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#431120 - 04/13/13 02:44 PM Five years married and he just told he was abused
stickysituaion Offline


Registered: 04/12/13
Posts: 5
Loc: United States
After weeks of fighting and threats of divorce my husband laid down next to me and told me that when he was six years old he was raped by a relative of a family friend and that is where some if not most of his pent up anger comes from. We are now in our mid thirties and my husband has been diagnosed with bi-polar but now that I know this (and no one else in the world does) I'm not even sure that diagnosis is right anymore. We have not spoken about the abuse since that night and I don't know how to approach him. Obviously he has never been comfortable enough to tell anyone else and I'm not sure he ever will. So I may be the only one that is going to have the opportunity to help him through the pain and shame he so obviously has been carrying for 30 years. I need some guidance on where I go from here.

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#431125 - 04/13/13 03:05 PM Re: Five years married and he just told he was abused [Re: stickysituaion]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 306
Probably he had PTSD and is not bi-polar but I'm not a Dr. so.....take that opinion with a grain of salt.

Good for him for talking about it!!!! That is a huge step!!

Learn as much as you can. Be aware, it is a roller coaster of emotions sometimes and you will make mistakes when talking to him about it. I stumbled like a blind person in a minefield for a long time with my husband. It seemed like every other sentence I uttered hit one! smile

It gets better. He needs to look at it and that is not easy. Therapy is good eventually but you also need to find a GOOD therapist for a guy. Depending on where you live they may not be abundant.

The guys on here are GREAT for advise so you can see things from his point of view.

For now.....depending on how you feel about it....tell him you are happy to talk more with him when he is ready. In the mean time post away and learn.

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#431136 - 04/13/13 05:02 PM Re: Five years married and he just told he was abused [Re: stickysituaion]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Go to Google Advanced www.google.com/advanced_search?hl=en

Go down the page to site or domain: and put in www.malesurvivor.org

In the search box at the top of the Google page enter husband and boundaries. Look through the threads. Then do the same search for husband and accountability.

I found Victims No Longer: The Classic Guide for Men Recovering from Sexual Child Abuse to be a good book. I went through over a dozen from my local library. This was one of the best.

He needs help. And while you may be an important suporter for him he will need someone else to help him through this. Search this forum. Go back to an earlier time here and work your way forward and try and get an understanding of what others have gone through.

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#431155 - 04/13/13 09:00 PM Re: Five years married and he just told he was abused [Re: stickysituaion]
stickysituaion Offline


Registered: 04/12/13
Posts: 5
Loc: United States
Thank you Sugarbaby and Candu... I appreciate your feedback... I need all the advise and guidance I can get....

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#431156 - 04/13/13 09:15 PM Re: Five years married and he just told he was abused [Re: stickysituaion]
pittsburgh Offline


Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 84
Loc: west Chester, Pa
You will find that anger is one and only one of the effects. I had it for many years and did not understand it at all. It took about three years for me to come to grips with, still not sure, just know I understand it better and am more at peace with myself. My wife of now is also a survior, this was of great help or I would not be where I am. The point is that it took great understanding on her part. I agree read about the effects and give him time. I strongly suggest find a "T" who has worked with male surviors. My wife and I will pray for you and wish you and him the best in your jouney.
_________________________
it is and has been quite a trip thru life, as last I feel that I am in a better place, it takes work and in my case a wife the was and is forgiveing and helpful. At last a relationship has gone right, messed up three.

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#431174 - 04/13/13 11:01 PM Re: Five years married and he just told he was abused [Re: stickysituaion]
Wife - Survivor Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 38
Loc: PA
ALL this stuff is impossible (IMO) w/o an Experienced MALE T. Since he told you, please suggest he discuss his experiences w/such. That way a Prof knows what to do next - we don't - it's quite different for the men. Maybe you join-in after a while. There are many layers to this onion & Prof help & guidance is recomended, IMO. Keep asking !
_________________________
Everyone DESERVES Recovery, IF they WANT it.
Anything worth it, takes mucho Time & Willingness.

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#431242 - 04/14/13 02:35 PM Re: Five years married and he just told he was abused [Re: stickysituaion]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 758
Loc: upper south
Survivor here. Male. One of the things I continue to discover being a part of MS is that many many males will share one instance of abuse. And only one. There's always a chance that your husband experienced several instances of hurt. For me, I told my wife of only one...I never told her in the ensuing 23 years of any other. And there were multiple abusers and years of scars. Read, read, read. Learn about the issues and the pain.

