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#432091 - 04/22/13 04:56 PM I'm falling apart...
CloudyFalls Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/12
Posts: 168
Loc: Ohio
I've been getting triggered lately, and it's just soul shattering. Remembering things like watching my cousin play games, going out exploring in the woods, rollerblading outside for hours, creating paper games, all of my childhood. The childhood outside of the abuse, but then I can tie practically each and every memory to the night that pursued, or what perverted moment ensued. The vacations, the Fridays after school, everything. And I think how could he do what he did to me? How could I be such a fool as to play into his hands? Why am I such an idiot... I feel my heart breaking and at the same time hating myself for ever letting him into my heart. He fucking ruined my life. Now I'm just here, drifting around, trying to live day by day, but living with the scars bleeding my soul out. It's horrible.

I think back to when he almost died from a bicycle accident about 2-3 years into the abuse, and I find my self often wishing he would've just died. My life would've been so much different. Why didn't fate just kill him, why did he survive just to kill me inside.

I'm falling apart, resorting to alcohol, mixing it with klonopin, and smoking a whole lot more, relying on different sleep meds I can find to put me out at night. I'm trying to escape from myself, from my pain. I know it's bad, but I can't help but fall willingly. It's like I'm punishing myself for letting this happen to me. Was I a coward? I got called a coward by a 10 year old girl the other day, is that what I look like? A coward?

I keep calling out for something, God, whatever you want to call it. But as always I never get any answers, I never get any help. It's heart wrenching to feel forsaken, like I was meant to suffer. By the one being that is supposed to love everyone unconditionally. What did I do to deserve this? Am I that bad of a person that I deserve to live my own personal hell?
_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

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#432092 - 04/22/13 05:14 PM Re: I'm falling apart... [Re: CloudyFalls]
Poorsoft Offline


Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
My heart goes out to you CloudyFalls.

If you are looking to make sense of their actions, you will find none. For the actions of the abuser are purely selfish, they would rather succumb and forfill their deepest darkest desires at your expense then keep it to themselves.

I'm not sure what's more devastating, the after effects or the abuse itself. Why should you pay the price?

Sometimes when you're hanging off a ledge, it feels easier to just let go. I get that and I'm not gonna preach about what is good for you or what you should be doing with yourself. You know what you should be doing, you know what's right, what's wrong and I hope you know that no matter what; none of this was ever your fault and it never will be.

I will say one thing though, do you think a truely bad person would ask themselves if they were bad? No they wouldn't, why would they even care? You are not a bad person

You are a good person whose had bad inflicted upon them.

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#432094 - 04/22/13 05:34 PM " [Re: Poorsoft]
lbcali1978 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/12
Posts: 217
"


Edited by lbcali1978 (04/29/13 12:57 AM)
_________________________
They said

Come home

I said

I'm confused and alone

They said

We understand

I found out they don't

I'll walk the path exactly how I've always done it

Alone

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#432102 - 04/22/13 07:56 PM Re: I'm falling apart... [Re: Poorsoft]
CloudyFalls Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/12
Posts: 168
Loc: Ohio
Originally Posted By: Poorsoft
My heart goes out to you CloudyFalls.

If you are looking to make sense of their actions, you will find none. For the actions of the abuser are purely selfish, they would rather succumb and forfill their deepest darkest desires at your expense then keep it to themselves.

I'm not sure what's more devastating, the after effects or the abuse itself. Why should you pay the price?

Sometimes when you're hanging off a ledge, it feels easier to just let go. I get that and I'm not gonna preach about what is good for you or what you should be doing with yourself. You know what you should be doing, you know what's right, what's wrong and I hope you know that no matter what; none of this was ever your fault and it never will be.

I will say one thing though, do you think a truely bad person would ask themselves if they were bad? No they wouldn't, why would they even care? You are not a bad person

You are a good person whose had bad inflicted upon them.


