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#432002 - 04/21/13 09:22 PM I Must be a Magician...
Still Around Offline


Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 22
Loc: Pennsylvania
...because with a few words I can make people disappear entirely from my life.

I've told several of who I thought were my closest friends what was done to me --- how it's affected me through the years, and why it is, now that I'm finally coming to understand what it is I must change about myself to become whole, I have been struggling. I felt they deserved to know, they knew I have been lost for years (some described me as a "wounded animal"; funny how they could see that but did nothing to even try to help).

Most I felt were completely understanding, and offered any help they could give. I told them they can just talk to me, and me to them, so that I may figure things out and get the support I need.

IThat was several months ago, and how wrong I've been. With the exception of three, I have not had much contact with any of them, and though I reach out to them, they seem to treat me rather perfunctorily.

I just don't understand. Why have they forsaken me? Are they frightened of me? Do they not think they can help, or that I'm jealous and angry at them because their lives have not had such horror? I'm still the same person they've known and supposedly loved, for years god damn it. I may be going through a very bad time but that doesn't mean I need to be treated with kid gloves, or abandoned again.

I feel like I'm learning two contradictory things---that true friends are those who stick by you no matter what---but don't bother asking most people for help, because they will not or cannot help you. And many will leave you if you do have the audacity to reach out.

I know that when people get scared or confused, they will often withdraw. But I need them. I feel so alone now, even moreso than before I started this journey of healing. Some days I feel like I should just pick up my life from this point and begin again, maybe with a clean slate, rather than continue to be the pariah I seem to have become with the people that have known me best.

If that's the way it's going to be, than to hell with them. Perhaps I have to build my own network of support of people who can actually care about more than themselves.

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#432026 - 04/22/13 01:20 AM Re: I Must be a Magician... [Re: Still Around]
Randy65 Offline


Registered: 04/14/12
Posts: 109
Loc: Jonesboro, Arkansas
Hello Still Around,
I know exactly how you feel and have had that happen and is still happening to me this day. The only thing I can think of is that it scares them and it's such a taboo subject they do not know how to support or understand us. I say cherish the three true friends and grow and educate them. Remember that we had not shared either and these things take time. When I see the "ghost" friends I call them, they act like nothing happened and think I am the same old outgoing person and I accept that and continue on my way. This does not heal fast like surgery and they do not understand it.

I was an awesome friend and it's their loss.

This is not our problem, it is theirs.

Stay strong my friend and I hope this helps.
Randy
_________________________
My Story of CSA
http://youtu.be/EJIlKCRL_6M

My Story of CSA: The Day God Entered My Heart
http://youtu.be/vpCWEp6u9zM

My Story of CSA: "Flashbacks" (Trigger Caution)
http://youtu.be/xLd5Fe-MxVM



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#432033 - 04/22/13 01:54 AM Re: I Must be a Magician... [Re: Still Around]
Publius Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 396
Loc: OH
"I know exactly how you feel and have had that happen and is still happening to me this day. The only thing I can think of is that it scares them and it's such a taboo subject they do not know how to support or understand us."

As much as it sucks for us I think Randy nails this one on the head. Non-survivors have almost nothing to go by when trying to empathize with and support us. "Oh your father died/lost your job/girlfriend broke up with you/etc. I know how you feel." When it comes to other problems they get it and feel able to listen, understand, and even offer advice if not some words of condolence. When it comes to CSA I think they feel completely lost and therefore uncomfortable. This is why they avoid the subject when we are around and sometimes, unfortunately, us as well.

I agree with Randy that these are excellent educational opportunities if we so choose. As to emotional support there are always the friends willing to listen, family, therapists, support groups, and websites such as this one.
_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

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#432058 - 04/22/13 10:23 AM Re: I Must be a Magician... [Re: Still Around]
Still Around Offline


Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 22
Loc: Pennsylvania
Randy that helps one heck of a lot, and Publius thank you so much for your words of support. It know it must be hard for them to see what to them must be my suffering (on the contrary, I've tried to tell them that a lot of what they see now is catharsis, not suffering), and their knowing that a lot of what I was to them was driven out of my defense mechanisms must be overwhelming.

I've tried my best to explain to them that I'm not asking anything of them other than to just talk, and listen.

But those that have stuck by me---those who have been willing to listen, some of whom have even ventured to learn more on their own---have become my closest friends in this struggle. Perhaps it's because they are going through trials of their own (with the exception of one, we've all had less than ideal childhoods), and knowing that even though we all have differing perspectives, we can still support each other in our times of need.

