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#431969 - 04/21/13 05:11 PM I don't remember anything and it's killing me.
Poorsoft Offline


Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
Short Version
I don't know how else to say it, but I don't have any clear memory of being abused. I don't even know for certain if I was. It's killing me because it would be much 'easier' if this was the reason. Why? Well I think I'm pretty much insane, I have obscure ideas and have this heightened sense of empathy which means I can be quite nosy, but I'll chat to anyone. Regardless, I went to therapy a few months ago and whilst my therapist never said anything, the things we discussed lead me to come to the conclusion. The more I read about it, the more it matched. So I ask, if it wasn't this; what was it? It's killing me and I feel selfish for it.

Long Version
I've always been the way I am for a long time, not really thought to as why I felt this way until a few months ago, I went to therapy, not exactly out of choice. See I had been acting out a lot at work, causing hell and then just breaking down every so often. I've always been somewhat introverted, had bad experiences in school with bullying, had some major problems with my ear when I was 14, I didn't hit puberty till I was 16 and my parents seperated when I was 15 (I had known much longer than they did).

I've always had messed up thoughts, horrendous thoughts that make you hate yourself. Mostly violent, sexual and unwanted. The guilt of this and being exposed as some sort of psychopath has always been on my mind.

When it comes to feelings, I'll talk about you forever, I'll get right under your skin and find what it is thats bothering you then we will deal with it together. But that conversation doesn't come back my way.

I'm utterly addicted to pot, I love it, but it has got out of control, to the point where I'm broke at the start of the month, when I get paid.

I'm happy and sad at the same time, I can't explain why I am. I was told it was just because of my parents divorce and the indecision that I often suffer with is just a sympton of intelligent thinking.

I can remember drips and drabs of childhood, but not much. The odd place, odd age, but it almost seems as if my life started at age 12/13, rather than 1. I thought this to be normal. I was firestarter. I would lock myself away in my room, I still do. I'm addicted to just about anything worth being addicted too. My attention span is short and my moods flucuate a lot.

You could say every normal person goes through these things and that's true. But why would I have these thoughts in the first place? I didn't have a violent childhood. I saw the same things as everyone else, yet I'm pretty hypersensitive.

I startle easy, to the point where my family love to give me a fright occasionaly, because I always get a little shock. Harmless fun.

I've had an obscure fetish, harmless and legit, but strange none the less. It's difficult to say it, because it comes with so many questions most the time, it's simply not worth mentioning, but I guess I always felt safe, happy, europhic when I was wearing an adult diaper. (I HATE to admit that, but at this point I've got nothing to lose).

I started pleasuring myself at about age 9. This superseeded some 'innocent' cross dressing, which lasted till I was about 15. All in private of course.

My mother says "It all started going sour when we got that computer", I was about 11 when we got our first computer and I was glued from the get go. I would play games late to the evening and sacrificed the real world for my virtual one. It was much better I thought and seemed to stimulate me more than the tripe that was shown on TV.

So just how did you get to the point where you were posting on MS?
So heres the deal, if you go through the same cycle at work, where you're good for a long time, then start to quesiton everything and generally make peoples lives difficult, throw in the odd meltdown and emotional outburst when confronted; I got sent to see a therapist. Of course, I could have refused, it wasn't court ordered.

I went to therapy, had 5 sessions, but in these 5 sessions I talked about the burden that was my OCD, which has got considerably better, but has plagued me for years. It started with 'If you don't do x y z , you're gay'. It often meant something stupid like touching a door or an object. With this OCD came the constant praying for protection for my family, I was convinced my mother was going to die, from an early age, I can't even remember when.

So after a few sessions, I started to think about what she was saying and it ended with one simple recommendation; 'I think you would benefit from a GOOD trauma psychotherapist.' What???? I thought. I challenged her asked her why, she didn't want to answer because she didn't want to open a wound that she couldnt close because we had a limit to our sessions. Her credentials were amazing and I cross checked what she said with my own supervisor (Twist: I just graduated as a therapist, I'm 25); and it matched. Weird? Just why would she recommend this.

So I started my mission to find out information. I've always had this nack for getting what I want quickly. I googled things, mainly ways of feeling and I kept coming up with the same result. CSA, CSA and more CSA.

NO, this can't be right. I think I would have remembered being abused. But then again, everything fits so well.

It's killing me because, if it wasn't CSA, what was it that caused me to do the things I've done, think the way I think? I can't come up with any answer, because every thing I point to there is a but and it's normally 'yeah, but you still did that BEFORE that event'.

Input appreciated.


Edited by Poorsoft (04/21/13 05:17 PM)

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#431970 - 04/21/13 05:46 PM " [Re: Poorsoft]
lbcali1978 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/12
Posts: 217
"


Edited by lbcali1978 (04/29/13 12:44 AM)
_________________________
They said

Come home

I said

I'm confused and alone

They said

We understand

I found out they don't

I'll walk the path exactly how I've always done it

Alone

Top
#431982 - 04/21/13 06:56 PM Re: I don't remember anything and it's killing me. [Re: Poorsoft]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1166
Loc: New York
Hey Poor,

My life started at 10. I was abused from 10-18. I remember maybe 1% of my life before 10. What went on I'm scared to find out.

That said I pieced together the puzzle of my life with a lot of information from people here at MS. Before I came here I had a mess of incidents. Now I have a complete puzzle with all the pieces fitting together except for my life before 10.

You are not being selfish wanting to know what happened to you. I am sort of the opposite in that I would love to know what happened to me but I'm too scared to find out. Maybe once I straighten out my head with this part of my life I will look into my life before 10.

