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#431120 - 04/13/13 02:44 PM Five years married and he just told he was abused
stickysituaion Offline


Registered: 04/12/13
Posts: 5
Loc: United States
After weeks of fighting and threats of divorce my husband laid down next to me and told me that when he was six years old he was raped by a relative of a family friend and that is where some if not most of his pent up anger comes from. We are now in our mid thirties and my husband has been diagnosed with bi-polar but now that I know this (and no one else in the world does) I'm not even sure that diagnosis is right anymore. We have not spoken about the abuse since that night and I don't know how to approach him. Obviously he has never been comfortable enough to tell anyone else and I'm not sure he ever will. So I may be the only one that is going to have the opportunity to help him through the pain and shame he so obviously has been carrying for 30 years. I need some guidance on where I go from here.

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#431125 - 04/13/13 03:05 PM Re: Five years married and he just told he was abused [Re: stickysituaion]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 307
Probably he had PTSD and is not bi-polar but I'm not a Dr. so.....take that opinion with a grain of salt.

Good for him for talking about it!!!! That is a huge step!!

Learn as much as you can. Be aware, it is a roller coaster of emotions sometimes and you will make mistakes when talking to him about it. I stumbled like a blind person in a minefield for a long time with my husband. It seemed like every other sentence I uttered hit one! smile

It gets better. He needs to look at it and that is not easy. Therapy is good eventually but you also need to find a GOOD therapist for a guy. Depending on where you live they may not be abundant.

The guys on here are GREAT for advise so you can see things from his point of view.

For now.....depending on how you feel about it....tell him you are happy to talk more with him when he is ready. In the mean time post away and learn.

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#431136 - 04/13/13 05:02 PM Re: Five years married and he just told he was abused [Re: stickysituaion]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Go to Google Advanced www.google.com/advanced_search?hl=en

Go down the page to site or domain: and put in www.malesurvivor.org

In the search box at the top of the Google page enter husband and boundaries. Look through the threads. Then do the same search for husband and accountability.

I found Victims No Longer: The Classic Guide for Men Recovering from Sexual Child Abuse to be a good book. I went through over a dozen from my local library. This was one of the best.

He needs help. And while you may be an important suporter for him he will need someone else to help him through this. Search this forum. Go back to an earlier time here and work your way forward and try and get an understanding of what others have gone through.

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#431155 - 04/13/13 09:00 PM Re: Five years married and he just told he was abused [Re: stickysituaion]
stickysituaion Offline


Registered: 04/12/13
Posts: 5
Loc: United States
Thank you Sugarbaby and Candu... I appreciate your feedback... I need all the advise and guidance I can get....

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#431156 - 04/13/13 09:15 PM Re: Five years married and he just told he was abused [Re: stickysituaion]
pittsburgh Offline


Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 84
Loc: west Chester, Pa
You will find that anger is one and only one of the effects. I had it for many years and did not understand it at all. It took about three years for me to come to grips with, still not sure, just know I understand it better and am more at peace with myself. My wife of now is also a survior, this was of great help or I would not be where I am. The point is that it took great understanding on her part. I agree read about the effects and give him time. I strongly suggest find a "T" who has worked with male surviors. My wife and I will pray for you and wish you and him the best in your jouney.
_________________________
it is and has been quite a trip thru life, as last I feel that I am in a better place, it takes work and in my case a wife the was and is forgiveing and helpful. At last a relationship has gone right, messed up three.

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#431174 - 04/13/13 11:01 PM Re: Five years married and he just told he was abused [Re: stickysituaion]
Wife - Survivor Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 38
Loc: PA
ALL this stuff is impossible (IMO) w/o an Experienced MALE T. Since he told you, please suggest he discuss his experiences w/such. That way a Prof knows what to do next - we don't - it's quite different for the men. Maybe you join-in after a while. There are many layers to this onion & Prof help & guidance is recomended, IMO. Keep asking !
_________________________
Everyone DESERVES Recovery, IF they WANT it.
Anything worth it, takes mucho Time & Willingness.

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#431242 - 04/14/13 02:35 PM Re: Five years married and he just told he was abused [Re: stickysituaion]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 758
Loc: upper south
Survivor here. Male. One of the things I continue to discover being a part of MS is that many many males will share one instance of abuse. And only one. There's always a chance that your husband experienced several instances of hurt. For me, I told my wife of only one...I never told her in the ensuing 23 years of any other. And there were multiple abusers and years of scars. Read, read, read. Learn about the issues and the pain.

Seek counseling for both you and your husband. And take care of yourself in the process. Do not accept his outbursts of unexplained anger. Hold him accountable for his grown up behavior and treatment of you. It was the best thing my wife did for me. And love him.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#431516 - 04/17/13 01:18 AM Re: Five years married and he just told he was abused [Re: stickysituaion]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Sticky (hehehehe)

I am a survivor, yep actually thriver, one who has dealt with their demons, and there were many.
It is a big step for him to tell you that, but BUT often it is a step that he takes to get control over his situation, to get your sympathy and to throw you off your original course of action.
I chucked my wife a couple off bones and kept her of divorcing me for 15 years.
Dont let him do this to you.
Yoiu need to study up on Co-Dependance, Im not trying to label you, but you WILL be affected by his behaviour, learn about dealing with this and you will toughen yourself up and help him more.
His BiPolar diagnosis is to me (IN MY PERSONAL OPINION) the therapists way of labeling something that they really dont understand. When in Doubt, give it a name and give em drugs.
Keep the momentum going, tell him to join this site. Start talking to him about the abuse and dont let him hide away from it. I am of the Dr Phill School of treatment..... We know what it is now lets deal with it.
Study as much as you can, buy him books, "Evicting the perpetrator" is a good one, Mike Lews books are good.

I did a little research here and asked wives a few questions. Men will generally tell their wives one incident and then leave it and not talk about it for up to 10 years. So dont let the power he has given you slip away. PUSH PUSH PUSH. Men here will say dont, Butr believe me, I wish my wife had pushed all those years ago, then I would not have wasted all these years.
It is really precious to be healthy and happy, to be "normal", help him achieve this.

Good luck

Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#431517 - 04/17/13 01:19 AM Re: Five years married and he just told he was abused [Re: stickysituaion]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Sticky (hehehehe)

Sorry accidentally posted twice
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#431518 - 04/17/13 01:27 AM Re: Five years married and he just told he was abused [Re: stickysituaion]
toysoldier Offline


Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 468
Loc: Texas
it shows a lot of trust on his part to tell You, I have been married for 12 years and can't tell my wife dont have the courage !
_________________________
I'm supposed to be the soldier who never blows his composure
Even though I hold the weight of the whole world on my shoulders..

Bit by bit Torn apart We never win But the battle wages on
For toy soldiers!

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