I'm just rolling your words around in my head, Randy; "I was an awesome friend and it's their loss.

This is not our problem, it is theirs."

It's so true. I was, and I am still in spite of my trials, an awesome friend and and awesome person.

But it's not just their loss, it's a mutual loss---and a needless one driven by discomfort and fear. And that's the tragedy of it.

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#432059 - 04/22/13 10:36 AM Re: I Must be a Magician... [Re: Still Around]
csasurvivor1992 Offline


Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
still around,

great post man. great post. i felt the exact same way about two months ago. I started breaking my silence. breaking my silence and telling coworkers, friends, and family. i started to feel pretty good about myself, they all had great emotional responses. great ones. i'm so sorry... etc.

then as i started to need to talk more about it, i noticed they became uncomfortable. then they all (almost in a coordinated fashion) ran the other way! therapeutically speaking, i was building a network of supporters so i could enter the toughest parts of healing... dealing with the emotions i couldn't as six year old kid. and as i started to build my support network, it crumbled. and i had to retreat, withdraw. telling myself the truth, they weren't ready to hear and help but emotionally doing the same things i had done before. well that doesn't help. that's why i started therapy.

It hurts. i agree with your last post here, it's a tragedy. i think it's probably a little like you mourning the loss of your childhood, regretting, then coming to terms with the person you felt you had to become, and that kind of healing. the friends in that survivor state helped you get to this point, but maybe they can't help you in the next phase of your journey. and that's okay. some people aren't equipped to handle the kind of emotions that we need to process. my best friend (fellow survivor who recommended my T) once told me, "really, all people need therapy."

those friends that are along with you on this ride, that's what you need. that they're researching on their own... wow! that's AWESOME!

for the friends who have drifted away... doesn't make them anything less. it's just like asking me to pitch in softball last night... i'm just not the right fit. but second base? well, i can do that (at least better than pitching!)

i'm sorry those friends have drifted away. it is necessary to mourn that loss though, i feel. hang in there. sounds like you're doing the right thing.
_________________________
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

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#432115 - 04/22/13 10:04 PM Re: I Must be a Magician... [Re: Still Around]
Randy65 Offline


Registered: 04/14/12
Posts: 109
Loc: Jonesboro, Arkansas
I can't believe that all came out of me last night. See how you are helping others by sharing Still Around. You bring out stuff in others that needed to be released. I agree that is not easy to lose these close people and it takes time to heal. I think most mean well, but it just seems to us as running away. As long as we continue to share and educate, we will continue to introduce conversation and people will want to do the research. I am amazed at all the people that have came up to me in confidence about what I went through. If it's one thing that I have learned is that we have many silent people praying and support us that you would never think would be the ones to show such compassion.
Life is a wonderful thing and one day we shall enjoy it more than ever, I really feel and believe this.
Randy
_________________________
My Story of CSA
http://youtu.be/EJIlKCRL_6M

My Story of CSA: The Day God Entered My Heart
http://youtu.be/vpCWEp6u9zM

My Story of CSA: "Flashbacks" (Trigger Caution)
http://youtu.be/xLd5Fe-MxVM



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#432169 - 04/23/13 01:12 PM Re: I Must be a Magician... [Re: Still Around]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Hey Still Around --

Oh, if it was a perfect world, huh? Your post brought to mind some of my post-disclosure experiences, one in particular I haven't wanted to talk about.

I'd say it's about 50/50 on success. Good with my birthmother. Good with a cousin who shares my name (and has brought us closer). Good with two of my best friends.

Not so good with the school, the church, public agencies...who have blown me off.

What bothered me was disclosure to my step-sister who was my advocate years ago in facing down the self-absorbed mommybitch (adopted mother) concerning my gayness. I hadn't spoken with my step-sister in years, but we had a wonderful two-hour conversation a few months ago which I posted here. Currently she's separated from an alcoholic husband. Her son is an adult now.

I wanted to break the silence on both the CSA and the parental abuse that put me on track for it. And I gained validating insight from her on the pattern of parental abuse. Whether or not she responded further, I made it clear that was up to her. She's chosen not to respond further. I understand she's dealing with her own shit at the moment, but I was disappointed.

As already pointed out, some people can't handle it. Some have no clue how/if to handle it. It's not in their experience.

Surprisingly - for me - I've been able to put most of the disappointment aside because I've gained a reconnection to a cousin who was like Dad's second son...and is becoming like an older brother to me.

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