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#431866 - 04/20/13 02:42 PM A 'Friend'
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 583
This might come off slightly insane, and I really haven't admitted this to anyone in full detail, but a few years ago, I had created a 'friend'. I hate calling him imaginary, because...well, he's *not* in many ways. He's always there, unlike other friends. I even have a name for him, but I can't get myself to share it yet. I think he's the culmination of all the little but overwhelmingly positive memories I have had through human contact. At times when I'm triggered, or when I'm having a tough time, I talk to him. And he talks back, we have an inner dialogue. I had written down a list of his characteristics (maybe a year ago), and what he does for me, and I still pull out that list sometimes - I thought I'd share it here.

Characteristics:
-sincere
-unaffected
-genuine
-kind
-loyal
-frank
-tough
-strong
-courageous
-brave
-disciplined
-mature
-encouraging
-lively
-smart
-intelligent
-positive
-VITAL
-confident
-protective
-uplifting
-spiritual
-spirited
-adventurous
-sharp
-thoughtful
-bright
-knowledgeable
-understanding
-trustworthy
-compassionate
-true
-respectful
-outdoor-loving
-loving
-loved
-kind
-sympathetic
-delicate
-dynamic
-energetic
-warm
-considerate
-sensible
-sensitive
-athletic
-artistic
-perceptive
-assertive
-mature
-pure
-happy
-masculine
-boyish
-manly
-funny
-reserved, but open to me
-independent
-secure
-healthy
-playful
-honest
-transparent
-elegant
-noble
-natural
-active
-curious
-virtuous
-motivated
-straightforward
-galvanizing
-genuinely interested in me, about what I feel, what I think

What he does: asks how I feel; asks what I'm thinking; is curious about me; loves me as a human being; encourages me; lifts up my spirits; gives me hope and confidence; boosts my self-esteem; gives me some sense of belonging; gives me strength and self-belief; motivates me; shares activities with me; defends and protects me; appreciates, approves and praises when necessary; (more imagination now) calls me up, asks how I'm doing; fish, travel and hike together; hugs me; pets me; pats me on my back or shoulders; talks about life over a campfire

What he doesn't do: lie, manipulate, forebode, disrespect, force, intimidate, ignore, self-impose


Edited by concerned_husky (04/20/13 02:42 PM)
_________________________
Husky

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#431867 - 04/20/13 03:21 PM " [Re: concerned_husky]
lbcali1978 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/12
Posts: 217
"


Edited by lbcali1978 (04/29/13 12:33 AM)
_________________________
They said

Come home

I said

I'm confused and alone

They said

We understand

I found out they don't

I'll walk the path exactly how I've always done it

Alone

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#431871 - 04/20/13 04:28 PM Re: A 'Friend' [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 583
Thanks lbcali. Never thought of it as DID before actually, will have to look into that. If it is, I guess integrating is the next step...

Husky
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Husky

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#431874 - 04/20/13 04:55 PM Re: A 'Friend' [Re: concerned_husky]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6806
Loc: USA
Yep,

It sounds like DID. We had a recent thread on this subject, and we have had a bunch of them in the past.

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...1274#Post431274

I am still sorting mine out. I have 2 music "ones". Maybe more. One of them listens to classical music and memorizes stretches of it and then plays it back in my own mind at the original tempo and pitch and instrumentation. Another performs when I play my horn. I have also had some who were "substitute teachers" for me. One like Carl Sagan (I'm sorry, I know that's presumptions), and some others.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UnURElCzGc0

http://www.carlsagan.com/

And I used to have about 8 inner children. In addition a 12-year-old boy who bore the memory and feelings of being tortured and abused.

Puffer



Edited by pufferfish (04/20/13 05:01 PM)

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#431875 - 04/20/13 05:01 PM Re: A 'Friend' [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 583
This is going to take a while to sink in. Thanks for the link, puffer. I'm on it already.
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Husky

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#431876 - 04/20/13 05:25 PM Re: A 'Friend' [Re: concerned_husky]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 741
Loc: michigan
hey husky
Im not sure about did but I have another too. I wish he was like yours but he is the opposite. I never tried to find his name or even give a damn about him cause he only ever caused me pain! he is the violent one, he is the one that drives me to go to the park and tempt fate, or do other things. I think about integration too but there is such fear of him. he is so angry but he is a kid and I never allow him to be in charge. and when he does break out ... it is not good for me.
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#431877 - 04/20/13 05:30 PM Re: A 'Friend' [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 583
I can relate newground. There's definitely something similar to 'that' in me too. I've never admitted as such, and I manage to keep 'him' under control most of the time. The possibility of having DID has been pretty triggering, even though it's been only the last 15 minutes or so. The more I think of it the more it seems true, and for the first time in a while I'm really scared.
_________________________
Husky

