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#431655 - 04/18/13 11:06 AM I needed my daddy
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
It has been a good week so far. I made it a good week by staying inside my house, painting, hanging out, spending time with the big guy...Me. and living in my own little world.

But today I am emotionally tired again. It feels as if a brick is sitting on my heart and I am holding back a deluge of tears. I know from reading posts and feeling this before after days of "normalcy" that I shouldn't be surprised. I wish I could remember the exact forum and postings I read this morning, but I think they have triggered. Some in a good way, some in a sad way.

The first was from like 6 or so years ago. It was when the poster was a boy who was musically inclined and quite successful with it, becoming band captain, etc. His Dad was a coach and a man's man. I could feel the love he expressed for his dad, but also the longing that he wanted his dad to acknowledge his strengths. And how surprised he was at the age of 40, when his dad said something to the effect that, "You were a great football player... the fastest and the....".

I wanted my dad to acknowledge me in a positive way all through my growing up. I wanted him to say he was proud of me at some point in my life. He never did. I would love to hear it today. I won't. One of 7 who worked pretty dang hard to achieve a college degree. And then a master's. I wonder today if he was ever proud of me.

I wanted to be like the poster of that thread who said his dad was on the other side of the door and he knew his dad would make it stop. I wanted to tell my dad as well, who was not so far away. I need to believe he would have stopped it, but I didn't tell. And it didn't stop.

My dad died 35 years ago this month. I suppose thats why I am thinking of this and why the thread made such an impact. He died and without ever letting me hear he loved me and was proud of me. All he left me were the dominate memories of that fuckin leather razor strap and those negative names that sometimes return. Thanks, dad. I still love you, but I have decided I am angry. I am a good man, and you would have been proud of me. And your grandsons... mercy... two of the best.

I tell my own sons how proud I am of them at every opportunity I get. One is musically inclined, along with mechanically... the other is musically inclined, along with being the football player and the "safe" gun fanatic and the guys guy. And me... as dad... I am just me- not musically inclined. Loving my sons and their families. I paint my walls purple and blue. I create murals because I want and I can. And my sons love me and tell me often.

But I did need my daddy.

(oh, btw... in the region of the country where I grew up, it is most common to refer to your father as daddy... even as grown men. Have heard it all my life...)
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#431656 - 04/18/13 11:17 AM Re: I needed my daddy [Re: ThisMan]
csasurvivor1992 Offline


Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
what a great post. i am holding back tears for my own situation and now having read this, for yours too. i'm sitting in a coffee shop and don't want to be teary eyed here. but i am going to shed some tears for you.

it's complicated for me, my father was my abuser. but the issue of mourning that lost opportunity for love and encouragement, supportive and affirming words. it's hard. it's so very difficult.

about doing well only to have the emotional brick hit you... you're absolutely right. it's happened to me about three/four times now. doing well only to have that brick hit me. i get it. i hope you find the space to cry, i am sure it will help.

thank you for the post, it helped.
_________________________
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

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#431680 - 04/18/13 02:59 PM Re: I needed my daddy [Re: ThisMan]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
What immediately got my attention, TM, was the title of this thread. Triggering indeed. In a good way. And, though my story is completely different, the feeling was the same and, in a nod to our personal victories, we both ended up being able to practice our dreams despite the abuse.

Don't want to hijack the thread, so I'll keep it "short" (for me).

I was raised by adopted parents who divorced when I was very young, the mommybitch (as was the practice at the time) getting custody of me, moving me out of state. She was a selfish, self-absorbed, bitter woman (still is), determined to vilify Dad at every opportunity by taking it out on me and turning me into a tennis "star" like her, even as she burned thru marriage no. 2 within a year. There was physical, verbal and emotional abuse which, combined with her enabler hubby no. 3, delivered me as the perfect candidate for my high school guidance counselor perp.

I was permitted 2-3 visits a year with Dad and his second wife, a wonderful woman who, though she'd already raised a couple kids, treated me as one of her own. Dad, until the day he died in the mid-80s, always encouraged my interests in architecture, photography, media, etc. It made the mommybitch furious and I was, therefore, her emotional garbage can. Worse, she and no. 3 would engage in a tag team against me.

To the point of your post, TM. Right into my adolescent years - we're probably talking a ten-year span - I'd cry myself to sleep night after night because I needed...my dad!

I won't leave you hanging. It was the happiest ending that could be expected under the circumstances. When I was legally able, I got out from under the mommybitch and enjoyed over ten years reconnecting with Dad. (He'd also somewhat "adopted" a cousin of mine, encouraging him to get into recovery and who, today, is like a brother to me).

