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#430716 - 04/10/13 03:19 AM Justice
jj3677 Offline


Registered: 04/09/13
Posts: 7
Hi everyone, I was abused by an older woman when I was 15, after 16 years I finally decided I was sick of living with what she did to me and reported her.

The court process is still at the committal stage but I've been told she is negotiating with the prosecution team to plead guilty to two count of sex with a minor.

I really want her to serve jail time, I've lived with the affects of the "relationship" for too long while she laughs and me and goes about her pathetic existence, I'm working on a victim impact statement and was hoping to get an idea of whether I am on the right track?

Here goes, I've removed names since this is still at court.

Victim Impact Statement

I’ve never written a victim impact statement before, it’s supposed to focus purely on the crime committed but to focus purely on that would not let people know how what Wendy did really affected me.

Before the offence occurred I was a relatively normal 15 year old who hung out with friends, played computers games, rode my bike and watched cartoons.

The events that occurred the morning of 17th October 1997 should never have happened, within a month I was addicted to Marijuana, had drunk Alcohol several times and was living with a woman who I thought was protecting me from her friends and family who were now threatening to hurt me or blaming me for being with her, I had no idea what I was doing, I knew it was wrong but the more I was threatened by people the more fear I felt of them coming after me that I stayed because I thought this woman was protecting me.

I was told several disturbing things from others and from this woman which indicated she was trying to get pregnant such as “she said she wants to have another baby at any cost” and her herself telling me she won’t get pregnant but not wanting to use any type of protection and asking me while drunk if I want to have another child I trusted her because she was an adult and as far as I was concerned adults didn’t lie and hurt people. I spent several months barricading myself in bedrooms or sheds and running away from the house so that her ex or his brother couldn’t smash my head in which was a constant fear and was threatened every time I saw them.

I can’t describe how or why I stayed with this woman for as long as I did, I tried to leave but was too weak, I couldn’t go without Marijuana for more than half a day and if I did go longer she would get me back onto it, she convinced me we were sole mates and were meant to be together and I believed her. Before long I didn’t think anyone would want me because of the disgusting things I had done with her, I was also made to believe that girls my age were not worth it, they were all disgusting with diseases and only wanted to steal me from her after which they wouldn’t want me, this woman went as far as threatening a girl I was getting close to claiming I was “her man” and to stay away. Her family and friends always seemed to blame me for what happened saying that it takes two to tango or threatening me that I’d better not hurt her in any way. I was a joke, at family gatherings I was the baby sitter while all the adults sat around talking to each other, I was told that they don’t like me being with her and that I had to earn their respect like my very presence offended them. Once she became pregnant my fate seemed sealed, I had to stay because it was the right thing to do.

One by one my friends left, some because I started getting angry all the time and would lash out at people while drunk or stoned, or they simply didn’t want to hang around someone who was living with an old woman and spending all their time getting stoned to escape reality, I suffered never ending bouts of depression and thought the only way out was to kill myself, she would just tell me I was a sook and turn her music up, I went as far as to try hanging myself with a rope which wasn’t high enough off the ground, she thought it was hilarious.

I have never gotten over what she did to me and it affects me more and more every day, I cannot talk to counselors about it because they simply do not understand, nobody understands the affect this can have on a male, like female victims I feel something was stolen from me, I feel I was used and I blame myself because I wanted it to happen, I was not old enough to comprehend what I was doing but she was, she knew exactly what she was doing and shouldn’t have had sex with me once let alone continue on and call it a relationship.

I feel overwhelming regret and anger over the fact that the experience of my first child being born was one of extreme embarrassment and confusion, from being told to run home to mummy if I don’t want a child to the nurse walking out after asking “whose this boy?” and being told “he’s the father”.
Today I can’t look at photos of this woman or her friends and family without feeling sick, hearing her voice makes my heart pound and I feel anxious, perfume or other smells remind me of her and I will feel sick. I have trouble socialising with anyone my age especially males as I don’t feel like I belong with people in my age group, I also constantly wonder what they think about my relationship with her, I can’t bond with other males because at some point I will need to tell them I am a victim, I cannot bring myself to pretend it was alright when it wasn’t, being a victim is not something a “real man” can admit to and there must be something wrong with me.

She has never once said sorry, any time I brought it up with her, begging her to say simply that she knows how much it affected me she would get angry and tell me to stop being a sook and remind me of how hard it was on her to have put up with all my depression and crap over the years and that I just need to get over it.


Edited by jj3677 (04/10/13 03:28 AM)

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#430938 - 04/11/13 08:42 PM Re: Justice [Re: jj3677]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1112
Loc: The ATL

Hi JJ. Thank you for posting this and for your straightforwardness and honesty about your situation. This woman you were abused by is clearly a very sick and selfish person and it sounds like she does need to be punished, especially if she won't even say she's sorry and can't even be made to understand why her behavior was wrong and abusive. If she isn't sorry, it sounds to me like she damn sure needs to be MADE sorry. I encourage you to stick to your guns and to see this through to the end.

Oh and by the way, your story is yet another shining example of the infuriating double standard between how our society sees and treats a female predator vs a male predator. If the situation had been the EXACT SAME but she had instead been a man her age with a 15 year old boy or girl the town would have been out for him with the proverbial "pitchforks and torches". They would have locked him up and thrown away the key the second anyone found out about it. I know this to be true and so do you. Good luck man! Stick it to the bitch! Peace,

Ken

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#431171 - 04/13/13 10:49 PM Re: Justice [Re: jj3677]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 344
Loc: NY
Hey, Justice.

Originally Posted By: jj3677
I trusted her because she was an adult and as far as I was concerned adults didn’t lie and hurt people.


