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#431405 - 04/16/13 06:54 AM a
lbcali1978 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/12
Posts: 217
A


Edited by lbcali1978 (04/16/13 07:37 PM)
Edit Reason: posted in wrong forum
_________________________
They said

Come home

I said

I'm confused and alone

They said

We understand

I found out they don't

I'll walk the path exactly how I've always done it

Alone

Top
#431406 - 04/16/13 07:09 AM Re: Abusive Relationships [Re: lbcali1978]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
lbcali, I get it. I've been there. Not that you'll listen to me - I get that, too - but it took me three years to get out. I'm very glad to hear you have a T.

A lot of things were going on that made it "okay". For one, his was a very similar personality to my adopted bitchmother. And, since my frame of reference included abuse, it was familiar and "comfortable". Certain types, as you called them, in my case were guys who were respectful, emotionally available, etc., and I felt I couldn't begin to imagine what they'd ever see in me. Hell, "normal" was an unknown and scary!

Want to remain "friends" with him? Never worked for me. He'd always be able to hook me back in.

As I heard a lot in Al-Anon meetings, I'd make changes when I got sick and tired of being sick and tired.


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#431407 - 04/16/13 07:22 AM " [Re: Lancer]
lbcali1978 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/12
Posts: 217
"


Edited by lbcali1978 (04/29/13 12:10 AM)
_________________________
They said

Come home

I said

I'm confused and alone

They said

We understand

I found out they don't

I'll walk the path exactly how I've always done it

Alone

Top
#431428 - 04/16/13 11:12 AM Re: Abusive Relationships [Re: lbcali1978]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Ibcali, I also get it. Like Lancer, I pretended it was okay. It wasn't. It starts slowly, the verbal, and just continued to escalate. It is the most regretful few years of my life. Embarrassing. Humiliating. Abusive on all levels. I still am in disbelief that it happened. And the scars remain. I took no one's advice because I was to embarrassed to tell anyone what was happening. And what did happen... for me, I waited too long.... Follow your instincts. Please.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#431437 - 04/16/13 12:01 PM Re: Abusive Relationships [Re: lbcali1978]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1491
Quote:
But I think part of me feels like I deserve what he does too.

Last month I wrote something similar. It was a response to someone questioning why they felt the pull to re-enact the abuse. My discovery in journeying through this is that the re-enactment does not stop in the sexual theater but continues through all aspects of our lives. I read your post and it seems to make the point all over again - that we seek to recreate the whole power gradient, as if something isn't quite right if we are not being abused emotionally, professionally, perhaps even physically or sexually.

I think in my case, the dynamic was particularly strong. I despised my abuser so much (I watched him abuse others - including my sister), it made it much easier for me to embrace the "victim" end of the spectrum. I'd rather be a victim a hundred thousand times than be a perp once. And at that young age, I suppose things can pretty much be that black and white.

Wish I had answers, suggestions, antidotes - all I have is my experience to share. For me, I have found that it's enough to look deeply and honestly at the situation - to just know why.
_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#431451 - 04/16/13 03:27 PM Re: Abusive Relationships [Re: lbcali1978]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: lbcali1978
But every once in a while he will hit me if he's real uptight.


lbcali, looking back at my OP, I got so wrapped up in the overall pic, I neglected the above. HITTING IS NOT OK. Aside from the verbal, etc., this is the one that has me really concerned for you.

fwiw, I'd encourage you to do whatever you need to do - this is going to sound like a big step and it is - to immediately put an end to the physical danger. I hope you've shared this information with your T. You can involve the police (assuming you're in a town which respects gay people as equally as anyone else) and, with that, obtain a restraining order (which, yes, I've done in my history). If you need help or encouragement to do it, there are likely community resources to assist you.

Again, I can't emphasize enough I'm concerned for your physical well-being. "Oh, it's not that bad" is not an excuse. Yes, dear brother, it's breaking out of your comfort zone. But you don't have to do this alone.

Speaking of schadenfreude, it was immensely satisfying to be seated in the courtroom and hear the judge sternly admonish the bully, "This is my courtroom and you do not interrupt me again. Do you understand sir?" This "tough guy" then sat quietly during the rest of the hearing, head down, never making eye contact. Nor did his attorney permit him to testify because he'd have to tell the truth. All the judge had was my testimony which he called "detailed" and "consistent". When the restraining order was granted the judge added, "Do you understand that if you violate the restraining order I will put you in jail for a year?"

I'll echo ThisMan: "I took no one's advice because I was to embarrassed to tell anyone what was happening. And what did happen... for me, I waited too long.... Follow your instincts. Please."

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#431453 - 04/16/13 03:37 PM Re: Abusive Relationships [Re: lbcali1978]
lukedamien Offline


Registered: 04/05/13
Posts: 68
mad

Next time he comes over, put What's Love Got to Do With it on the blu ray player and watch the movie together Ward.

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#431469 - 04/16/13 05:54 PM Re: Abusive Relationships [Re: Lancer]
lukedamien Offline


Registered: 04/05/13
Posts: 68
Sending a pm.

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#431479 - 04/16/13 07:35 PM " [Re: Lancer]
lbcali1978 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/12
Posts: 217
"


Edited by lbcali1978 (04/29/13 12:11 AM)
_________________________
They said

Come home

I said

I'm confused and alone

They said

We understand

I found out they don't

I'll walk the path exactly how I've always done it

Alone

Top


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