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#431068 - 04/13/13 12:22 AM You fukng idiot
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6373
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Complete disregard and hiding from the uncomfortable reveals one truth...at least in one circumstance. But then again, no one owes anything good to a bag of dog shit.

Since the dam broke, I felt like I could finally be the real me. That the "real me" was actually emerging. I was always aware of a softer and gentle heart within. It was burned-over so many times, but was still in there somewhere. It was still alive

I thought I had found a way, a time, and a place to resuscitate it and discover that it did actually exist at one point...that HE did actually exist at one point in time.

But I was never wrong about squelching it that inner heart...that inner boy of 7. Never wrong. If you can't see him, you can't hurt him. If he does not reveal himself, you can't target him...you can't feel free to kick and stomp him.

Rather, all you'll ever get to see of him from here-on is the calcified miserable creature return. The creature created out of necessity for survival. Why did I ever fall for any of this disclosure bull? It was all contrary to survival instinct. Thus, it was contrary to survival.

Trusting...again...trusting even those in my own trench...on my own side...cost me everything. And "trusting" was entirely my fault!
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Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

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#431082 - 04/13/13 07:20 AM Re: You fukng idiot [Re: Still]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1483
Loc: New England
Geez Still! Whats going on? You sound pretty down buddy. Talk to us....it will help.

Jude
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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#431090 - 04/13/13 09:45 AM Re: You fukng idiot [Re: Still]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Originally Posted By: Still
Trusting...again...trusting even those in my own trench...on my own side...cost me everything. And "trusting" was entirely my fault!


This is not a fault of yours. We need to trust. Sadly they were unworthy of your trust.

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#431096 - 04/13/13 10:49 AM Re: You fukng idiot [Re: Still]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6373
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
From another large-scale survivor...of something maybe not worth surviving.

"You all heard of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) but I call this just being dead inside." Selco 2013
_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

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#431098 - 04/13/13 11:12 AM Re: You fukng idiot [Re: Still]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1390
Loc: California
You can choose to live in fear and accept this life, or you can choose to have faith that Jesus was correct when he said the 2 greatest commandments - to Love your God with all your heart, soul, and mind, and to love your neighbor AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF.

Empathy is the antidote to shame and fear.

You and I both need to learn how to trust people again, and you and I both need to realize that our experiences don't necessarily reflect the truth of the entire world. We were hurt and victimized and we were prime targets because of severe neglect.

We're adults now, and the world can't hurt us the way the world hurt us when we were kids. We have to lower our defenses so that we can find and allow the love that is out there IN. Otherwise, we are indeed doomed.



Originally Posted By: Still
Complete disregard and hiding from the uncomfortable reveals one truth...at least in one circumstance. But then again, no one owes anything good to a bag of dog shit.

Since the dam broke, I felt like I could finally be the real me. That the "real me" was actually emerging. I was always aware of a softer and gentle heart within. It was burned-over so many times, but was still in there somewhere. It was still alive

I thought I had found a way, a time, and a place to resuscitate it and discover that it did actually exist at one point...that HE did actually exist at one point in time.

But I was never wrong about squelching it that inner heart...that inner boy of 7. Never wrong. If you can't see him, you can't hurt him. If he does not reveal himself, you can't target him...you can't feel free to kick and stomp him.

Rather, all you'll ever get to see of him from here-on is the calcified miserable creature return. The creature created out of necessity for survival. Why did I ever fall for any of this disclosure bull? It was all contrary to survival instinct. Thus, it was contrary to survival.

Trusting...again...trusting even those in my own trench...on my own side...cost me everything. And "trusting" was entirely my fault!
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#431100 - 04/13/13 11:26 AM Re: You fukng idiot [Re: Still]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
I hear ya' Still...

I can't let you say some of this to yourself without responding, guy. And I say the following with love and support and caring and understanding. That 7 yr old boy right there, inside your big old breaking heart dude. Let him hide when he wants, but just remember he is there. And if he is there, inside the grown up big you, no one can hurt him. You can protect him, and you will. Thats what you are doing now, protecting that 7 year old boy.

But he is not calcified, not a miserable little creature. He just isn't, guy. What a beautiful, special spirit he is and its a gift that you want to love him enough to protect him. Reach for his hand and just lead him for a while. And as you walk through the weekend, just hold his hand. Sounds weird, but no one knows but you.

F..., f...., f...., PTSD...f..., f...., f....,........ you can do this. You are not dead inside. It would not hurt so much for you, for me, for the others if we were truly dead inside. Take a break from the inside. Don't look there today, just walk with the 7 yr old.

You are one who makes me touch the inside of my spirit. When I see your pain, I see mine. And I by fuck refuse right now to step back in time. I'm just gonna let my anger protect me for a while, and I'm sending some of that energy your way. I hear its good and healthy and can be constructive... so here you go, big handfuls of protective constructive anger/energy.

And this was going to be a "no- cry day"... so much for my protective dam. You reminded me know I am still alive, Still. WE ARE ALIVE. ...he says thru the tears. Energy, dude. Good, positive, protective energy. (asa Angels.)

b

btw...F..., f...., f...., PTSD...f..., f...., f....,.......just to clarify... this is my anger toward WHAT the PTSD has done to me, you, us...It is in no way a minimizing of its effects.





Edited by ThisMan (04/13/13 11:37 AM)
Edit Reason: clarify phrase
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#431101 - 04/13/13 11:32 AM Re: You fukng idiot [Re: Still]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
ps, Still.
Dog shit is not a good reference for yourself. Try something like wounded or hurt...... sound like a teacher now, don't I....

Let's try this... STOP calling yourself DOG SHIT. Stop identifying yourself as refuse on the sidewalk. You MUST begin to lift yourself up. YOU MUST.

b
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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