I made a realization in therapy today. I realized that my body image issues stem from the fear that unless I am absolutely perfect then I will be betrayed. I am afraid that if I'm not perfect then any woman I end up with will eventually find someone else whom she is more attracted to physically, lie to me about her feelings, end up cheating on and then leaving me for him. Or she may end up developing an emotional romantic connection with someone else, lie to me about her feelings and leave me for him. And, even if she doesn't leave me for him and instead stays with me despite her feelings I still can't stand the thought of that type of betrayal. It's like I feel that if that were to happen then that's it. That's the nail in the coffin. It's like everything sold to me through the cuckold porn that I used to watch was true. That you have to be ripped or look like a male model in order to be attractive or even loved. I really don't know if I'd have the strength to continue if that happened.
My therapist was glad that this came up. He said that now that this is present we can start to work through it. He said that no one can guarantee that that will not happen. The only way we can have complete security is if we don't need someone, which he said is even a paradox (though I can't remember what is explanation on that was). But, he said it it's as if someone asked you to go for a walk through the most beautiful forest and you said "I don't want to go, because you can't guarantee me that I won't trip and cut myself". Though, to me this wound seems bigger than a cut. He asked me if the fear so powerful that I was going to allow myself to be defeated and give into the messages of the cuckold porn. I told him I didn't want to. I didn't say this to him, but it would seem like it would be a complete justification of the idea that I am completely worthless. Though, he did say that no one person defines any of us. He said that he thinks that the blueprint I've gotten that betrayal is something I deserve is one that I am rebelling against which is good, but it's one that I'm defining myself by, and I need to use it to refine myself by.
Anyway, I know this message probably seemed pretty negative for a post in the progress section. I just thought that this realization was probably a big step since it now frees me to deal with it and help me in the process of healing.
To be honest, I guess I'm also looking for some words of encouragement, because I could use help getting out of this mindset that any of this is true.