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#431425 - 04/16/13 10:39 AM Re: HOW!?! [Re: Magellan]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
I too am learning on this as well. I choose on purpose to avoid most of the spiritual material I see on the book-shelf. I find most of them to be....well, not so helpful to ME. (With the one exception of "The Four Agreements" by Ruiz.)

If we were accepting of the pain and trauma, and loneliness, then we wouldn't be here. I do not want to be accepting and loving and forgiving of the abuse. I do want to be able to say, "So what? You no longer have control over me. And if you cross the boundary line again, you will be different when you return to your side of life." That's what I want to say. Calmly, with conviction and control.

As far as a god is concerned, that is such a personal belief. I had well-meaning friends who asked me when the spouse died and I withdrew on all levels, "Well, are you angry with God?". Duh?, I silently said. Or, one of my favorites, "It's all in God's plan." God's plan? Four year old children experiencing sex. Nope. Not the God of love and creation. God's plan that the sexed boy finally met someone who valued him as something special on earth, and He takes her away. Surely not something so cruel would come from God. And two days later, his black lab dies! Oh golly.

If He is there, he can handle my confusion and my anger. So I am akin to Jeff on the anger part. And I also have raised my children to believe in God, as they will their children, I hope.

As far as questioning whether the divine does exist or not, I have no doubt on that. I visually saw the divine spirits- and nope- no drugs, no alcohol, no eating of the lawn grass. I was coherent and present in mind, body, and spirit. Can I define what I have seen and experienced- the spiritual energy I encountered- nope. Do I have to? Nope. Does this experience define the rest of my life?- YEP. It is a calming force for me. But it doesn't take away the despair that creeps in because of the abuse.

All that said, I have gotten to the point in life that I finally realized that I am as educated and intelligent (almost) as the vast majority of the world's population. On most days, my life's experiences give me an APPRECIATION of the world other's I see daily may not have. Also a pain, an understanding, if you will. But since we won't get another chance to love life, I am choosing- along with you guys- to work my way through this STUFF and continue to learn and grow and love.

And I hope one day I will again encounter the spiritual beings I was so privileged to have encountered before. Thanks, Magellan, for letting me take a moment to think about acceptance. I feel better.

b






Edited by ThisMan (04/16/13 11:00 AM)
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#431432 - 04/16/13 11:33 AM Re: HOW!?! [Re: Magellan]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 336
Loc: Iowa, USA
There are many great ideas on this post. I wish to offer my opinions. The only way I have been able to make through the last 30 years is through my faith, which is somewhat ironic seeing that it was a priest that first abused me. It would have been easy for me to abandon my faith. I fully understand why people get angry at God. I don't blame them and don't begrudge them in any way. I don't believe that it is God's plan to see young children abused. On the contrary, I believe it angers him and he will unleash his wrath on those abusers in the next life. God has granted us free will, and has given us guidance on how to use it for the benefit of all. Unfortunately, there are many who embrace evil and use their free will in the most horrific manner. Those of us here can attest to this. I don't believe that we deserve our abuse, and God hasn't abandoned us either. I believe that if God wanted, he could stop the abuse, but if he did, he would not be showing love, for he would be choosing one person over another to be saved. This would be abandonment of those he didn't save. Instead, God has offered us salvation through Christ. Our Holy Father allowed his own son to be tortured and killed, but through his resurrection, Christ has shown that we can overcome evil. For me to believe this is what keeps me going. Through it all, though, there are examples of love and goodness. I think of the support I've received from the guys here at MS. The men I've met here I consider very good friends. My T has also been a wonderful ally and a source of healing. My parents have also given me their support. These examples of love are much stronger than the abuse and have aided my healing I believe that we don't have to love what happened to us, but we do get to love the idea of salvation and redemption. I don't want this to come across as preaching, and I'm not trying to impose my beliefs on anyone else. I'm just explaining how I make sense of the world and what happened to me, plus saying how I make it through every day. Each of us is on his own journey for healing, but, more importantly, we all have to figure out and decide how to live each day. Take care, DavO

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#431434 - 04/16/13 11:44 AM Re: HOW!?! [Re: Magellan]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1485
Originally Posted By: Magellan
This anger is going to destroy me

I believe that is the greatest truth spoken in this thread.
_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#431455 - 04/16/13 03:59 PM Re: HOW!?! [Re: Magellan]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1248
Loc: New York
Hey Can't, I am at home here at MS and I feel the love and every one here is my brother. I never had that before I came here, I thank you all.

Hey BG, my grandmother used to try and fatten me up but it didn't work. I am also a fucked up ex prostitute. Were you the other kid I saw in the park smile. Just stay off my corner and I'll stay off yours smile. but seriously I'm impressed the way you think about your disabilities. I try and look at my shit but I haven't gotten to that level just yet.