Yeah I guess a part of me knows this, but I can't help but feel this way. It's like a demon inside of me that keeps thrashing me relentlessly, a whisper that doesn't seem to go away. I just hope I can come out on top of this, I don't want it to take over or control me. To think he's inside of my head sickens me, I wish I could kill that part of me. But sometimes the pain can be addictive, strangely it pulls me into despair. When I cry, I feel loved somehow. But also it's almost like an excuse to fail, but why would I want to fail? I don't know, that demon makes it sound like I deserve to...
_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

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#432107 - 04/22/13 09:05 PM Re: I'm falling apart... [Re: CloudyFalls]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1105
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: CloudyFalls
I've been getting triggered lately, and it's just soul shattering. Remembering things like watching my cousin play games, going out exploring in the woods, rollerblading outside for hours, creating paper games, all of my childhood. The childhood outside of the abuse, but then I can tie practically each and every memory to the night that pursued, or what perverted moment ensued. The vacations, the Fridays after school, everything. And I think how could he do what he did to me? How could I be such a fool as to play into his hands? Why am I such an idiot... I feel my heart breaking and at the same time hating myself for ever letting him into my heart.


Hi CF. You aren't an idiot, or a fool. To even say that is to heap the responsibility for the abuse on to yourself. It wasn't your fault. You know that.


Originally Posted By: CloudyFalls
I'm falling apart, resorting to alcohol, mixing it with klonopin, and smoking a whole lot more, relying on different sleep meds I can find to put me out at night. I'm trying to escape from myself, from my pain. I know it's bad, but I can't help but fall willingly. It's like I'm punishing myself for letting this happen to me. Was I a coward? I got called a coward by a 10 year old girl the other day, is that what I look like? A coward?


You aren't a coward. You're in the middle of dealing with a very soul shattering and traumatic life event right now. It sound's to me like you're just dealing with it in whatever way you can. Lots of us self-medicate. I do and have been for over 20 years. I probably always will. So, I can't tell you or anyone else not to. In fact, when someone is in as much pain as you are, I say do whatever gets you through the day. If it helps you to keep surviving on a day to day basis, fucking do it. At some point in the future, you'll probably reach a point where you are able to moderate your self-medicating behaviors or stop them all together. (I've moderated mine greatly over the years but never stopped them.) If and when you reach that point, great, but for now, I don't think anyone should judge you if your numbing yourself as a survival tactic. It certainly doesn't make you week or a coward.

I will say that you mixing alcohol with pills concerns me though. That's dangerous and can kill you if you're not careful. You want to survive this. We want you to survive this. Please don't do anything that could cause you permanent damage.

Originally Posted By: CloudyFalls
I keep calling out for something, God, whatever you want to call it. But as always I never get any answers, I never get any help. It's heart wrenching to feel forsaken, like I was meant to suffer. By the one being that is supposed to love everyone unconditionally. What did I do to deserve this? Am I that bad of a person that I deserve to live my own personal hell?


No, you don't deserve it. Nobody does. Oh, and I wouldn't rely to much on any higher power to improve your situation. God, if he/it exists, doesn't give half a shit about any of us. (I'm sorry if that offends anybody but it's what I believe.) I was raised in the church, was a religious child and prayed every day when I was little. A lot of good that did me. LOL! As an adult I've come to reject the church and the Bible outright. The reality is, we have only ourselves and, in some cases, the people in our lives to rely on. You may feel like you don't have the strength to get through this on your own power but you do. That strength is in there somewhere, I promise you. You don't need some elusive higher power to grant you that strength because it is already within you. The fact that you've survived what you already have shows me that.

Keep in mind that what you're going through right now is probably the hardest time of your life. As a CSA survivor, you will always bear some of these scars but over the years they will become less painful and you will adapt and adjust to living with them. Ten years from now you'll probably look back at this stage in your life and shutter to think about it but know that you survived it and be proud of yourself.

Keep going man. Keep surviving. Keep on doing what you need to do day by day to get through and eventually a path out of your hell will open up, and things will improve. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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