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#431883 - 04/20/13 06:15 PM Re: A 'Friend' [Re: concerned_husky]
theIrregular Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 52
Loc: Canada
Hey Husky,
For the past month or so, I've been considering that idea. To 'create' someone. Mine would have only one trait - acceptance. No matter what happens, he would be there to pick me up and say, "It's ok! I love you no matter what!" I honestly believe it's not DID, because, to me, it's a conscious choice. And the urge stemmed from being lonely and feeling judged over the littlest things (most of the judging comes from within, mind you). I realize I need a friend who will battle some of my thoughts and perceptions. After looking at your list, I am thinking about giving him a few more qualities. And the wierdest thing is, I am not the least bit afraid to 'admit his existence' to others. If I have a hard time standing up for myself, I can defer to him. Whenever I need protection, he'll stand guard. He'll have a way of thinking that's different from my own conditioned responses.
Anyways, I'm absolutely for the idea.
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theIrregular

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#431885 - 04/20/13 06:53 PM " [Re: theIrregular]
lbcali1978 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/12
Posts: 217
"


Edited by lbcali1978 (04/29/13 12:34 AM)
_________________________
They said

Come home

I said

I'm confused and alone

They said

We understand

I found out they don't

I'll walk the path exactly how I've always done it

Alone

Top
#431900 - 04/20/13 10:42 PM Re: A 'Friend' [Re: concerned_husky]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 586
Originally Posted By: concerned_husky
Thanks lbcali. Never thought of it as DID before actually, will have to look into that. If it is, I guess integrating is the next step...

Husky


Don't jump too quickly to integration. If you guys are happy as is, no point removing that support just to fit into conventional frameworks. Integration is a good route for those who find themselves less fulfilled by being split, but in my case my life has been enriched by having a team.

Also, as far as whether or not it is DID . . . No one can diagnose you over a computer of course, but there is a difference between having another identity in your body and just having a system of self-support. A separate identity has his own motivations, own belief systems, and own likes and dislikes. He does not exist merely to make you feel better but also has his own emotional needs. A separate identity would not be able to lift you up all the time without having needs of his own that would have to be looked at.

What you have, Husky, sounds wonderful. To me (and again no one will be able to tell you definitively from across a computer screen), it sounds more like the self-love part of yourself manifesting itself. That's great and there's actually nothing dissociative about that. Dissociation is about part of yourself being somewhere else. This sounds more like just choosing to look at yourself with a different perspective.

There's nothing wrong with having DID. There's nothing wrong with not having it. I guess what I'm concerned about is understanding that solutions be geared toward actual problems. You don't need to integrate if its not causing you stress.

I have DID. Several of us have merged with others so our system is much smaller (edit: I should say simpler, "smaller" makes it seem like the merges made us weaker when they really made us stronger)than it used to be. But its really a case by case thing. And it is SO important to recognize the difference between a symbol and a person. A symbol represents something in your life, and sometimes it helps yo imagine yourself talking to that something. But a symbol does not grow by itself and has no meaning except what you give to it. It is ok to ignore a symbol for a while because it only is "alive" through the meaning you give.

Another person/identity may sleep for a long long time, but has its own needs and desires apart from you. He can be hurt by being neglected. If what you are talking to, Husky, is a representation of your own self-love -- cool, that's wonderful. If instead he is a separate identity, than you need to make sure that you are being a friend to him just as he is being a friend to you. Only you will know what that looks like, but its not fair to use somebody to make you feel better and then forget about them until you need them again.

And that's the big difference here which is why it is important to understand. Neither are bad, but they are very different. A symbol/representation is a tool to be picked up and put down as needed. A person/identity requires and deserves a two-way friendship.

Hope I'm not out of line here. I just know that my "friends inside my head" (one of many ways we refer to each other) have been hurt in the past by people who don't understand the difference between the two. I personally think DID is over-diagnosed so even though I have it I am always very careful to make sure people know its different from just having an internal dialog. This post ended up being much longer than I meant it to be so take what resonates with you and feel free to drop the rest.


Edited by Jacob S (04/20/13 10:44 PM)
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

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#431919 - 04/21/13 02:46 AM Re: A 'Friend' [Re: concerned_husky]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3296
Loc: back in the USA
husky -

i don't know if it is DID or not - but your friend sounds wonderful - exactly the kind of friend i'd love to have. and no need to be afraid of him - because i think he is YOU.

it sounds to me like all the best attributes that you value and haven't been able to find in others - you are cultivating them in your self. it is a good thing if you think of it that way. you have probly seen the friend as a separate "person" because you haven't been able to accept yourself in such a positive light. but remember - you called him a "friend" - so believe that he is on your side!

Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#431920 - 04/21/13 03:34 AM Re: A 'Friend' [Re: concerned_husky]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1466
Loc: New England
I had an "alter" for many years. He was the good me. The one I let the world see. The smart, successful guy who always did the right thing.

