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#432182 - 04/23/13 03:45 PM Am I thinking to much?
dumont Offline


Registered: 03/28/13
Posts: 34
Loc: No where
Last night i was with my guy and we were just talking. He said he had seen a change in me since I joined this site. That I had become more pensive and that I was second guessing my choices and actions; thinking to many things through.
I find this place funny. I never thought there would be anyone else who had gone through what I went through. I am in the process of writing it all down; it reads like a sick porno version of Oliver Twist. But I have met guys on here who have been through the same if not worse. Like our abusers used the same Pedo hand book to get their ideas from.
I also found that I have similar reactions to some situations as people on here and even the same sexual...dysfunction, kinks, fetishes. I have no idea what to call them.
So I'm wondering if other people found the same when they joined here or started to deal with their abuse?
Did you become preoccupied with your abuse and trying to figure why and all the other second guessing questions that fly into my head right now?
I don't want this to take me to a place where that one period in my life is all that I have left.
I'm rather well functioning right now; will that change?
Maybe I just need to say this is becoming scarey for me. When I have those secret moments, just me, I think now that life may have been easier then. I knew what to do and how to do it.
Even if I did it everything right I would still be punished. So the equation was simple.
Now I see choices, many of them. I am responsible for all my actions and all my choices. Just it's not clear where they will take me.
Does the abuse make my choices for me? I know they limit them.
Sometimes I loose myself in what it all means and what it has made me.
Sorry just it can get scarey sometimes when I close my eyes.
dumont


Edited by dumont (04/23/13 03:49 PM)

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#432185 - 04/23/13 04:15 PM " [Re: dumont]
lbcali1978 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/12
Posts: 217
"


Edited by lbcali1978 (04/29/13 01:07 AM)
_________________________
They said

Come home

I said

I'm confused and alone

They said

We understand

I found out they don't

I'll walk the path exactly how I've always done it

Alone

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#432187 - 04/23/13 04:58 PM Re: Am I thinking to much? [Re: dumont]
csasurvivor1992 Offline


Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
i agree with lbcali. i think it's great.

i think you're hitting on over-analyzing. my buddy's T one time asked him if he could just enjoy an experience... he was ready for that comment, though. he and his partner, another survivor, analyzed EVERYTHING.

but, if you're new to this board, i think it's possible to start analyzing stuff and possibly overanalyzing stuff, for sure. great perceptive question.

the real issue is this: are there emotional wounds that you haven't yet been ready to deal with? i thought i had my shit wrapped up... but nope.

in fact, i'm very much depressed and sad right now... i've done a lot of analyzing, thinking, thinking without the lens of abuse (abuse gives us abuse shaded lenses... no getting around that). as i began to deal, really and truthfully deal, i had to start recategorizing my memories, without the jaded view that abuse requires us to process the world through.

now, i'm just stripped down to the bone (it feels like anyway) accepting that I, me, here in this body, i was hurt, willfully hurt by my dad. and accepting everything that comes with that...

i think it's possible to overthink, for sure. thing is, most of us are just seeing the world without the abuse glasses for the first time. learning things that kids learn who weren't abused. that's not overthinking, that's reprocessing memories.

hope that helps brother.
_________________________
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

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#432191 - 04/23/13 05:26 PM Re: Am I thinking to much? [Re: dumont]
dumont Offline


Registered: 03/28/13
Posts: 34
Loc: No where
csasurvivor,
It does help in a a way. You see one of the problems is that I remember everything, well mostly, it's not like there are repressed memories inside me. I am literally one and a half years away from the last time I was abused like that and under someone else's control. What happened to me is very close.
But I'm not sure what I am suppose to deal with. I came here because I had what you refer to as a trigger. I was with a group of friends in a friend's bedroom. we were playing around and he grabbed a metal ruler and pretended to slap me in the balls with it.
I freaked, I had this flash back that made me lose track of place and time it seemed. I was there being punished. My friends thought I had a stroke or something, they are amazing BTW.
So I thought I needed to deal with some of this.
But since I have been here I have taken on a different "narrative". I accept what happened to me. I just don't know what it means.
It suppose to be important, right? But how? Should I sit and wait for symptoms?
Actually I just figured it out!!!
I feel like a future cancer patient trying to figure out what the side effects of my chemo will be.
It's all very strange to me.
Thank you both csasurvivor and lbcali. I am seeing things I didn't before
dumont

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#432192 - 04/23/13 05:37 PM Re: Am I thinking to much? [Re: dumont]
dumont Offline


Registered: 03/28/13
Posts: 34
Loc: No where
Originally Posted By: dumont

Thank you both csasurvivor and lbcali. I am seeing things I didn't before
dumont


Did I just say I am seeing things?
It's fucking worse then I thought.


