you the whole time. One must realize everything He does is for purpose and reason we do not understand when we are going through the trials why and sometimes never fully understand , but this does not negate the fact he is in control.

Also it does not sound like your were growing at this church . If you are not being fed and your spirit is not being fed than why continue to go ? It bothers me when people think they have to attend because there family attended as if that is the only place that works. The place you may need to grow is somewhere else . This is not a bad thing this is a good thing to go and be fed somewhere that will actually do you good .

Staying stagnate is not an option one must continue to grow and draw near to God and the more you do this the closer your relationship will be and the more he will reveal to you.

Also people have so watered down the REAL gospel it is sickening . They have erased God and molded him into their lives and lifestyles . Instead of allowing God to mold them into his way and will . If that makes sense. They have taken the wrath out cause well that will drive people away they have taken the hard lessons out because well people will stop bringing their money . And most of all they have stop telling the truth Thus sayeth the lord because well people might have to change.

Hope this helps sorry to break the news but it is not all about you it is about Gods will and plan for your life . I have no choice but to be honest and if that does not work for you either than i guess that you can just dismiss this also

Peace and blessing to you brother
_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-uYCAfpxrY
TRIGGER WARNING
Video of me telling my story
you are not alone never were
WRITTEN FORM
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=339159#Post339159
Why i hate Religion but love Jesus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY

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#432180 - 04/23/13 03:36 PM Re: Falling from grace [Re: jay75]
jameson Offline


Registered: 04/19/09
Posts: 13
Loc: USA
I understand. I knew God. But I didn't trust Him and I didn't understand or feel His love. Although I pretended, I couldn't see, hear Him or feel Him through it. But I was wrong. I see it now. Clarity brought about by standing on the street in front of the scene of the crime(s) with my best friend confronting the abuse 40 years later, determined to move on. I encountered Him there. Seek Him. As you draw close He will heal you. He is the way, truth and life.

Know that peace isn't something that falls on us ... or that we find. We're told to pursue peace. You won't find peace withouth God. Ask Him to reveal himself. He will. His love never fails. Never. I know that now. Only then can you engage in that supernatural exchange of pain and adversity for peace and joy. You can. You will. It's possible. He promises and He is above all else ... faithful. Find a church with sound Bible teaching. Get in the word. Pray for wisdom, discernment and healing. Pray in agreement with your wife, friend, family member and/or therapist. Anyone and everyone. Know that what He promises He delivers. He'll deliver you.

He delivered me.

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#432190 - 04/23/13 05:23 PM Re: Falling from grace [Re: jay75]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 838
Loc: Kc,Mo
_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-uYCAfpxrY
TRIGGER WARNING
Video of me telling my story
you are not alone never were
WRITTEN FORM
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=339159#Post339159
Why i hate Religion but love Jesus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY

Top
#432195 - 04/23/13 06:03 PM Re: Falling from grace [Re: jay75]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 586
Originally Posted By: jay75
Not sure if this is the right place for this but im throwing it out there anyway. I have been comming to terms with my CSA now for a year, I have for the most part left my church. The more I dig into my past and make strides in my "recovery" the further I pull away.My family still attends but I will not allow myself to go. I think its possible that I was searching for peace when I was an avid church goer, a peace i never found. Now I feel judged even though no one knows my past perhaps dirty. I am finding inner peace with myself and WHO I AM, but there seems to be no room for god in it all. I now know my cries for help were never answered and i feel my prayers fell on deaf ears. Im not sure what im looking for in this thread maybe insight or another point of view. I am in a good place now thanks to my wife, a year ago I didnt see a way through the fog.

Has anyone else found faith unnecessary after they started to heal?

-Jay-


Yes. I feel the same way. I don't believe in God, and I'm learning that letting that go has taught me to take agency for my own healing and not expect miracles that never happened.