You definitely need to get to the bottom of your problem and that means therapy and maybe meds. A lot of things you mention I've had problems with. Now I can say why would I think anything bad happened with me before the age of 10. Well for one I don't remember anything. I don't remember friends, the house I lived in, the collie that my parents had, nothing except: My mother always beat me and I remember locking myself in the bathroom and jumping down the laundry chute to the basement and climbing out the window to escape her wrath. Sounds like that would be enough to make me worry about what happened.

But the one thing that sticks out in my mind is that me and another kid (I don't remember the age we were or who he was) were told by two men (I don't know who they were) to dig a hole in the woods where they had taken us. I had a pitchfork like the ones you break up the earth with. The other kid had a shovel to take the dirt out of the hole. The only problem to this senario is that he had one of these small gardening shovels where you have to get down on your knees. You would think that I would first break up some earth and then he would take it out of the hole. But that wasn't the case. We had to do it at the same time. I was told to dig harder, until i finally got him in the center of his hand. I had pinned his hand to the ground and I froze and so did the kid. One of the men puts his foot on the kid's hand and pulls the pitchfork out. The color of the hole in his hand was pure white, but then started to turn red and then start filling the hole. The two men then picked the kid up gave me the pitchfork and they left. I never saw that kid again and never found out what happened. I went home and I guess I never said anything about what happened.

The other thing that makes me feel funny is the fact that my mother always makes the joke while in the company of others that since I was 3 I always said I wanted to run away from home. kind of sick for a kid as young as 3 to say something like that and even sicker for my mother to make a joke about it.

So I know something went on but I don't know what but it will eventually need some looking into. You have enough issues that leaves me to believe there might very well be a case of csa in your past. I've seen a lot of guys here with similar issues as you have including me. See if you can get more therapy and find out what really happened. Then you can piece you puzzle together and live life.

Oh yeah, one more thing. It took me years to figure out why guys were calling me faggot. I always thought that a faggot was an anti Vietnam war protester so I thought they were just being mean. but no they weren't being just mean they knew more about me than I did. Today I smile when someone calls me a faggot smile.

You came to the right place and it's a pleasure meeting you but sorry you had to come here in the first place. But there is a ton of resources to help you find and make sense out of your past and what you find out along the way. The best of luck.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Depression Feels Like Home, and Happiness is Just a Place I Visit

It will get better....

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#431988 - 04/21/13 08:05 PM Re: I don't remember anything and it's killing me. [Re: Poorsoft]
Murph Offline


Registered: 04/01/13
Posts: 7
Hey Poor-

I am in the same situation as you. Instinctively I know something bad happened to me but I have NO memory until age 11. I can tell you the school and church I went to, but I can not tell you what the school looks like (I went there from 1st to 7th grade) no memory of friends, etcc... I am going to T and he uses the IFS approach that acknowledges different parts (memories) and exile memories that are buried. It is a good approach for me; and I am beginning to remember small snippets.
good luck and stay strong

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#431993 - 04/21/13 08:30 PM Re: I don't remember anything and it's killing me. [Re: Poorsoft]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1038
PoorSoft & Murph,

Welcome to MS to you both. As you can see from my screen name, you are not alone. Many of us here know or suspect we were abused, but don't have a memory of it.

The adult diaper fetish is a good sign that one might have been abused in one's infancy or in the toddler stage. Although I don't have that particular kink, I can see it from where I am.

I invite you to look at my back posts and see where I've been spilling my guts on this issue here for years. Feel free to PM me with any questions.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#431995 - 04/21/13 08:49 PM " [Re: cant_remember]
lbcali1978 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/12
Posts: 217
"


Edited by lbcali1978 (04/29/13 12:45 AM)
_________________________
They said

Come home

I said

I'm confused and alone

They said

We understand

I found out they don't

I'll walk the path exactly how I've always done it

Alone

Top
#431996 - 04/21/13 08:58 PM Re: I don't remember anything and it's killing me. [Re: Poorsoft]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 283
Loc: MO
Dear Poorsoft, Murph, and cant_remember

Well my daughter did not remember until she was 35. She still (after a year) has only spotty memories. My older brother does not remmeber the event(s) but he remembers the name. He knows it was frightening. I was also abused by this manner, with my mother's help a few years later; and have vague recollections of his taking pictures of me AND my brothers with underwear on our heads.

Memory often comes latter. To be playing with yourself obsessively when you are 9 indicates that you were exposed to some sexual activity before that. It may be easiest to remember any other sexual activities you self initiated when you were still prepubescent. These are almost only caused by csa, not just pulling on your penis, but rubbing up against other kids. Initiationg "doctor" repeatedly. spying on your sister or other sibling or relative when they are naked, maybe even only monthly.

These are all signs. The startled reaction is almost always a sign of trauma; but not necessarily sexual trauma. I probably know a dozen people in AA who didn't rember until they had been sober 5 years or more.

We all have different stories, but we all are just the same.

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#432028 - 04/22/13 01:28 AM Re: I don't remember anything and it's killing me. [Re: Poorsoft]
Poorsoft Offline


Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
Thanks for replying guys, guess I feel less insane now smile

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#432029 - 04/22/13 01:36 AM " [Re: Poorsoft]
lbcali1978 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/12
Posts: 217
"


Edited by lbcali1978 (04/29/13 12:45 AM)
_________________________
They said

Come home

I said

I'm confused and alone

They said

We understand

I found out they don't

I'll walk the path exactly how I've always done it

Alone

Top
#432040 - 04/22/13 07:24 AM Re: I don't remember anything and it's killing me. [Re: Poorsoft]
Poorsoft Offline


Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
Please do, im interested in what people think (with or without a memory)

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