Hey Magellan, I was in the city this past monday and I was walking around the village looking in the windows and stuff before my T appointment and some young woman in an electric wheelchair passes me. I catch up to her by the next corner waiting for the light to change. She is all deformed and hunched over and frozen in her position in the wheelchair. It seems she can just barely use her joystick to make the chair go. She had a book bag on the back of her chair so I knew she was a NYU college student at least. Someone has to give her the books, I imagine there has to be someone to dress her, feed her and change her cloths etc. That hit me very hard. This woman will never get out of her wheelchair and it made me think about my shit. I would never want to be in her shape but yet she goes to college. Simply amazing. If she can do that then there is hope for me and and others to live with their disabilities, mine being csa. As I went my way still looking in the windows I kept thinking about her and her fortitude. We have to learn to cope with our shit and put it into perspective. It makes me look at myself much differently now.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#431460 - 04/16/13 04:18 PM Re: HOW!?! [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1437
Loc: California
Yes, when I see people who have similar disabilities that I have, or when I see someone who is obviously suffering a more severe disability, I feel sorry for them.

And I simply cannot comprehend how someone who has severe disability can be happy. I don't understand it. i wish I could, but I don't. I wish I could be that way, but I'm unable to. I've tried and tried. I have no idea how to love being disabled.

I just realized what an ugly person I am - disabled and angry for being disabled. Of course no one wants to be around me. Who wants to be around such horribly negative and ugly energy?

Ugly ugly ugly.

I've suffered too much; I've tried to change everything I can, and I can't bring myself to accept the ugly life and reality I have been forced to live, in spite of all my "recovery" efforts.

I'm disabled and angry about being disabled. What ugliness.
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If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.

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#431461 - 04/16/13 04:35 PM Re: HOW!?! [Re: Magellan]
lukedamien Offline


Registered: 04/05/13
Posts: 68
frown

Gosh maybe this state is like aa state to accept what we cannot change. And to know the difference.




Edited by lukedamien (04/16/13 05:12 PM)

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#431464 - 04/16/13 05:18 PM Re: HOW!?! [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1437
Loc: California
That's my point. I can't accept this, no matter how hard I try.

The pain and grief, and the pain and grief that continues BECAUSE I am disabled. It just goes and goes.

I just can't accept it. And I'm angry. And I know how ugly this makes me appear to others.

It's like telling someone "Yeah, too bad. You had to eat shit. But you know? Just accept it. Stop being angry that you had to eat shit for so long and have to continue eating shit for the rest of your life. Just accept it."

Whatever.
_________________________
If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.

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#431467 - 04/16/13 05:36 PM Re: HOW!?! [Re: Magellan]
lukedamien Offline


Registered: 04/05/13
Posts: 68
Did you happen to read my other reply that I got rid of? At first I was very angry and lashed out at that quote. But I realized it was just another way of expressing the aa quote. I totally agree with you though. These dudes expect us to just let it go. And move on. They don't know what it's like.

Fuck them. It must be so fucking great to be so fucking perfect.

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#431468 - 04/16/13 05:53 PM Re: HOW!?! [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1437
Loc: California
Yeah, I read it. Didn't bother me. Everyone has a right to react to whatever they need to.

I dropped out of AA because of the arrogance of many of the people in that room when I kept talking about my anger issues regarding preceding conditions to my starting to drink. Drinking was not the problem, but they kept insisting that that WAS the problem.

Nonsense.

I'm angry that I was born with two disabilities and angry that my parents never taught me how to love myself and accept my disabilities, and angry that after 18 years of therapy, I'm still struggling with this profound life issue.

Now I can see how UGLY this makes me. I need to let go of this anger but I have no idea how.

It's no wonder why no one wants to date me. I'm ugly as fuck inside.
_________________________
If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.

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#431475 - 04/16/13 06:38 PM Re: HOW!?! [Re: Magellan]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1248
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: Magellan
And I simply cannot comprehend how someone who has severe disability can be happy. I don't understand it. i wish I could, but I don't. I wish I could be that way, but I'm unable to. I've tried and tried. I have no idea how to love being disabled.

I don't think you mean love being disabled but rather you mean that they are able to even cope with such bad disability like that woman that I saw in that wheelchair.

I feel csa is also a disability just as and IDE is a disability of the mind and body, csa is mainly a disability of the mind. Of course guys get diseases that they wouldn't have gotten if they weren't abused but I think that we are able to cope better with physical aftereffects better than mental aftereffects. That's just my observation but I see that a lot.

As for anyone here at MS I think that nobody would back off from you. I think that since we share the abuses that the regular world can't imagine we are better at handling things you say are not handleable. I guarantee you that I would not flinch. I also saw a young woman pushing a baby carriage yesterday that her face was burnt away. It was all scar tissue. It looked bad. I had to do a double take because I had to make sure of what I thought I saw. And she just walked down the street not hiding her looks at all. That event also hurt me. I still feel for both those people but I saw a strength in them that I do not yet possess.

I don't have any answers but I wish I had the magic to fix it frown.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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