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#432100 - 04/22/13 07:24 PM How not to get angry ...
Observador Offline


Registered: 01/08/13
Posts: 16
...when my husband pleases himself?

I always know when he does that. I remember a few years back seeing the signs, but I trusted him so much, that I did not think he would do that.
I don't understand why.
I believe I am a good wife, and mother.
I feel useless, because our intimacy is horrible, he has problems, but I never once said anything to embarrass him or to make him feel bad about it.
And he prefers to please himself and lie to me. I feel so disrespected. It feels like he is a total stranger to me.
I am sorry If I am being childish, but he is my first boyfriend, the only man I've been with.
It makes feel useless, ugly.
I don't trust him by himself, it is always in my head that he will do it.
What should I do?
Should I feel this way?
Am I over reacting?

Thank you.

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#432111 - 04/22/13 09:19 PM Re: How not to get angry ... [Re: Observador]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
You have to understand one thing. It is not about you.

Quote:
I feel useless, because our intimacy is horrible, he has problems


I think that is the big problem. If he still did what he does but you didn't have this problem I wouldn't worry about it.(others here might)

Do you think he would go to marriage counselling with you? I think he needs more than that but likely he would not be receptive to that suggestion.

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#432120 - 04/22/13 10:17 PM Re: How not to get angry ... [Re: Observador]
SonOfaSoldier Offline


Registered: 04/21/13
Posts: 15
Loc: Minnesota
I've heard of something before and this sounds a lot like it. I have personal experience with it. It will vary of course, please be aware.

When we go through abuse like that, it can do stuff to our minds that even we may not understand. For some, they could be intimate all they want and even be amazing at it, but it may just not be enough. It's not exactly an addiction, but something else. I don't know how to put it in words. It can happen to any survivor.

I have similar issues, but in a different and more confusing way. Some of us will feel shame, while others feel like its no big deal. To me it sounds like your husband is feeling ashamed of pleasing himself, lying about it is often born of fear we have hidden.
_________________________
If you cannot overcome the current, then let the current take you. Only one certainty is sure, that the future is unknown. the river may be harsh, but still obeys Life's laws. The rest is up to you

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#432573 - 04/26/13 08:11 PM Re: How not to get angry ... [Re: Observador]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 360
Hello, welcome to my life.
My husband is a sex addict. Masturbation was one of his addictions. It is no wonder....intimacy is scary, mb is not. They are in control. No worries about anyone else or their pleasure. No worrying about being perfect in the sack. they can go into their own fanastasy world and even get off to fantasies about their abuse. It is a nasty thing.

My husband is in recovery for sex addicts. did that stop him? It stopped the other acting oout crap but the mb thing was very hard and I caught him lying about it. Does he still do it?? I don't know but I can tell you one thing, as long as they are acting out in that way and avoiding intimacy with us, they will suffer from dysfunction.

I hardly think about what he is doing except for maybe a fleeting second but thinking about it and worrying about it aren't going to change a damned thing so I just try to enjoy my life and curse at him a bit and go back to what I was doing. Losing any sleep over it or not being able to enjoy life because I am worried about it won't stop it from happening and will just ensure that I enjoy NOTHING about my life.

Just my experience with it. If you have any questions, please contact me.

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#432574 - 04/26/13 08:14 PM Re: How not to get angry ... [Re: Observador]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 360
Also, let me tell you are a very lucky lady to be able to know when he does it. good for you!

And let me just say, that for a person who isn't an addict, I don't believe there is a thing wrong with masturbation. There is a huge difference between healthy self gratification and acting out and avoiding intimacy.

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#432640 - 04/27/13 02:02 PM Re: How not to get angry ... [Re: lucylives]
Observador Offline


Registered: 01/08/13
Posts: 16
Thank you Candu, Son and Lucy for replying to my post.


Originally Posted By: lucylives
Also, let me tell you are a very lucky lady to be able to know when he does it. good for you!

And let me just say, that for a person who isn't an addict, I don't believe there is a thing wrong with masturbation. There is a huge difference between healthy self gratification and acting out and avoiding intimacy.


Well, We can't afford therapy, so I developed some "tricks" to try to survive this life.
That's how I know. But I never confront him about it, because he always twists the things around, and I end up having to apologize for something that is not my fault.

I also believe that there is nothing wrong with ms, from time to time. I personally don't feel the need to do it. But I understand. What I don't like is the secrecy and lies. They add a dirtiness to it, and makes it hard trust him. What else he may be hiding from me?
And after the trust is lost, there is always an uncomfortable shadow behind every word he says, every kiss, every gesture.
And this ends up building a wall between us.

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#432644 - 04/27/13 02:39 PM Re: How not to get angry ... [Re: Observador]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3342
Loc: O Kanada
from my own personal life experience...
pornography, fantasy, masturbation, indulgence...
it is like going down the rabbit hole into a bottomless pit.
nothing down there but dirt.

i have received nothing of value from years and years of sex for the purposes of pleasure. yet i am compelled to crave it.
i do consider it an addiction.

once i decided it was wrong for me and my family, it became far less desirable. those times when i am truly honest with myself, i get the feeling that it is holding me back from my recovery.
it is not the person i want to be.

in my opinion it is harmful, not healing.
i believe there is a reason why it is sometimes called "self-abuse".
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#432646 - 04/27/13 03:56 PM Re: How not to get angry ... [Re: Observador]
Observador Offline


Registered: 01/08/13
Posts: 16
Originally Posted By: Observador

I also believe that there is nothing wrong with ms, from time to time. I personally don't feel the need to do it. But I understand.