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#431684 - 04/18/13 05:57 PM Re: I needed my daddy [Re: ThisMan]
bass drummer Offline


Registered: 12/29/10
Posts: 27
Loc: new zealand
Hey all i look up to you all as i still dont no my father i had to make the first contact when i was 17 im now 23 when ever i get contact from him now he refurs to 23 years ago when mum and him split he keeps saying im not his and all the rest of the shit.

He is ment to be coming to nz in june but i still dont no if i want to meet him or not but i know how you guys feel with needing your farther coz i feel the same way but to me it is i just want a father
_________________________
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to live again

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#431692 - 04/18/13 08:40 PM Re: I needed my daddy [Re: ThisMan]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 285
Loc: MO
dear This,

Not my experience but I appreciate the way of looking at the needs we never had met by parents. As Jude says, "parents suck," not all parents just most.

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#431724 - 04/19/13 02:11 AM Re: I needed my daddy [Re: ThisMan]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
This... I'm sitting here, crying - for both of us. I can identify with so much of your post. I can't remember when I called my father "daddy", or even "dad". I don't know if I ever did. To me, now, he certainly isn't "dad".

I used to tell people my father died when I was 16. Sometimes I said 13. I was 13 when he went to prison. I never lived with him again. I was 16 when I got in trouble myself, and he actually took the time to write to me from prison just to tell me he didn't consider me his son any more. If I hated him so much, why does his disowning me still hurt so badly?

I needed my daddy too... frown
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#431725 - 04/19/13 03:46 AM Re: I needed my daddy [Re: genedebs]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1523
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: genedebs
....As Jude says, "parents suck," not all parents just most.

Did I say that? I don't think so. Maybe I said MY parents suck.

My "daddy" was a drunk who ignored his children except to criticize us. He would disappear for weeks at a time. Mom said he's "away on business". Ha! He didn't come to my high school or college graduations, didn't come to my wedding, never met most of his grandchildren. I spent years trying to please him, practicaly begging for some positive affirmation: "good job son, I'm proud of you". Never happened. Finally I had the sense to give up.

Yeah, I needed my "Daddy", but the one I was given wasn't available. No wonder I sought love and acceptance from someone else.

Jude
_________________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down.
Tom Petty

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#431726 - 04/19/13 03:52 AM Re: I needed my daddy [Re: ThisMan]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Gentlemen, thanks for leaving the words. Here it is, 3:20 am or so and again I can't sleep. So I decided to check in. Crazy and Bass, your stories break my heart. I can't imagine being told I wasn't a dad's son. Trust me, I cried with you. And guys, if having your father physically and emotionally abuse and the son still has moments of struggling with that at my age, I just can't imagine adding the sexual abuse to the mix. Crazy, Survivor I am just so terribly sorry. And Lancer, 10 years of crying yourself to sleep because of the pain and longing? I am sorry and I can relate to that one for certain. Congratulations to that mommybitch for being so fucking successful as a mom. So glad you finally got to go to your dad.

And sometimes parents suck. And sometimes parents are just simply abusers, gene. But when they both suck and abuse, you turn out like us.

I talked about my Dad in T today. The big revelation was that there was no "big revelation". I was already aware of his meanness, his drinking, his use of the double belts. And the fact that there was another brother that didn't belong to the family. Sad indeed for him... and probably us, his siblings, because we never were permitted to know him.

My mother worked very hard to do her part both in the home and out. She was a factory worker, sewing factory, before all the factories were shipped to Latin America in the first wave of outsourcing. My dad worked odd jobs, meaning he loafed around a lot. Lots of free time. Mom had a sitter for us. Guess who turns up pregnant?? lol... that's right. Sitter girl does... and guess who is sued for paternity ??? That's right. My father was.

The court awarded the paternity to my dad, who in turn denied the child was his. I had to ride the fuckin school bus with the poor boy who was denied. You guys have reminded me of his pain and rejection. You know, he was the exact image of my younger brother. And I wonder if, at sometime, I should look him up and just talk with him. I really would like to see how he is and how life has been. Maybe this summer I might do that. Maybe not.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#431766 - 04/19/13 01:50 PM Re: I needed my daddy [Re: ThisMan]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 10:59 PM)

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#431798 - 04/19/13 08:07 PM Re: I needed my daddy [Re: ThisMan]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1104
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: ThisMan
It has been a good week so far. I made it a good week by staying inside my house, painting, hanging out, spending time with the big guy...Me. and living in my own little world.


Sounds like my kind of week, only I don't paint. I am most at peace when I am alone and living in my own little world, like right now. Can't get enough of it.

Originally Posted By: ThisMan
I wanted my dad to acknowledge me in a positive way all through my growing up. I wanted him to say he was proud of me at some point in my life. He never did. I would love to hear it today. I won't. One of 7 who worked pretty dang hard to achieve a college degree. And then a master's. I wonder today if he was ever proud of me.