A belief in God helps a lot of people here, but it is not correct when people say God is the only way to find peace. There's a lot of different conceptions of God and a lot of people who are smart, well-adjusted atheists. And this comes from someone who was an evangelical Christian for thirty years.

So no, you are not alone.
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

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#432256 - 04/24/13 08:10 AM Re: Falling from grace [Re: jay75]
jay75 Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 145
Nsalted, Jameson & Jacob

Hey guys thanks for the input it has given me alot to chew on. Your points of view (however different) offer a path to clarity regardless the path I take. So thank you for your responses.

-Jay-
_________________________
"Those are not your sins" A wise man

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#432281 - 04/24/13 01:33 PM Re: Falling from grace [Re: jay75]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
As I dove into my abuse it actually drew me closer and made me want more and more of The Lord. It is tough to stay thirsty at times but it is a choice. Like the song 10,000 reasons by Matt Redman. That was a song that David made and he was commanding his soul to worship God. Bless The Lord O' my soul. Come on soul get up and worship God. I have to do this sometimes. In all honesty I think we all do. God bless and take care Jay
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#432331 - 04/24/13 11:33 PM Re: Falling from grace [Re: jay75]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1467
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: jay75
I think its possible that I was searching for peace when I was an avid church goer, a peace i never found. Now I feel judged even though no one knows my past perhaps dirty..... Has anyone else found faith unnecessary after they started to heal?

Hey Jay,

I don't usually post here. Been flamed before, but I'll take a shot with this. I too was an avid churchgoer, but stopped after my suicide attempt 3 years ago. I felt abandoned and hated by God, and everyone else. I still hadn't started to face my CSA, but began the process of re-commiting to AA, therapy, and taking my meds regularly. In the process I realized that I still believed in God, but had a huge resentment against Him. Where the f*** was He when I was being raped? Did He think I wasn't worth saving? Just a little shit kid who didn't matter? We had several shouting matches and I called him every swear word I could think of. (Think Lt. Dan and the storm) He didn't strike me dead, and we eventually made peace. (Like Lt. Dan did)

I still don't understand where God was when my CSA happened, but I'm no longer letting it be an obstacle to my recovery. I will not let anything get in the way of it. I still don't go to church, but I need a power greater than myself to overcome all thats happened to me. For me that higher power is God.

Jude
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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#432334 - 04/25/13 12:04 AM Re: Falling from grace [Re: jay75]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 283
Loc: MO
To all who care, but I guess Jay most of all,

Thank you for putting the topic out there. Like Jude I am in AA and my higher power is God. Can I make recovery without God. Sure. All I have to do is think about plants. I am dependent on them for my oxygen. I can not make my own oxygen. Would simply the symbiotic experience of nature be a sufficient source to offer me help to believe I can recover. Sure.

The most important thing for me to understand is the God does not check out the children of earth to select some for sexual abuse, rape, sexual assault, and debilitating trauma. He gave people free will. (I don't think that was one of God's best ideas- but he doesn't take my advise). Some people with free will will violate anybody and anything to get their desires met.

God sure didn't tell anyone to violate other people for their own selfish desires.

I have to admit I have not found faith unnecessary for me when I started recovery. However, I have had stretches of time when He was irrelevant to my recovery. You know, like when my son got his throat slit, and survived because the knife missed his jugular by 1/2 inch.

We all have different stories, but we all are just the same.

May the Lord Bless you and Keep you and Grant you Peace (His most precious gift) Amen.

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#437133 - 06/06/13 06:30 PM Re: Falling from grace [Re: jay75]
jay75 Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 145
Jude and Genedebs,

thank you for sharing such compelling life altering parts of your past. I know it cant be easy putting it out there. Obviously God has been an important focal point in your paths to recovery and I totaly get and respect that, im still trying to figure it out slowly. I have not given up hope that he is still there just hoping he smiles down on me some day....

Country it makes me happy knowing that in times of great strife on can come to know god better..

again thanks guys smile

-Jay-
_________________________
"Those are not your sins" A wise man

Top
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