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#432010 - 04/21/13 11:11 PM I'm Angry
nomad510 Offline


Registered: 04/02/13
Posts: 28
My first post. I have been looking at this forum for about a month now. I wanted to make a more 'proper' introduction than this but things don't always work out as planned do they?

Tonight I'm angry. WHY? I'm angry for what I've become because of the sexual abuse, how I've tried to be 'perfect'. Well guess what: FUCK PERFECT.

Also, you want to know what else I'm angry about? I'm angry with the God that I created in my head. WHY? Well I have a good feeling that the God I created in my head isn't much like the real God. So fuck that too. I'm out to destroy that evil.

I'm angry.


Edited by Ben1977 (04/21/13 11:17 PM)

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#432013 - 04/21/13 11:33 PM Re: I'm Angry [Re: nomad510]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Ben, welcome in and be as angry you want. I am angry for you because you were sexually abused. F***kin angry for you that you think you have to be perfect to cover the wounds someone else gave you. Like you said "Fuck Perfect".

And you know what? Anger... true anger... the kind you are talking about tonight... is something I had to wait decades to acknowledge. Glad you are getting it out and beginning to express it now. Glad I saw your first first and had the chance to respond.

Be angry. Be very very angry. My best to you as you heal.

b.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#432060 - 04/22/13 10:43 AM Re: I'm Angry [Re: nomad510]
csasurvivor1992 Offline


Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
ben, i agree with thisman... be angry! good on you for posting! that takes a ton of courage! i was so afraid to make my first post. it had to be perfect and introductory and compassionate towards everyone else.

then i did make it and the encouragement was so freeing! post regularly, post often... sharing your thoughts and truly, your feelings is a huge step towards recovery!

good luck man, keep it up. it's difficult, but you've already taken the first step!
_________________________
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

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#432062 - 04/22/13 11:04 AM Re: I'm Angry [Re: nomad510]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
Agreed.

Of all the emotions we are forced to feel through the bullshit of abuse recover -- shame, guilt, fear, etc. -- nothing gets to the heart of the matter like anger.

Be angry. Find a healthy way to channel that anger, and then be angry again.

You have every right to be mad as hell.

Welcome to MS, my brother.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#432064 - 04/22/13 11:06 AM Re: I'm Angry [Re: nomad510]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1530
Loc: New England
Welcome Ben,

Anger, fear, self-hatred, shame, even horny......all the feelings a guy can have are okay to express here. Talking about it is the first step in healing. It might get worse before getting better, but hang in there. We've got your back.

Jude
_________________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down.
Tom Petty

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#432076 - 04/22/13 01:11 PM Re: I'm Angry [Re: nomad510]
nomad510 Offline


Registered: 04/02/13
Posts: 28
Thanks for your support guys! I've leveled off a bit and since been thinking about the topic of anger and realized some more reasons why I am angry. The first reason I can think of is something that I am now thankful will loosen it's grip on me: Anger for not being able to feel anger. Impotent anger.

And here are a few others (maybe some you can relate to):

*ANGRY at the "shame" I have after feeling angry. Just let me feel anger for once - nobody will get hurt.
*ANGRY for feeling like I need to apologize to everyone on this board for posting my original post (which is obviously not the case - all in my head! which leads me to the next)
*ANGRY for not being able to trust my thoughts. (my abuser was deceptive when he was caught and gave me the message my thoughts can't be trusted)
*ANGRY for paranoid thoughts, overly worried to the point of being completely weak with low self esteem, irrational thoughts and simply not the case thoughts.
*ANGRY for losing my ability to attract women.
*ANGRY for not addressing the abuse head-on for 27 years after it happened which caused me many lost years and years of pain, turmoil and unnecessary hardship.
*Angry at myself for being too "nice" and getting taken advantage of (disrespectful things like not paying back money as agreed upon).
*ANGRY for feeling like my life is on a hamster wheel when it comes to relationships. I can predict exactly what happens but I don't because I want to be hopeful and optimistic. Still it happens over and over again. I'm 35 single and lonely and no future in sight in regards to relationships, marriage and kids. How pathetic! I've seen and admired others on this board who suffered worse abuse for a longer duration and are married with kids - whether it's easy for them or not they've made it farther than me, I can't even make it there - fuck that makes me so damn ANGRY.
*ANGRY for becoming completely incompetent with women (at least in my own head and self esteem which projects onto everyone creating that as the reality). I used to not be able to keep women away and it was effortless - my have things changed. I feel like an alien now for all that's happened to me, like an outcast and someone who is not lovable. And the only way I can try to relate it so be 'perfect', when they see that I' not perfect and I haven't been myself they leave and I feel like shit that the cycle has repeated over again. I don't know how to feel intimate or have a connection and when I do have a connection it's with a very aggressive woman who ends up psychologically or emotionally abusing me, or sexually abusing me, one girlfriend has sex with me in my sleep, another would always be fondling me in the morning. I had a great connection with those women - I wonder why!

I just want to leave off with this. I'm not looking for self-pity, I loath that because that's what my abuser used as a tactic to keep me quite for so long. I'm just hear to express myself and maybe others can relate and we can share and all help each other get better in some way.

The Anger continues and is justified when it has never been able to have a voice. I'm going to continue to let it out as much as I need to until things reach a place of normalcy.

Thanks for listening.

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#432114 - 04/22/13 09:54 PM Re: I'm Angry [Re: nomad510]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1106
Loc: The ATL

Hi Ben. Good post man and a good first thread. Don't be angry at yourself for that too.

Anger is healthy and anger is important. Letting yourself feel anger is vital. It's good to have as many anger outlets as you can possibly have. Some of mine are things as simple as playing a violent video game or listening to loud heavy metal. If I didn't have all the little outlets I have, I'd loose my fucking mind and/or wind up running some asshole down with my car.

The fact that you can identify your anger and know where it's coming from and why is so huge. That's so healthy and such a big step. Some people find it extremely hard to do this and struggle with it. The only thing I wish I didn't hear so much of, is your anger at yourself. I know how hard that is and I live with internalized anger every day. Anger that I turn inward and beat myself up with. I wish I could tell you what the solution to that is but if I could, I'd be a much healthier man right now. Good luck working on that and keep sharing. Peace,

Ken

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#432132 - 04/22/13 11:47 PM Re: I'm Angry [Re: nomad510]
Publius Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 396
Loc: OH
I'm angry for you and with you. Everything you listed as something you are angry about I can identify with completely. Speaking to the spiritual side of CSA I know it can feel the worse. Something that is supposed to represent pure good, love, truth, and kindness is completely turned on its head. There is a reason so many survivors say their abuse felt like "soul murder."
_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

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#432135 - 04/23/13 12:23 AM Re: I'm Angry [Re: nomad510]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 341
Loc: NY
Ben:

Like Publius has written, the spiritual confusion is sometimes the most disturbing.

Sadly, I now see a pattern of hating myself and imagining that something spiritual or God-like was protecting me from that hate. Overthrowing the false sense of protection is difficult at first. It feels like an old friend who has outlasted their use. A kind of sick buddy.

In my heart, I feel that God is there to hold us in our healing, like a soft moss or breeze. Although for many years I couldn't get there, I'm now ready to slay that false sense of security. As you state it, there was a God in my head who ran things for a long time, keeping me isolated. What felt like it might be a higher power was more of a holding power, keeping away the pain.

Anger is what reminds me that the God in my head has been a powerful force for silence. I too want to get rid of that God, even if it means feeling the pain and acknowledgement of that which shouldn't have happened.

Focused Body
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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