Then there was the bad me. The one I kept hidden. The victim of sexual abuse. The lying, cheating, drunken, hypersexual, unfaithful, mentally ill, thief. The guy who only cared about himself, and lived in fear that he'd be found out and hated.

I tortured myself over which was the real me. My T tells me that both are me and I just have to integrate them together to make peace between them. Confusing.

Jude
_________________________
"There must be some kind of way out of here,"
Said the joker to the thief,
There's too much confusion, I can't get no relief."
Jimi Hendrix

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#431947 - 04/21/13 01:42 PM Re: A 'Friend' [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 583
Thanks for the responses again, guys. It was a bit triggering for me as a lot of memories came rushing back...your responses and thoughts have really really helped. I've thought about and read into this a bit, and I've decided I *might* have a mild version of DID but that this friend I've created is probably a 'symbol' (to borrow your words, Jacob) more than a separate entity. Quite happy to have him around smile

Husky
_________________________
Husky

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#431960 - 04/21/13 03:20 PM Re: A 'Friend' [Re: concerned_husky]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 586
Originally Posted By: concerned_husky
Quite happy to have him around smile

Husky


That's wonderful.
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

Top
#432537 - 04/26/13 02:51 PM Re: A 'Friend' [Re: concerned_husky]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 312
Loc: NY
Hey, Husky.

I think it's interesting that you have this place to go to. Although I think it is a sign of health as well, in my case I have found it helpful to talk more in depth with someone about these kind of things.

Here's why: when I was in my late twenties, a voice started speaking to me. I took the voice to be that of a friend of mine who had died. I went to a psychic and it was all kind of downhill from there.

It has been many years since then, and now I realize that like Jacob said, it's more important to view the alter personality as a "symbol" of something. Yet finding out all of what it symbolizes can be difficult.

It has taken me a lot of work to put together what this dead friend meant to me and to work to understand the meaning of her life in my life. I had to go through so much difficulty and confusion for many years just to get to the place where I would make peace with the part of me that was "creating" her voice. There is a lot of pain in accepting what had come apart inside, but it is worth it to have more of me back in the driver's seat and have the peace of understanding myself better.

I also wanted you to know that I understand some of the pain around dependency. Although I am not actually dependent on my mother, it is definitely is something that comes up in our relationship. Some of it is in the past, but some of it is also in present family dynamics. While I understand your frustration in wanting your independence, I for one have found it helpful to get the entire picture--dependency and covert incest--before taking deliberate action to do anything on my own. The reason for this is that for us who have been in this kind of situation, the very thought of being independent can carry another negative connotation. In my case, it gives my mother one more reason to get turned on by me!!!!!! Yep, that's how it is. As awful as it sounds, I have found it helpful to go very slowly, step by step, so that I know what I am feeling at each point. That way I know more in my bones what it means to grow.

That's my two cents. Take it or leave it and I wish you the best in every case.

Focused
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#432663 - 04/27/13 06:59 PM Re: A 'Friend' [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 583
Focused, can relate to both points - about the 'friend', and issues with the mother.

A bit off-topic I guess, but my ex was well into this psychic, past-lives kind of thing and it did some real damage to my sense of logic...it took quite a lot of time to recover mentally for sure.

I can also understand what you mean about taking things slowly. I think you know from my post a few weeks earlier about 'forgiveness'...I had tried the karate-chop method trying to do things abruptly and it ended up being some sort of mental bombshell. The dependency and the covert incest - I think it's so difficult because it's after all the person who gave birth to you. It's just so crazy. There might be some sort of biological/genetic thing inside us that wants to love our parents unconditionally, but that I think also comes at the expense of emotional and mental health...recipes for a vicious cycle.
_________________________
Husky

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#433137 - 05/01/13 09:08 AM Re: A 'Friend' [Re: concerned_husky]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 312
Loc: NY
Originally Posted By: concerned_husky
There might be some sort of biological/genetic thing inside us that wants to love our parents unconditionally, but that I think also comes at the expense of emotional and mental health...recipes for a vicious cycle.


Husky:

Love that is unconditional is true love.

But unconditional does not mean annihilation of another. That is what I have finally admitted deep into my veins and bones. To look this kind of action in the face is to breathe into the hell of trauma and loss.

No mother wants their child to be damaged. But inadvertently they can set this into motion. I think it is loving to find a way back to zero, as the man leads the boy back to where he began and begins to undo the harm.

More like judo than karate....

Focused
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#433478 - 05/04/13 07:37 AM Re: A 'Friend' [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 583
"But unconditional does not mean annihilation of another. That is what I have finally admitted deep into my veins and bones. To look this kind of action in the face is to breathe into the hell of trauma and loss."

Thanks for your insight focusedbody, I can really relate to this. 'Annihilation' is a really great word to describe what's happened (...happening?).
_________________________
Husky

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