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#431986 - 04/21/13 07:33 PM Hi everyone
allalone Offline


Registered: 04/20/13
Posts: 20
I'm allalone and I'm married to a survivor. We have recently separated at his request with the intent of him getting help for both the CSA and for multiple affairs throughout our 15 year marriage. I'm trying to understand so I'm reading as much as I can.

Any insight and support I receive is greatly appreciated. Where we live I have no family near and we pretty much isolated ourselves from friends for the past few years and this also obviously not something I can talk about with others.

I miss my husband.

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#431987 - 04/21/13 08:05 PM Re: Hi everyone [Re: allalone]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Hello allalone,

May I first say, I feel your pain. I hear your sadness and loss. Here in MaleSurvivor you will find the support you need among dear supporters who have had this or similar experiences. You may wish to begin attending support groups in the area that specialize in supporting spouse like CODA and AL-ANON.

Find the healing you need to begin living the life you want, anticipate his return by building a life that can include him if that is what you and he want in the future. Thank you for caring and supporting him as you have, it warms my heart to know that a survivor has been loved and cared for,

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#431992 - 04/21/13 08:28 PM Re: Hi everyone [Re: allalone]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Hi Allalone

I am so sorry that you have to deal with all this. I am sorry that your H hurt you this way. You are obviously a very strong woman for trying to understand why your husband would betray you like that. I am sure you will find many supporters of your own in the Family and Friends board. Sadly you are not as alone as you might think.

I have been married for 13 years and we have 2 kids together. I have to say that my own infidelity is my greatest source of shame and self hatred. It is encouraging to see that you are not abandoning your man completely and are giving him space to heal. Stay as close to him as you can handle .... he will need you. I am sure he misses you too.

Lee
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#431998 - 04/21/13 09:11 PM Re: Hi everyone [Re: Farmer Boy]
allalone Offline


Registered: 04/20/13
Posts: 20
Thank you for responding SamV and Lee. I'm having a difficult time with how I should act around him. He thinks he won't get help until he loses me. He has been gone 2 weeks and he has yet to call a counselor. I know he's afraid and I'm trying to be patient but I'm afraid if I give him to much of myself he won't get help.

Thank you for saying I'm strong. I'm being told by many people that I'm obviously codependent or why would I be willing to take this man back after he has cheated on me so many times. I thought loving your spouse for better or for worse is what you're supposed to do when you're married.

How can I turn my back on someone that I love, especially when I know what he's been through and how it has affected him.


Edited by allalone (04/21/13 09:20 PM)

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#432006 - 04/21/13 10:18 PM Re: Hi everyone [Re: allalone]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
allalone

You ARE strong...seriously.

He DOES need to see a counsellor or therapist experienced in CSA. That is a given and maybe after some time it might be good for the two of you to go together. (if it works out that way)

You need to make it clear that he has to do his part as well. You cannot do all the work. He needs more help than you can give him or should be expected to give him. If he won't actively seek help I am afraid that you might have to walk away for your own good at some point.

I have to admit it took me 5-6 months to get up the courage to call a counsellor. The thought of talking about it was really scary and humiliating and the reality of digging up the memories was near soul destroying. It is not something anyone wants to do. But it is worth it in the end.

Your husband is a lucky man to have your love and compassion.

Lee
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#432223 - 04/23/13 11:05 PM Re: Hi everyone [Re: allalone]
allalone Offline


Registered: 04/20/13
Posts: 20
I've started to write something and then erased several times already... I feel like I just need to talk through some stuff and don't know where to start.

My husband waffled back and forth until late March on whether he should move out. Once he actually committed to an apartment he spent the next week breaking down every day crying and saying he wished he could take everything back, he wished he had never done all those things, etc. He said he didn't want to move out, he's forcing himself because he needs to be punished and needs to suffer. It's hard for him to be around me without feeling overwhelmed by guilt. He also says he doesn't think he will be motivated to get help until he loses me. He finally did tell me the day before he moved out that he knows he does love me.

