i was abused by my father... so attention/self-worth, closely intertwined. if my own father thought nothing of me, why should i think anything of myself? i am worthless to everyone else if my own father thinks i am worthless to him.
i realized i deserved better, kind of an abstract understanding, an out-of-body experience. took a while to seep in. then i realized that me in my body, this guy, the guy who's fingers are typing this post, me, i was abused. me in this body. i deserved better than that, but holy shit. i don't think i suffer from anything other than emotionally dissociating from the horrific truth that is my childhood.
i deserved better than that. your self-worth is there. i promise you. i am still just seeing glimpses of mine, but it's there. you know how i know? you've done your part, you've stayed alive. you've had an awful experience, but you've stayed alive. you've implemented survival mechanisms. even if you can't recognize that you value yourself enough to stay alive, you have subconsciously done it for yourself.
i believe healing can come once we reconcile our subconscious survivor with our real world selves. and even then, the truth about what was willfully done to us won't go away, but at least we can have a little peace. we deserve that much.
for what it's worth, i've done all those things too.. alcoholic dad, absent mother (lost in her own world), dad using me for sex... i went abstinent first two years of college.
i understand where you're coming from. keep working brother. we all have your back.
i've done the same thing too and best i can figure is... Number of replies does not equate to self worth. the fact you posted at all shows just how much you value yourself