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#432063 - 04/22/13 11:04 AM There are no more distractions... help?
csasurvivor1992 Offline


Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
all the to do lists in the world can no longer mask the internal struggle i've had. these emotions i haven't known were there, but have been so present, so real, and so impactful like the temperature of a room. sadness, grief, anger, sorrow, remorse.

checking things off a list, putting on my daily 'costume' and playing a character... those things don't work anymore because i know the awful truth. i was abused by my father. none of the masks work anymore. the pain is still there.

i'm sitting here on the verge of tears wondering what to do next. i don't know what to do next. none of the crap i can do will help me deal with this pain.

i asked my mother on saturday what she would've done if i, at six, had told her what happened... because i feel as though i am an emotional six year old! what are we going to do? am i in trouble? did i deserve this? did i do something wrong?

for so long, i know i haven't been ready to process these emotions. what now? i am ready and my body wants to process them.

her suggestion, go for a run. NO! I am hurting! i need a freaking hug! i need to know that it's alright and that i didn't do anything wrong. i need to know that you're so sorry this happened and that if you had known, we wouldn't have stayed in the home.

i feel like i need to process this pain and i'm not sure how. it hurts. it's so depressing. what are some of the things you men have tried when the emotional reality finally hit you like a ton of bricks?
_________________________
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

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#432090 - 04/22/13 04:46 PM " [Re: csasurvivor1992]
lbcali1978 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/12
Posts: 217
"


Edited by lbcali1978 (04/29/13 12:56 AM)
_________________________
They said

Come home

I said

I'm confused and alone

They said

We understand

I found out they don't

I'll walk the path exactly how I've always done it

Alone

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#432093 - 04/22/13 05:17 PM Re: There are no more distractions... help? [Re: csasurvivor1992]
Poorsoft Offline


Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
Quote:
i feel like i need to process this pain and i'm not sure how.


You're doing it now. Keep going, but be easy on yourself.

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#432121 - 04/22/13 10:20 PM Re: There are no more distractions... help? [Re: csasurvivor1992]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1478
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: csasurvivor1992
i feel like i need to process this pain and i'm not sure how. it hurts. it's so depressing. what are some of the things you men have tried when the emotional reality finally hit you like a ton of bricks?

Hey CSA,

I wish I had better news than this, but the reality for me has been that I have had to feel the pain, the emotional reality of it all. Everything I had not allowed myself to feel since my abuse, had to be experienced in all its gut wrenching, sickening, exhausting, detail. Anger, fear, hatred, shame, everything had to be felt. For me, the only way out was through it all.

Just by posting you have made a good start. Getting yourself a good therapist, If you don't already have one, would be a good next step. We're always here for you.

Jude
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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#432131 - 04/22/13 11:30 PM Re: There are no more distractions... help? [Re: csasurvivor1992]
Publius Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 396
Loc: OH
I suggest you seek out a therapist if you have not done so already. Secondly, there are any number of books on the subject of male CSA that can guide you through some of the feelings. Thirdly, posting and reading this site can help as a release. Lastly and most importantly take care of yourself. This means don't forget to eat, get enough sleep, exercise if you feel up for it, do things you like to do. There will be days when you might not feel up for anything and that is okay. You are processing more than any one person can process at one time, which is why recovery doesn't just happen overnight.

I know what you mean when you say you feel like you are an emotional six year old. When my recovery began it was as if my brain hit the reset button on my emotional development. I had adhered to false emotional truths for years and so I ended up unlearning the bad stuff while re-learning the good stuff.
_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

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#432137 - 04/23/13 12:37 AM Re: There are no more distractions... help? [Re: csasurvivor1992]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 318
Loc: NY
Originally Posted By: csasurvivor1992
for so long, i know i haven't been ready to process these emotions. what now? i am ready and my body wants to process them.


Yes, I think this is very hard. What has been really good for me is to find new ways to trust my physical being. That doesn't only mean exercising. Sometimes it is just moving around a room in a way that feels authentic, real.

You might also take a look at the work of Peter Levine. He has developed some approaches that help process the unprocessed experiences at a pace that is natural, with the aid of the body.

Focused.
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#432158 - 04/23/13 11:38 AM Re: There are no more distractions... help? [Re: csasurvivor1992]
csasurvivor1992 Offline


Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
thank you men. yesterday was very tough. draining. i'm still drained.

I am seeing a T... i will definitely bring up yesterday. i'll do better to regulate my diet and eat only the good things... that suggestion really helps coming from you guys. if anyone else would've told me, it would not have been well received... i'd have taken it as "get over it" and here's how...

hearing these things from you guys is different and i take your advice to heart.

Thank you men.
_________________________
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

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