He has just now been gone two weeks and the first week he saw the kids and I almost every day. And we had contact through texts quite a bit. This past week the contact has been less and I have shown a much stronger demeanor.

He asked me to remind him why he moved out periodically. Which is to get help and have space to think. I have asked him once each week if he has called the counselor and the first week he had but he waited late in the day and didn't have time to do the screening. To my knowledge he has never called back. The first week he was gone, he texted me saying he wanted to have sex. I told him that we would not be having sex until he started going to counseling. He didn't even acknowledge the text. When he saw me the next day he tried some little innuendos and I politely reminded him of my boundary.

The second time I asked him if he had called the counselor and he said no, I ended the conversation and have now been detaching more. He has noticed and he's been close to breaking down a few times. He came to the house last night to spend time with the kids (I was working late) and my daughter said he looked like he was going to cry when he saw that I had taken all but one of our pictures down. He actually snooped through my closet to see where I had put them. He then started grilling her about me. "Is mom doing ok?" "Is she sad?" As I was leaving work, I passed him driving by my work to check and see if that's where I really was (I assume).

I'm having a really hard time when I see or hear about him struggling or hurting. I want to comfort him and tell him I still love him and that I'm here silently supporting him but at the same time I have to start moving on because he's making no move to get help. I understand he's scared and it may take time, I have no plans to file for divorce or date, but I do need to be strong for my kids.
I think it's scaring him because we separated for 10 months back in 2005/2006 and I was a clingy mess. I am no where near the person I was back then. I get sad but it's not consuming me. I do miss him but it's not running my life.

This is so hard. I just want to hug my husband and tell him I love him.

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#432513 - 04/26/13 10:49 AM Re: Hi everyone [Re: allalone]
allalone Offline


Registered: 04/20/13
Posts: 20
I really need help and support right now. I just found out my husband is in an active affair (at the very least emotional but more than likely physical). He is a police LT. and it is with one of his officers on his shift. He could lose his job! I've been having my suspicions about her but never thought he would jeopardize his job and his kids financial well being. I'm devastated and part of me wants to go to the Chief. He would most definitely get fired or demoted. But I wonder if this is what he needs to get help.

Her husband sent me photos of cards my husband had given her back at Christmas and Valentines. One calling her babe and the other say "love you". He says they were just jokes. He says they have an interest in each other but know nothing can happen because he's her supervisor. But they supposedly went to the chief together to confess their interest in each other but let him know nothing had happened. But they would like to be put on separate shifts so when they get divorced they can explore their feelings.

What do I do??? Do I file for divorce immediately or do I wait? I'm so lost and scared and alone.

Please help.

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#432540 - 04/26/13 03:56 PM Re: Hi everyone [Re: allalone]
allalone Offline


Registered: 04/20/13
Posts: 20
Please someone...

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#432542 - 04/26/13 04:54 PM Re: Hi everyone [Re: allalone]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3610
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi allalone,
I'm sorry if situation with you and your husband is so difficult.
Maybe you could make post about your current issues in Family and Friends part of the board, I'm sure people would spot it more easily there as this part of the forum is made for introduction and many could oversee it.
Good that you are taking care for self; it is not good that you are feeling lonely and without support, are there any friends available for talk?
It is very difficult to reclaim old life after couple of years living in shadow and kind of isolation, but you are not alone, we are here for you.
Talk with us, I hope you'll feel better!

(((Allalone)))
_________________________
My story

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#432548 - 04/26/13 05:13 PM Re: Hi everyone [Re: allalone]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 414
Loc: Canada
Hi allalone.

I wish I could tell you my story ... but it's long and complicated and I have just had eye surgery ...
I can only read/write in short bursts ... so I'll skip the niceties and get to my point.

Clearly ... you love this man.
Despite it all ... clearly this man loves you.

Do not act rashly ... and for God's sake ... do not listen to judgements from anyone else ... not at this point.

I have 2 old sayings to offer ...

"Follow your heart... "
and
"Act in haste, repent at leisure ... "

You are not alone ... you still have yourself.

Sharky.
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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