Seek counseling for both you and your husband. And take care of yourself in the process. Do not accept his outbursts of unexplained anger. Hold him accountable for his grown up behavior and treatment of you. It was the best thing my wife did for me. And love him.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#431516 - 04/17/13 01:18 AM Re: Five years married and he just told he was abused [Re: stickysituaion]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Sticky (hehehehe)

I am a survivor, yep actually thriver, one who has dealt with their demons, and there were many.
It is a big step for him to tell you that, but BUT often it is a step that he takes to get control over his situation, to get your sympathy and to throw you off your original course of action.
I chucked my wife a couple off bones and kept her of divorcing me for 15 years.
Dont let him do this to you.
Yoiu need to study up on Co-Dependance, Im not trying to label you, but you WILL be affected by his behaviour, learn about dealing with this and you will toughen yourself up and help him more.
His BiPolar diagnosis is to me (IN MY PERSONAL OPINION) the therapists way of labeling something that they really dont understand. When in Doubt, give it a name and give em drugs.
Keep the momentum going, tell him to join this site. Start talking to him about the abuse and dont let him hide away from it. I am of the Dr Phill School of treatment..... We know what it is now lets deal with it.
Study as much as you can, buy him books, "Evicting the perpetrator" is a good one, Mike Lews books are good.

I did a little research here and asked wives a few questions. Men will generally tell their wives one incident and then leave it and not talk about it for up to 10 years. So dont let the power he has given you slip away. PUSH PUSH PUSH. Men here will say dont, Butr believe me, I wish my wife had pushed all those years ago, then I would not have wasted all these years.
It is really precious to be healthy and happy, to be "normal", help him achieve this.

Good luck

Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#431517 - 04/17/13 01:19 AM Re: Five years married and he just told he was abused [Re: stickysituaion]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Sticky (hehehehe)

Sorry accidentally posted twice
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#431518 - 04/17/13 01:27 AM Re: Five years married and he just told he was abused [Re: stickysituaion]
toysoldier Offline


Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 468
Loc: Texas
it shows a lot of trust on his part to tell You, I have been married for 12 years and can't tell my wife dont have the courage !
_________________________
I'm supposed to be the soldier who never blows his composure
Even though I hold the weight of the whole world on my shoulders..

Bit by bit Torn apart We never win But the battle wages on
For toy soldiers!

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#431538 - 04/17/13 06:11 AM Re: Five years married and he just told he was abused [Re: stickysituaion]
Rosemary Offline


Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 31
Loc: Johannesburg, South Africa
Stickysituation,

Never underestimate the fact that he has disclosed this information to you. This in itself is a declaration to you that he trusts you and that he feels safe with you having this information. You do not mention how long ago this was. However, he has been holding onto this trauma for so long it will take awhile before he is ready to take it further. The people of Tanzania have a saying: "pole pole" it means "slowly slowly" and it is good advice.

I unfortunately disagree with Whome, DO NOT PUSH, you could land up pushing him right out of your life. It was just recently that my husband told me that the greatest thing I did for him while he was healing, was to give him space and not insist on the details. When he first disclosed his abuse to me he asked me to write a list of the questions I wanted to ask. He promised to answer each and every question when he was ready. He has answered all my questions on that list through the years. To this day I am sure there are still things he has not told me about his abuse, that information still belongs to him and I have no right to demand it of him.

Unfortunately, your husband may have been diagnosed incorrectly but sometimes we need to allow the professionals to do what they have been trained to do, and sometimes it is not easy to hear the truth.

Just for the record, my husband revealed his abuse 10 years ago and we are happily married for almost 28 years, so with the right circumstances and a lot of love it is possible for your husband to heal.

Whatever you do look after yourself first but allow your husband to heal at his own pace. Please PM me if you would like to chat on a more personal note.
_________________________
Rosemary

Partner Support
South African Male Survivors Of Sexual Abuse
Web page www.samsosa.org

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#431550 - 04/17/13 08:43 AM Re: Five years married and he just told he was abused [Re: whome]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Originally Posted By: whome
It is a big step for him to tell you that, but BUT often it is a step that he takes to get control over his situation, to get your sympathy and to throw you off your original course of action.
I chucked my wife a couple off bones and kept her of divorcing me for 15 years.
Dont let him do this to you.

