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#431618 - 04/17/13 11:20 PM Going for the Jugular
csasurvivor1992 Offline


Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
Seriously?! Seriously?! SERIOUSLY?!

I try to be open and transparent about my feelings, what's going on, and the history of my struggles. How they relate to the present and everything. And my wife CONTINUES to call me out on shit from years ago. I am JUST NOW building my confidence and self-worth, self-esteem and vision for my life after falsely believing that anything was wrong with me and all she does is continue to support the notion that something WAS wrong with me.

I tried to explain to her it's like taking someone's deepest fear about themselves and exploiting it, like if I were to call her fat. It would validate her deepest fear and make her feel awful. When she says things like "I feel like you can't handle the present and put things off until you're ready to deal with them" I get so angry because I believe that I should be able to handle the present and like I have done something wrong.

Fuck that. I've done my best. I get so frustrated when those closest to me don't FUCKING UNDERSTAND THE STRUGGLE. You try getting sodomized by your father and see how that makes you feel, jerk. Leave my freaking jugular alone!!! I am alive and I deserve to be.
_________________________
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

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#431626 - 04/18/13 12:59 AM Re: Going for the Jugular [Re: csasurvivor1992]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 10:57 PM)

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#431631 - 04/18/13 01:59 AM " [Re: csasurvivor1992]
lbcali1978 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/12
Posts: 217
"


Edited by lbcali1978 (04/29/13 12:24 AM)
_________________________
They said

Come home

I said

I'm confused and alone

They said

We understand

I found out they don't

I'll walk the path exactly how I've always done it

Alone

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#431632 - 04/18/13 02:28 AM Re: Going for the Jugular [Re: csasurvivor1992]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 327
Loc: Iowa, USA
One of the most evil attributes of humans is that they have an ability to identify and hone in on others' weaknesses and exploit that mercilessly in order to cause extreme pain. Even young kids in elementary school are able use the most awful names to tease their classmates. For some people it's being called "fat", for others it might be "nerd" or "trailer park trash". Each of us has a name we wish never to be called . Many of these words are now unspeakable in public settings, but that doesn't stop people from using them, often in our own homes, and unfortunately by the ones we love. Words like the N-word, the C-word or the F-word ( not the f-bomb) cause horrendous hurt. Unfortunately, for men in our situation, the thing that hurts the most is our CSA or ASA. When we are attacked using some of the most vile terms ever coined, the damage is severe, and at times irreparable. This is why we must treat each other kindly. This is also why we cannot be silent on the issue of male SA. The wounds of abuse are awful. When they are repeatedly opened by words hurled by others in fits of anger, rage or retribution, these wounds may never heal, leaving us forever damaged. We must change this. We need to let others know of the damage of SA and how words magnify the damage. It's hard to wrap all this up, other than hope that love and goodness prevail over evil

DavO

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#431658 - 04/18/13 11:27 AM Re: Going for the Jugular [Re: csasurvivor1992]
csasurvivor1992 Offline


Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
thank you guys for posting, it helps. just knowing i'm in a community of like-experienced men where I don't have to prove myself helps. that you would take time to help me, validates that. thank you so much.

i was very upset last night and as i journaled this morning, i discovered it wasn't even my wife which caused that issue. she fanned the flames, but the fire started elsewhere and i can deal with that now.

thank you men for being here. for having enough courage to share in some of the most painful steps of recovery. for having enough courage to deal with this yourselves.
_________________________
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

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#431698 - 04/18/13 09:16 PM " [Re: csasurvivor1992]
lbcali1978 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/12
Posts: 217
"


Edited by lbcali1978 (04/29/13 12:24 AM)
_________________________
They said

Come home

I said

I'm confused and alone

They said

We understand

I found out they don't

I'll walk the path exactly how I've always done it

Alone

Top
#431712 - 04/18/13 11:35 PM Re: Going for the Jugular [Re: csasurvivor1992]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Its a very good thing that you made the connection with the actual trigger. I have reacted to the secondary issue so many times throughout the years, only to realize later- sometimes much later- that the actual trigger was something else. How I wish we all could avoid fanning the flames, like your wife did, but it seems to be the nature of man, doesn't it?

"I tried to explain to her it's like taking someone's deepest fear about themselves and exploiting it..."

That's actually a great weapon for "fighting to win". It isn't fair to you, regardless of the actual trigger. Sort of sounds like your wife is fighting to win, not to find a resolution. Continue to remind her how deep the hurt goes when she walks back in time to pick up the past and hurl it into the present.

A person can take back most of what they give to another, but they can never take back the words. Ever.

And there is nothing wrong with you. I wonder if she feels somehow threatened as you evolve into someone else as you build your self-confidence, worth, esteem and especially your vision for your life. Man, those are power words of evolvement and I can bet they are showing through in your everyday life as well. Pretty exciting... and not saying they are, but they can be pretty unsettling for the other in a relationship. You are changing. Is she changing with you?
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#431768 - 04/19/13 01:55 PM Re: Going for the Jugular [Re: csasurvivor1992]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 11:00 PM)

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