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#432039 - 04/22/13 06:41 AM Re: Do you agree? [Re: Still]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2039
Loc: durham, north england
I really liked Crazy Gecko's point about deffinition. jeanpol Sartre once said that the purpose of human life was orthenticity, which is basically just living according to your own deffinition not to that of others. Admittedly, Sartre talked more about people filling rolls set for them by society, and acting and behaving because "that is what a good waighter does" rather than making any deffinition for yourself in an artistic or creative way, but in this sense he applies to survivers as well I think, since after all a person is not their own coping mechanisms survival trates etc, unless they themselves believe themselves to be just! those things.

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#432116 - 04/22/13 10:05 PM Re: Do you agree? [Re: Still]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1193
Loc: The ATL

For me this statement couldn't be more true. It defines everything about me. A lot of that is some pretty negative shit but I'm still standing, for what it's worth.

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#432142 - 04/23/13 08:01 AM Re: Do you agree? [Re: Still]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 921
Loc: New York
I survived adolescence in part due to what I now know was a nasty "bargain" with a nasty creep. I survived 2012 by drinking so much I went up 4 pants sizes in fewer months. By committing unprecedented and utterly remorseless workplace plagiarism, forgery, and actionable fraud. I survived four times by imagining what if it was my son who found me. I survived the fifth by turning around and walking back to my hotel. Someday I might tell my wife that for her birthday in 2012 I gave her the Golden Gate Bridge.

Surviving made me hate "surviving," made me long for the normal life I remembered, made me determined to do anything to feel like my old self. Sometimes I feel like I'm scavenging on a beach with a metal detector, clicking clicking, closer closer... or is it...? Lying and faking as the old life I used to inhabit - what I WOULD HAVE done or said or shown - is often good enough for those around me. Maybe someday I'll get used to that? Where everyone else really does see the emperor's clothes and only to himself does he appear naked. It was good enough for me to keep my job and parachute to safety on my own terms when I hadn't done two legitimate hours of work in two months. Is that to be "who I am"? I don't know how to build a new life, I apparently know how to convincingly impersonate my old one. Maybe someday I'll be able to wish for the unreal to become real and it will just be there, looking and feeling real, like goddamned Pinnocchio. And "who I am" will be who I was. Maybe with an asterisk: "Me(*)."


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#432165 - 04/23/13 12:47 PM Re: Do you agree? [Re: Still]
ShortedDiode Offline


Registered: 11/26/11
Posts: 111
Loc: Hamilton, ON Canada
Surviving's responsible for a large part of who I am now but not all of it. There's the effect of other experiences in life too, plus certain disabilities that have their share of contribution, too.
_________________________
If it's a choice between laughing or crying, I'd rather laugh.

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#432267 - 04/24/13 10:37 AM Re: Do you agree? [Re: Still]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2039
Loc: durham, north england
@sockerstar, I know what you mean being nostalgic for old coping mechanisms. i really longed for those times when i thought my abuse was finished, that because I remembered it was fine right? That was after all a long time ago, which was what I told myself no matter what, indeed had I not had my face slammed in it I likely would've gone on doing that. Never midn the fear of crowds, the genophobia, the late nights, the destractions, the fugues and everything else.

to quote pink Floyde "through the ashes of bridges burning behind us, remembering how green it was on the other side"


I wouldn't say for me at least that it was a case of recovering something I willfully lost when i started recovery, rather it was more a case that I was lazing around a very dirty house, and one that will take a hell of a lot of cleaning. I began the cleaning, and all that accumulated muck was very hard to shift, and I won't get to a point where I can just sit around and be lazy anymore, but now that most of the grime is gone I can be at a point where I have to work less, but also where I'm living somewhere much nicer.

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