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#431465 - 04/16/13 05:34 PM Into the darkness
CloudyFalls Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/12
Posts: 168
Loc: Ohio
Self Hatred...

Last Sunday I was out at the bar with my friends, and idk wtf I was thinking, but something triggered me, and for some reason I got into my head I was just going to fuck myself up. I really don't know why I decided I was going to, but I did. I drank and I drank and I drank, I wasn't even thinking, and I ended up blacking out. I remember leaving the bar and stumbling to the car. The next thing I can remember is getting to the house (apparently we stopped on the side of the road so I could throw up) but I was sitting on the steps to his house and I think I remember crying. I guess I was out there for awhile, and I guess nobody saw me crying, but then the next thing I remember was sitting in front of the toilet puking. I wish I could remember what I was saying, but I remember beating myself up, calling myself an idiot. All I know is I really fucked up. I don't even know why or how I got that way, and that's the part that scares me. The only good thing I remember is my potential boyfriend was there taking care of me. Just looking up seeing him standing there, talking to me. I felt safe again. But also hating myself for being so stupid and having to have him take care of a drunk. I had planned to tell him how I felt about him that weekend, and I did a pretty bad job of it... I ended up telling him the next morning, thinking it'd be easy, I woke up before him and was watching him sleep. When he finally woke up, my nerves got me. But I built up the courage to tell him, I could see it in his face he knew what I was going to say and I could feel that he already had his answer. So I said I kinda wanted to talk to you about something, and I struggled to get it out so he said just blurt it out. So I said well, I like you. And he said I agree, I laughed and said, oh so you like yourself too huh? And he was like no I like you too. And it wasn't as graceful or romantic as I'd have liked it to have been but now we're at least on the same page...

But I'm just worried where to go now, the guy Kyle is my abuser's ex. It's quite ironic that I ended up with him, but I'd always had a crush on him, and we've known each other for 5 years, and he was around while the abuse was still happening. It's just close to the abuse, I'm just worried my problems will bleed over somehow. For example, I can't help but think about revenge. I can't help but feel good when I think about how my abuser will feel when he finds out I'm now dating his ex. I'm sure he'll be pissed, even more so because I'm the one that broke them up. But I shouldn't be bringing those kinds of thoughts into this relationship, I think it's just gotta be unhealthy. But anyways more about;

Self Hatred...

One particular thing I hate myself for is something horrible I did. It was the morning of my Grandma's funeral (My grandma was the world to me...) And I had to sleep in the basement with my cousin. I woke up and almost out of dread, I figured I'd just have sex with him before he did with me. I waited for hours to make sure I could get away with it, my parents and family were over getting ready but he slept until like 1pm. I laid there for hours in dread until I finally pulled his pants down and started sucking him off. Then I got on top of him and let him fuck me, or rather I fucked him, he just sat there as I went at it. He came inside of me and I got off of him and masturbated next to him while his pants were still down. I did this... On the morning of my grandma's funeral. I went to the funeral with part of him inside of me, I felt disgusting. This is one of the most sickening things, and I don't think I've ever really talked about it before, but I hate myself for it. It was disrespectful to my grandma, it was degrading to myself, and it was just wrong. I don't know how I'll ever forgive myself. There's many things I don't feel like I can forgive myself for, so I harbor this hate inside of me, for me.
_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

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#431472 - 04/16/13 06:18 PM Re: Into the darkness [Re: CloudyFalls]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1038

Cloudy,

A thought: I've been in a not-too-dissimilar situation in the past. It's possible what triggered your over-drinking is a part of you that wanted to sabotage the relationship with this other person because that part of you was afraid you were getting too close. That you might have feelings for this other person, and then get hurt.

So instead of letting you get yourself hurt, a part of you sabotaged the date by making you drink too much, which caused you to act the fool.

If that sounds right, then it could be just a defense mechanism that's gone haywire. It's trying to protect you from getting hurt again, but it's not playing nice with you. Maybe you can talk to that part of you and tell him that it's OK now, that you're grown up now, that it's OK to risk getting hurt again, if there's a chance to meet someone nice.

((( Cloudy )))

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#431474 - 04/16/13 06:33 PM Re: Into the darkness [Re: CloudyFalls]
lukedamien Offline


Registered: 04/05/13
Posts: 68
I'm glad you and your friend like each other. I really hope you guys go far. I can't forgive me either. Maybe everybody has that problem and never talk about it. To be human is to err. It's only logical that everyone has something they cannot forgive themselves for, unless they're a psychopath

Sorry about it being your grandmoms funeral day though. But it's understandable that you did it. With my stepdad, there were times I'd just go to him and do it before he had the chance. Usually, like with the pain of your lost, it was because of some pain that I did it. Maybe you never thought of it that way. But if it was the only way you knew to deal with the pain. What would you need to be forgiven for.

Obviously it was learned behavior to begin with. Like me, in anguish of heart, I'd go to fuck around with my stepdad. But if I wasn't violated it wouldn't have been a method to cope with.


Edited by lukedamien (04/16/13 06:39 PM)

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