Edited by dumont (04/23/13 05:37 PM)

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#432194 - 04/23/13 05:54 PM " [Re: dumont]
lbcali1978 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/12
Posts: 217
"


Edited by lbcali1978 (04/29/13 01:05 AM)
_________________________
They said

Come home

I said

I'm confused and alone

They said

We understand

I found out they don't

I'll walk the path exactly how I've always done it

Alone

Top
#432199 - 04/23/13 06:13 PM Re: Am I thinking to much? [Re: dumont]
csasurvivor1992 Offline


Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
dumont, glad to know the posts helped. it is very much like trying to figure out what it's going to feel like after chemo. in fact, i've used that same analogy to describe to people what it's like... the same people who would suggest to "get over it" i tell them, so as a cancer patient needs chemo or surgery, so do I need therapy. this is just one of those things that is so encompassing.

like you, i had no repressed memories (that i am aware of). i fully remembered that this happened and i thought i was okay. happy go lucky, all that shit. then my buddy, also a survivor, suggested therapy. i said, nah, i'm good, i dealt with it. four years later, and in the middle of a home sale, job change... depression. after all that shit worked out, depressed again... so i decided therapy.

as i've figured out so far... there is something wrong. i was abused. and it's a big deal. it's life changing. it steals your childhood. poof, gone in an instant.

most people want to know they're strong enough to deal with it without having to genuinely face the fact that childhood sexual assault is a real thing and HIGHLY impactful... the consequences resonating throughout the child's life.

i am so sorry that you were abused. it's crap. you deserved better. always know that, you deserved better. none of what you're about to experience is your fault. none of it.

i am happy that you are starting to explore the world of being a survivor. it's overwhelming, it can take everything you thought you knew and turn it upside down.

but, remember who you are. posting, reading posts... it will help if you have any question, it will help you figure out. it is possible to get lost in this world. i do, though, believe this is a lot like waking up from the matrix... a lot to take at once... relearning a bunch of stuff. but eventually, we beat the machines!

i'm still fighting the machines... they're big and strong. but so too is my resolve.
_________________________
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

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#432203 - 04/23/13 06:24 PM Re: Am I thinking to much? [Re: dumont]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
There are risks. Especially at first, confronting this tends to push people into living their life backwards and re-examining every last thing. This is important in recovery but you have to consciously recognize when it is happening and be able to stop it. It's the difference between being prodded onto a diet and going anorexic.

I first came here to find out if there were any giveaway clues that people could say meant my recovered memories weren't really real, so maybe I was going clockwork orange insane for some less disgusting reason. One of the only things I DIDN'T hate about myself at that time was my sexuality - I'd accepted myself as bi some years earlier. Then I come here and find out maybe I wasn't bi and had maybe accepted the wrong identity, maybe it was "SSA" and I was a "damaged" straight guy and the perp had "won" when I'd accepted the feelings as part of me. That was a K-T dinosaur killing asteroid mindfuck and I wasn't nearly strong enough to deal at that time.

So yes - it IS possible to think of too much of this shit too quickly, and if it feels like thats happening its healthy to take a little vacation from here. You have your whole life to deal with it after all. frown


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#432205 - 04/23/13 06:40 PM " [Re: SoccerStar]
lbcali1978 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/12
Posts: 217
"


Edited by lbcali1978 (04/29/13 01:05 AM)
_________________________
They said

Come home

I said

I'm confused and alone

They said

We understand

I found out they don't

I'll walk the path exactly how I've always done it

Alone

Top
#432218 - 04/23/13 09:38 PM Re: Am I thinking to much? [Re: dumont]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1509
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: dumont
Did you become preoccupied with your abuse and trying to figure why and all the other second guessing questions that fly into my head right now? I don't want this to take me to a place where that one period in my life is all that I have left.

Hey dumont,

It seems to be common for us to become fixated on our abuse and trying to make sense of it and our reactions to it, once we come to the point of facing it. Sadly, some of us get stuck there and never progress any further. There's much more to recovery than that. There's learning to accept what happened to you but no longer being defined by it. There's overcoming fear, anger, shame, and self-hatred. And there's learning to have healthy sexual and emotional relationships. All that is hard work for sure, and healing comes in increments not leaps, over our lifetimes. We never get "cured". But we can make it better. Whatever happens, keep moving forward.

Jude
_________________________
"I get up, and nothing gets me down.
You got it tough. I've seen the toughest around.
And I know, baby, just how you feel.
You've got to roll with the punches to get to what's real"
Van Halen

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