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#432055 - 04/22/13 10:18 AM Re: I don't remember anything and it's killing me. [Re: Poorsoft]
csasurvivor1992 Offline


Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
poorsoft, wish you luck brother. it's tough stuff for sure. i was kind of in the same boat you were in, actually. i knew that my thought patterns were off and my lines of reasoning were off. actually didn't care so much. i was entranced in being a survivor. entranced my friend. i was told to attend the college i did, which led to military service and all that. i was told to do those things, i did.

it wasn't until i got out of the military that i entered a severe depression. i finally broke away from the ties which i felt bound me to being a perpetual victim, handcuffed by my perpetrators mindfuck. damn him. he was my dad. WAS my dad until i was six (at least how i remember it)

gotta tell you man, i wouldn't have been able to handle this until now... about a year into therapy. it takes time. lots of time. and honesty. first big breakthrough for me was when i said "fuck it"... here we go. shared my deepest thoughts and fears (as i know them) with my T. he smiled and said good... two and a half months later, here we are. i'm on a board with you.

i had memories, but i have been so far dissociated from them, it's crazy. emotionally dissociated. i know these things happened to me, but it's like seeing roadkill, absolutely no emotional attachment.

takes time soft, takes time. just deal with things as they come. honesty, as best you can. for me, i started therapy because i couldn't cope anymore... my thoughts turned highly destructive. highly destructive. thought maybe i wanted to live and therapy may help me do that. it is. it truly is. i have experienced the warmth of the sun on the other side of recovery. i know it's real, i know it's real. genuinely real. that makes days like today easier. days where i am emotionally accepting that i was abused. i was hurt by the only man charged in this world with protecting me. the only man who was supposed to teach me how to be a man. 32 years of living, 26 years of living with this shit, 1 year of therapy... i am finally dealing with the pain, the hurt, the sadness of this. it hurts. it hurts so freaking bad. but i know there's a sun when this storm passes.

it takes time. our bodies (and you actually probably know this) allow us to remember what we can handle. preparing your mind and body is key... absolutely key. that can be accomplished with talk therapy. but be easy on yourself. just do your best, that's all you can do. no one is judging you. be easy on yourself. if in fact you were abused, you are doing the best you can to cope and i'd say that's pretty freaking awesome! you are in a position to help other survivors once you work this out (which may take awhile, but that's OK!)

good luck to you brother!
_________________________
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

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#432057 - 04/22/13 10:22 AM Re: I don't remember anything and it's killing me. [Re: Poorsoft]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3420
Loc: somewhere in Africa
this is so good, 92! SO good!!!
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#432067 - 04/22/13 11:37 AM Re: I don't remember anything and it's killing me. [Re: Poorsoft]
Poorsoft Offline


Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
Wow, great replies and I really appreciate the effort you've taken in them.

Ive stopped smoking for 2 days, doesnt sound much but its god damn hard when you sit and chainsmoke joints till you pass out and I cant be sure if its the withdrawal making me feel moody or this.

I wish I could scream, but I dont wanna disturb anyone.

I also wish I could shed a single tear. My resevoir is tightly sealed.

And most of all I wish I could go one day, just one day...to hell just one night without thinking about it. Its constant.

Perhaps I have became lost in this obsession.

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#432070 - 04/22/13 11:49 AM Re: I don't remember anything and it's killing me. [Re: Poorsoft]
csasurvivor1992 Offline


Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
poorsoft, i hear you. i sympathize with you. i am finally starting to release the tears held for so long in my reservoir. it's so hard to cry when you want, not knowing why but knowing the tears are there. wanting to scream, but not knowing if it's okay or because you're crazy. FUCK THE ASSHOLES who caused us to question ourselves. damn it!

you have not gotten lost in this obsession. this obsession is now our reality. the other shit we've experienced until now has been coping at the highest levels. i'd even suggest the opposite that you are now out of the 'Matrix' for the first time. it's a big deal and hard to handle.

it will continue to be constant. but talk it out. you're not lost, you just posted your thoughts. you are engaging in a trusted community of like experienced men. you are found my friend.

keep it going.

and congrats on smoke free two days! that's awesome!
_________________________
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

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#432072 - 04/22/13 12:15 PM Re: I don't remember anything and it's killing me. [Re: Poorsoft]
Poorsoft Offline


Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
Thanks again 92.

I read most things on here and think "thats me".

To go back to a previous reply, it was said that the fetish points towards csa in infancy. Im not so sure, because I feel somewhat europhic and safe as I did it, it leads me to think the regressive behaviour is taking me back to a time when I was safe, thus the feeling of safety.

I also feel like an idiot. I graduated last year and didnt even think about it or see any of signs. I should have known better.

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#432075 - 04/22/13 12:34 PM Re: I don't remember anything and it's killing me. [Re: Poorsoft]
csasurvivor1992 Offline


Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
for sure poorsoft. i feel so bad that you're struggling with yourself. you're not an idiot at all. you are experiencing these things as you are ready to experience them and realize them. not an idiot at all. i thought i didn't need therapy at all because i had "dealt" with it. yeah, not really. i felt like an idiot too. i do need talk therapy. but, i could only go when i was ready.

i would also submit that the regressive behavior you mentioned somehow links to expectations like you shouldn't be doing that? standards and expectations, trying to be the perfect man/boy? but also, abused children only know that intimacy involves sex of some kind. i always thought any girl who talked to me or paid a compliment or even just looked at me wanted to have sex with me. nope. they didn't. that was just my confused mind associating attention with sex. i continue to touch, or fiddle with myself just sitting watching TV next to my wife. it agitates her no end. but there's something more there, i think.

so i would say, continue to be easy on yourself smile. and two, continue to explore and give yourself credit for behaviors that were born in evil, they are not yours, but a response, and a normal one at that! smile

keep easy on yourself brother, keep it going.
_________________________
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

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#432098 - 04/22/13 06:52 PM . [Re: Poorsoft]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (04/24/13 12:29 PM)

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#432118 - 04/22/13 10:14 PM Re: I don't remember anything and it's killing me. [Re: Poorsoft]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1112
Loc: The ATL
Hi Poorsoft. I obviously can't say for sure what did or did not happen to you but from everything you described, I'd be surprised if CSA wasn't part of your experience. I just feel like I've known and have spoken to enough survivors over the years in various forums to know when I'm hearing the account of one. In fact, if I had read a lot of what you wrote one some other site, one that wasn't CSA related, and the poster listed everything you just did but didn't relate it in any way to CSA, I would be thinking, "I'll bet this guy was sexually abused at a child." Just my 2 cents. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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#432141 - 04/23/13 05:42 AM Re: I don't remember anything and it's killing me. [Re: Poorsoft]
Poorsoft Offline


Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
Thank you guys, this is all helping me tremendously.

I'm sure most can relate that feeling of 'oh fuck, I'm insane, I'm crazy, no one believes me' and that feeling is slowly slipping away and I thank the people of MS for that. Truely.

I have had the same fears and fantasies brave. I remember doing this weird ritual, I would do it from about the age of 8-12 perhaps, I'm not sure; but what would happen is I would have to 'hide' some place and stand perfectly still until this feeling (normally in my rectum) went away. I don't know how to describe it...

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