I know it hurts that you never heard those words or got that approval from your father but I hope you know, deep down, that it doesn't matter. If you never heard those words or got that approval from him, it means something was wrong with him, not with you. Your father's outwardly expressed approval of you or lack there of, shouldn't and doesn't define your worth. Not one iota.

Originally Posted By: ThisMan
I tell my own sons how proud I am of them at every opportunity I get. One is musically inclined, along with mechanically... the other is musically inclined, along with being the football player and the "safe" gun fanatic and the guys guy. And me... as dad... I am just me- not musically inclined. Loving my sons and their families. I paint my walls purple and blue. I create murals because I want and I can. And my sons love me and tell me often.


Which makes you a better father than your own by light years. From where I'm sitting, that makes your father's lack of approval all the more insignificant. The way I see it, if your father never gave you his love and approval, it was not because you weren't worthy of it, it's because he wasn't worthy of giving it to you. You were and are a better man than him. Rise above, brother, rise above. Peace,

Ken

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#431827 - 04/20/13 02:19 AM Re: I needed my daddy [Re: ThisMan]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3391
Loc: somewhere in Africa
me too. My real father died just before I turned 3. Mom married the step-dad when I was 5 ½. They asked me if I wanted a new daddy and I said yes. I should have said no. not that it would have made any difference. It didn’t turn out like I expected. He was verbally, physically and sekually abusive.

I have heard the saying that anyone can be a father but it takes someone special to be a dad. I had to reverse that because of my own history and the associations with the two terms.

The way I have referred to mom’s second husband has changed over the years. When I was a kid – from the day he married mom, when I was 5 ½ - I HAD to call him “daddy.” That changed when I was about 13 and I started to call him “dad” – because I didn’t live in the south, bill! That lasted up through the time I started therapy the first time in my mid 30s – I started referring to him “my stepfather” – I rarely saw him in person by that time and didn’t address him directly if I could help it. More recently – I guess since shortly before I started this round of therapy less than 2 years ago – I started to call him “THE step-father.” I didn’t want to own any kind of personal connection – especially a possessive one. Now it is usually “the step-dad.” I reserve the word “Father” for my real, blood father.

So I don’t say I needed my daddy – I say I needed my Father – but I definitely know the feeling. It has been a deep aching black hole in my life for as long as I can remember. And the difference between what should have been – and the real-life experience with the step-dad – was such a stark and blatant mockery of what fatherhood means – that it is obscene to use either of those words in connection with him.

When I got past age 27 – the age at which my Father died – it was such a strange feeling – to be older than my father had ever been. Now my son is past that age – another weird feeling. It used to be that I couldn’t even stand to look at photos of my Father – it just hurt too much. There have been some very surreal moments – my grandparents (who I rarely saw) used to slip and call me by his name, though our names were not the same. Once I found a document that I couldn’t remember writing – it turned out that my father had written it – and my handwriting looked just like his – though I had never seen it before. I found an insurance form he had filled in and our heights and weights were the same.

The only way I was even able to think of trying to be a father myself was to try to do everything the exact opposite of what the step-dad did.

But – yeah, the deep hurt is still there.
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#431831 - 04/20/13 04:17 AM Re: I needed my daddy [Re: ThisMan]
GT13568 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 129
Loc: California
Hi ThisMan, 

I needed my daddy, too - or my "dad" in my SoCal home. I mean I had him, my parents stayed married, but he started to sexually abuse me - and otherwise ignore, punish, and humiliate me - when I was real small. There was no chance of praise or positive reinforcement in my family, nor any chance of learning anything good from him.

I wish I had a man for a father. In the best light, my dad was sad and messed up. In the worst light he was a monster.

I wonder sometimes if I love him. I don't know. I don't know what that love would be like. Even though he is long dead - by his own hand, and without ever saying a word about what he did to me - I'm still afraid of him, and ashamed of what I did for him. When I dream about him I feel angry and sad and powerless and trapped.

Powerlessness is the worst. Back then, all I could do was freeze and disappear inside myself and take his abuse. There was no fighting back. It was like a bargain we had - he and my mom put me in the hospital for "brain treatments" (whatever that was) when I fought back when I was four. It could always happen again, that was made clear. Similar hospitalizations did happen again.

So yeah, I needed a dad. Sometimes I found one then, and sometimes I still do; in friends, in my partner, in strangers who I see doing kind and honorable things. 

And, (-: sometimes I find a dad in myself. I guess he's the real one.

Thanks for posting this, and thanks to the men who so beautifully and powerfully shared.

Geoff
_________________________
I won the moment he hurt me, because he poisoned his soul, and I did not poison mine. I did not hurt anyone. He did. He was the perp. He tried to make me into a victim, but I became a survivor. Yes.

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