I believe we are forced into action in a crisis situation. And then after the crisis, and things are closer to normal, then we slack off. Honestly, do you think we want to deal with this shit? Of course not everyone is the same.

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#432414 - 04/25/13 04:36 PM Re: Five years married and he just told he was abused [Re: stickysituaion]
stickysituaion Offline


Registered: 04/12/13
Posts: 5
Loc: United States
Thank you all for the feedback and inspiring words of your personal courage.

I do have a question, I dont want to come across in any way offensive, but since I am not a survivor I dont understand any of this. I can only imagine what type of trauma it must cause a child to be tormented and have no one to save them, but after so many years how does it continue to control the life of the abused? I struggle to understand where all his anger continues to come from. What is feeding his anger and keeping it alive? Is it the fact that he has kept the secret.... That he feels ashamed.... That he was let down by the people that were to protect him??? How do I help is what I am struggling with. I love him so much and want to see him happy and healthy inside and out.

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#432415 - 04/25/13 04:38 PM Re: Five years married and he just told he was abused [Re: whome]
stickysituaion Offline


Registered: 04/12/13
Posts: 5
Loc: United States
Martin- You hit it on the head, we are having tremendous troubles in our marriage and he did tell me at one of our lowest points. I suppose it could have been for the sympathy of it (throwing me a bone). But one way or the other I have come this far and dont want to let our marriage explode (and destroy our 3 young sons). I want to get him to talk about it but have no idea how to start the conversation since we are still sort of fighting (everyday)....

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#432416 - 04/25/13 04:45 PM Re: Five years married and he just told he was abused [Re: Rosemary]
stickysituaion Offline


Registered: 04/12/13
Posts: 5
Loc: United States
Rosemary- We have been married for 5 years (knowing each other socially since we were teens, we're mid thirties now) and he just told me about a month ago. He asked me if I thought of him different after he told me. I think he thought I would judge him, I think he still feels like it's his fault or responsibility in some way. I'm confused on how to stand back and wait, what if he never says another word and continues to be angry. I wont be able to tolerate this for much longer. I want to help him so our sons don't grow up thinking this is the way men behave. I'm concerned about the mental health of everyone involved.

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#432419 - 04/25/13 05:50 PM Re: Five years married and he just told he was abused [Re: stickysituaion]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi sticky

This is one of those situations.
I know that my approach is a tough one, but there are two people to consider here. You and Him. You already sound like you are at the end of your tether.
Then there is him, and he has a problem. He will if you let him, Ignore the situation as long as he can or until his life becomes unmanageable.
You can either help to make his life unmanageable faster, or you can wait until he decides to face his demons.
Make a decision now that YOU can live with, like I will stay with him if he begins healing and help. Or you can decide to leave if he does not seek to heal.
When I get to an addict for an intervention, I dont paint a rosy picture and say well perhaps if you feel like it we can go to a rehab and try get you clean. No I tell him the facts, If you continue on this path, you will DIE, this is the truth.

Now your husband has the choice. We KNOW that he was abused as a child, he told you. we know that this causes the current state that he is in, this we know from the many testimonies we have here on MS. and e also know from testimonies here that this could get worse before it gets better.
I wish that I could have seen the 200 men program 10 years ago, I dont know if it would have made a difference, but I really feel that I would have begun the healing process earlier, I could have had a very very different life right now.
I told my X wife 15 years ago, and only began my healing journey 3 years ago. Imagine If I had heard the testimonies of other abused men 15 years ago, wow I could have had a very different life.
If you are going to let him deal with this thing (That he doesnt even understand) his way, well then you need to make a decision and decide how long you will actually wait, whether you ill put your life on hold till he heals or decides too.
You will end up resenting him and blame him for things that you are not happy with. This is what happened to us. We were married for 21 years,
I wish someone played hard ball with me about this 15 years ago.

With all this said, this is my experience. I am now a healthy happy man Confident and outgoing. I run a group for male survivors in South Africa. I am also starting a group For female Survivors. I fight for the recognition of male survivors in our country. I am not saying that I am the ultimate in the treatment of mens ailments, But what I am saying is that you need to control the things that you can control, and those are the decisions that affect YOU,
You can give him the information, buy him the books and get him to watch the movies and the 200 men show, BUT you cannot make him heal. But you can control what it is that you will do and how much you will allow yourself to go through.
TAKE CARE OF YOU
This is just to give you an alternate aproach
Truth is that you know in your heart what is best for you both, you will make the right decision. Trust our heart.

Take care
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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