Who am i kidding?
No, I don't understand why he does that. Why can he prefer the emptiness of a selfish act (no offense intended to those who battle with this situation), and lie to me that he doesn't do it?
I just don't understand.
The human brain is so complex. What is so easy for me, may be be the hardest thing for him. What it is so painful to me, may be nothing to him.
When I read the stories here, my situation is so easy compared to many others. He doesn't cheat, he doesn't drink, smoke or gamble. But each one of us know how hard it is to walk in our own shoes, no one else.
Like the song: "It is not easy to be me".

Thank you Victor and all the other replies.

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#432683 - 04/27/13 11:10 PM Re: How not to get angry ... [Re: Observador]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3342
Loc: O Kanada
as far as i am concerned, i only have two addictive problem behaviours left.
marijuana and masturbation.

i know, in my heart, from decades of repetition, they are not healthy for me.

i always feel better when i abstain, i always feel worse after i indulge. yet, i am unable to maintain total abstinence, because the secret part of me feeds on the pure pleasure.

that is the confusing nature of addiction.
i know, without doubt, that these activities are a betrayal of all i hold sacred. my marriage, my family, my faith.
i cannot eliminate or avoid temptation, only resist it.

there are no physical solutions to spiritual problems.
Romans 7:19 "For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing." - apostle Paul
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#432742 - 04/28/13 12:23 PM Re: How not to get angry ... [Re: victor-victim]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 341
Quote:
Why can he prefer the emptiness of a selfish act (no offense intended to those who battle with this situation), and lie to me that he doesn't do it?


It sounds like it may be because of the intimacy issue(s). I didn't see you mention a guestimate at frequency though so I don't know.

My H does from time to time but that is more about not having enough alone time between the two of us (work schedules, kids, etc.). I guess if I felt it was replacing me I would worry about it but I never felt that way.

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#432906 - 04/29/13 06:18 PM Re: How not to get angry ... [Re: Observador]
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
Sometimes the avoidance and masturbation is easier for them. I know mine carried so much shame(and still does) that to even approach it was taken as "WTH is wrong with you, you nasty person!"

I generally believe that a little self love from time to time is fine, but when it replaces attempting intimacy, it's acting on the fear and shame to numb out, and that's not a good deal. To me, that's like drugging, and isn't acceptable.

But, we can't make anyone grow on our time lines. Honestly, my H still does it, although I can tell from clues that it's less frequent, and I can see that with therapy, he's willing to take the risk of getting emotionally closer to me. That means more sexual closeness, even if it's not to the depth or frequency I would like. So I see progress. I don't say "yay you" or note it aloud, because any mention can still bring the shame back to him, but I show gratitude when he's more emotionally and physically intimate with me.

Observador, is he in therapy right now? if not, what you're saying falls into place pre-recovery. It also makes sense for this to crop back up when survivors are stressed or doing heavy therapeutic work. One of my guy friends who's a survivor pointed out that there were days he could barely carry on an average conversation, much less maintain emotional intimacy with anyone else. He said his emotions were just fried.

Edited because I addressed the wrong person. Sorry!


Edited by Airmid (04/29/13 06:19 PM)

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#433061 - 04/30/13 04:02 PM Re: How not to get angry ... [Re: Airmid]
Observador Offline


Registered: 01/08/13
Posts: 16
Originally Posted By: Airmid
Observador, is he in therapy right now? if not, what you're saying falls into place pre-recovery. It also makes sense for this to crop back up when survivors are stressed or doing heavy therapeutic work. One of my guy friends who's a survivor pointed out that there were days he could barely carry on an average conversation, much less maintain emotional intimacy with anyone else. He said his emotions were just fried.

No he is not. We can't afford it. He even denies that it ever happened. I found out about his CSA by pure chance, he was having a nightmare. So I started to put thing together and figured it out.
I am a stay at home mom, with no family close, but him, and depend on him for every little thing. I have to ask permission to do anything, tell him if I go to the grocery store. If I ask him why he is late, or what he is doing, he gets mad, and always turn the things around, like I am to blame for everything. I am so tired. I am so weak, I can't confront him, because I know he will blame it on me, and it will put me down, and I will believe him. I am so afraid to tell him anything. I try to do everything right, so he would no get angry. He does not call me names, or bad words, he does not hit me, but I hate the way he makes me feel. Once I was shaking and Stuttering(?)( sorry, my English is doubtful) to tell him something that I could not do the way he wanted me to, over the phone. When I approached him to read about CSA on the internet, to see if he could identify himself with anything, he said I was not right in head, I should seek help, and I believed him, even though I knew deep inside that I was fine, I even started hearing voices, noises there were not there. But then I got back on my feet for the sake of my children. I am so tired. I don't smile anymore. I am alone, my family is so far away. It is hard to accept that the person I love and care the most is the one responsible for my misery and despair.

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#433076 - 04/30/13 06:11 PM Re: How not to get angry ... [Re: Observador]
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
I'm sorry you're hurting. Is there a domestic violence/abuse center in your area? Not only do they offer shelter, but counseling for all types of abuse. the center where I live (near a major city), also offers one-on-one for men, should he ever get willing to heal.

But this space is yours. Since he's acting controlling, you may have to get creative: maybe call the center and arrange for a session when they offer child care. Explain the truth to them, and to him...well, since we repeat patterns we learned as kids, there's a chance you might come from a controlling or abusive house, yes? If so, he will only know you're going to deal with the fallout from that. If you didn't grow up with any abuse, you might need to find another way to leave for sessions. this is vital for us; I don't know where I'd be without individual counseling. Last January, I finally had had enough (the story is long and in my first few posts if you'd like to read it), and did actually prepare to leave if he didn't seek help for himself. Ou marriage counselor asked him to not return to session until he wasn't intimidating, threatening and abusive; she arranged for him to get individual elsewhere.

Another option is Al-Anon, and many cities have meetings with child care and during the day when most people are at work, as well as at night.

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