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#431836 - 04/20/13 08:47 AM So as an addendum to my story
jfy Offline


Registered: 04/16/13
Posts: 15
Thought i'd share a little bit more...

Though i wish it hadn't happened, truth is i can choose to use the experience to grow, to grow Spiritually, to use it to help others, as so many of us end up addicted, confused, hurt.

Now that i'm aware of the CSA and it's effects, i can see the root of so many dysfunctions. Now i get why i was so paralyzed with fear, had so much shame, so much hurt, the feeling of being broken and unlovable. First time i did the 12 steps i did the best i could, but i never quite understood the root of all the fear, insecurities, etc.

I think that my GF withdrawing and breaking up with me was a blessing, because i really made me do a totally honest inventory. I saw much more clearly where my insecurities were hurting all of my relationships, i saw my self seeking behavior, i saw how many unhealthy expectations i put on romantic relationships.

It really got me to another level of sobriety, hard to explain, but i'm much more aware of character defects than i've ever have been, and now that i see them, i can work on them. It's really about learning to not rely on self, but on the God of my understanding, and that is not easy, it requires daily work, but the rewards are oh so freaking amazing!

Yesterday i bought Victims No More, paid $23 to have Amazon deliver it today, i'm ready to dive into it! I have no idea what's ahead of me, but i know i'm strong enough now to deal with it, with the help of God, my therapist, and what/whoever he puts before me. I will say that looking at the lineup for the music fest, my cousin who was one of the perps will be involved in one of the events, and it sent a wave of something through me, haven't identified if it's fear, anger, combo, or what. But, it's odd because while the memories were suppressed, i never had that reaction...

Thanks
Frank

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#431925 - 04/21/13 08:45 AM Re: So as an addendum to my story [Re: jfy]
jfy Offline


Registered: 04/16/13
Posts: 15
Told my Mom yesterday. She was aware that "something" happened with the incident with the cousin, but i did not tell them what really happened. She said they addressed it with his Parents, and my dad talked to the boy as well, but at that point the damage had been done. She was very sad to hear what i've been through, i have NO issues with my parents, i'm very lucky in that regards.

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#431936 - 04/21/13 10:52 AM Re: So as an addendum to my story [Re: jfy]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3517
Loc: somewhere in Africa
jfy / Frank -

i am glad you could tell your mom as much as you did. i tried once or twice but it went nowhere. yes, you are lucky. i hope this continues to result in a strong and increasing source of support for you.

and i am in awe of your attitude in using that traumatic experience as an impetus and motivation to grow and to help others. that is incredibly strong and determined on your part.

i would love to hear more - how you got to this point - surely there was a journey - not an immediate arrival at such a positive point of view?

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#431971 - 04/21/13 05:49 PM Re: So as an addendum to my story [Re: jfy]
jfy Offline


Registered: 04/16/13
Posts: 15
Pain brings growth, if we are willing. Losing everything financially, divorce from a 19yr marriage w/ 3 daughters, starting sobriety, getting in a disastrous rebound marriage with a very sick lady (that tells alot about where i was as well) ULTIMATELY forced me to really throw myself into my recovery from alcohol, and ultimately learn to rely on a infinite God rather than my finite self. I've seen what kind of damage i can do when i do it my way!

August will be 4 yrs alcohol free, and the CSA just surfaced a month or so ago. Honestly, i have ZERO doubt that the God of my understanding wouldn't have let it surface if i wasn't able to handle it. Don't get me wrong, i'm not a Bible thumper, and i don't talk much of my personal religious views, but i am learning to rely on the guidance of the God of MY understanding, not the God of any particular religious affiliation...

So, today i'm re-working my 4th and 5th step with my Sponsor, and i'm again blown the hell away by how much fear, at 47, 196 pretty lean pounds, i still have in my world. I do know that so much of it can be traced back to the CSA, it's just so freaking devastating.

I made the decision after going into divorce #2 that i owe it to myself and my daughters to be the very best man i can be, to be happy, joyous, and free. i'll be damned if i'll let obstacles get in my way. I refuse to let these sick people that did this to me make me a victim, any longer. Now, i also see my part in my adult behavior, so can't have a pity party, it's about blood, sweat, tears, and most important, Spiritual Growth, that's the fo shizzle. smile

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#431980 - 04/21/13 06:32 PM " [Re: jfy]
lbcali1978 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/12
Posts: 217
"


Edited by lbcali1978 (04/29/13 12:47 AM)
_________________________
They said

Come home

I said

I'm confused and alone

They said

We understand

I found out they don't

I'll walk the path exactly how I've always done it

Alone

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#432068 - 04/22/13 11:43 AM Re: So as an addendum to my story [Re: jfy]
jfy Offline


Registered: 04/16/13
Posts: 15
I had no other choice, if i drank again, i knew i'd die. So, i had no other alternatives but to try the 12 steps... and man, what a ride it's been. It's been hard at hell at times, but worth every bit of it.

The book speaks of the psychic change that happens during the steps, and i see it now, feel it, live it. It's very liberating. I am also seeing how i can apply the steps to any problem, including csa. I have to forgive myself first, not for the CSA, but for the mistakes i've made. Then i have to forgive everyone, everything, all the time. This is the hard part, and of course it doesn't happen overnight, but forgiving my csa perps isn't for them, it's for me, i cannot move on until i have forgiven them. Not forgotten, or condoned, or justified - but forgiven them. That way i'm not carrying that junk around, it's not polluting my thoughts like i did for so long. It's really about taking back my life, by forgiving. By loving.

Trust me, there's soooooooo much more i have to learn, and grow, but i can say, without a doubt, i'm ok with myself. At times, insecurities, fear, self will, all that stuff rears it's ugly head, but i now have the tools too effectively and healthily deal with it, and i do, and i take another step forward, away from the ugly and dark. smile

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