15 is a very vulnerable age. People may think you are declaring your adulthood but this is a moment when adults need to help, not hinder healthy growth into a responsible and caring man.

15 was very hard for me. There were people who took advantage of me. They may have told themselves that I was old enough to know, but if they really thought about it, the truth would come out.

I think sometimes when adults hurt us at this age, they set us up to lie to the world because it feels like there is no turning back. When we are abused at this age it seems like healthy activity, when it clearly is unhealthy activity being instigated by someone who acts as if they know the difference between right and wrong.

You are a courageous man. I hope you find some solace and support, here and elsewhere.

Focused
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#431213 - 04/14/13 05:13 AM Re: Justice [Re: jj3677]
lukedamien Offline


Registered: 04/05/13
Posts: 68
Even though we have different experiences I so feel the way you've felt in this 'Victim Impact Statement' I hope everything works out well in the court process. I hope you finally get the peace you need from this.

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#431215 - 04/14/13 05:32 AM Re: Justice [Re: jj3677]
jj3677 Offline


Registered: 04/09/13
Posts: 7
Thanks everyone for the comments.

She's been running around telling everyone I am just sick and have mental issues and need to blame it on someone, yes I have mental issues but not one of the issues don't go straight back to my experiences with her.

I'm off to my GP tomorrow because I finally opened up to my wife about my recent thoughts of self harm, I'm really struggling with nobody giving a crap and drawing the conclusion I am sick, even my no longer best friend claimed I just need to get over it (that's a whole nother story)

I've submitted the VIS now but I did add two extra paragraphs

I suffer from very low self esteem, low self confidence, anxiety in social situations; I am often distracted at work and have trouble communicating in the workplace. I avoid places where I may encounter this woman or her family and friends and will quickly vacate an area if I see them. My work takes me to an office in her town but I have avoided working in this office due to her daughter or nephew being students there, my wife and I frequently receive threats of violence from her daughter due to her not liking how we raise my daughter, I live in fear that one day her family or friends will be around the corner waiting for me so I avoid going down the street as much as possible.
I feel like I am not a part of normal human society.


I panic every time my daughter goes to stay at her mothers, I fear she or her friends will be provided with drugs and alcohol or they will be molested by one of her mothers friends, I am afraid that my daughter will take teenage boys there and the same thing will happen to them.


Edited by jj3677 (04/14/13 05:36 AM)

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#434911 - 05/17/13 12:47 AM Re: Justice [Re: jj3677]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3351
Loc: O Kanada
i thank you for showing courage.
my heart is pounding from reading your statement.
thanks for sharing it here.
honesty is the key.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#435848 - 05/26/13 09:13 AM Re: Justice [Re: jj3677]
jj3677 Offline


Registered: 04/09/13
Posts: 7
Hi everyone, well the case is getting adjourned, and adjourned, and adjourned over and over again at every stage.

It's now at the further directions hearing stage with no judge assigned..

Anyway, I just wanted to know how others deal with the blame thrust upon them?
Essentially I am completely to blame for this, I am sick and am ruining hers and others lives.
I've had this said by so many a**ho**s!!

Her boyfriend left her and wants nothing to do with her and she's found out it's because of this going on that he wants nothing to do with her, but her reaction is that I need to realise how much damage I am doing to people's lives and am even ruining my wifes life????

My mother has recently had heart problems and my daughter told this (C word) about her maybe not having long and her reaction was that she needs to stay alive long enough to answer questions in court...

Why can an adult ruin a 15 year olds life but it's OK because they're male? the legal system is punishing this person and I am sick? so are all the police and the prosecution team then?

She not only ruined my life and caused me to be a messed up socially isolated freak but she's caused the same for my daughter (it pains me to say our daughter) she didn't care how this would affect me or anybody else, she lied to my mother and caused her pain (her 15 year old boy was taken away by this dirty old woman) now she expects me to feel pitty for her and the other people's whose lives SHE affected.

Yes, I am quite angry at this point in time.

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#435861 - 05/26/13 11:53 AM Re: Justice [Re: jj3677]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1112
Loc: The ATL

Hi JJ. Thanks for the update and yes, you should be angry. Sadly, it sounds like you're dealing with a lot of very ignorant people here. You should not be made to feel like you are to blame for any of this and as I have said a million times before, if you were a girl and she was a guy, no one would be making you feel that way. Stay strong moving forward and know that the people here are rooting for you. Keep us posted. Take care man. Peace,

Ken

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#435888 - 05/26/13 04:53 PM Re: Justice [Re: jj3677]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3351
Loc: O Kanada
no secrets! end the silence!
that is our sacred duty as survivors.

the abuse stops with us.
we will not keep it hidden.

the truth is your power.
the truth is their consequence.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#436283 - 05/30/13 07:21 AM Re: Justice [Re: jj3677]
jj3677 Offline


Registered: 04/09/13
Posts: 7
I'm starting to think I will never recover from this, if it wasn't for my wonderful wife and kids I would have committed suicide.

I'm sick of being socially isolated but no matter what I do I just can't bring myself to get to know people, I can't shake feeling like a freak or being scared of what they will think if they find out how disgusting I am to have been with this old woman.

My last only friend is now gone since I realised he was just an asshole, a fight over him telling me to just fuck off resulted in him doing an extensive character assasination and basically saying I just need to get over everything and be normal, suffice it to say I want nothing to do with someone who can't understand when they have been there by my side the whole time.

I can't stand this anxiety I get in public, the fear her brother or some other relative will be waiting around the corner and will confront me over what "I am doing to her"

I just want to run away to another town where nobody knows me, but that won't help because I still won't be able to socialise with people being I'm just a disgusting pathetic wussy little freak!

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