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#430955 - 04/11/13 11:47 PM Anger ... its an unknown to me
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Probably some major triggers in this rant...

Haven't seen the T for two weeks. I had no agenda today, so I found my thoughts were random dialogue, jumping from topic to topic, mixed with the off handed jokes, and hidden meaning. One improvement is that it all focused on recovery issues. I don't know how she can be in the same room with me. I drive me crazy.

Unfocused. Me. But not in a bad way as before. She (the T) noticed sporadic topic jumping. Wanted to know what was going on and why I was having this problem. Well, after reminding her she was the T, she presented this scenario....

After six months of therapy and three months of sharing and learning with MS and you guys, which I have shared with her, some issues have come to light. ... duh.... yep, I say. And I have made some progress on laying some of these things to the side. Thank you T. I knew that. I shared that in the "ugly" dialogue the other night.

Now, according to T, that emotional energy is no longer required to deal with some of these issues. This is why we pay Ts for their expertise. What is happening is that you are deciding what to do with the energy. She really is a good T.

It seems I am consciously refusing to direct the energy to the next BIG thing. And it is a big thing. ANGER. After hearing her say this, I knew it was exactly what was taking place. I am soooo angry.

Angry at the assaults and the rapes and the being cast aside as a little boy and a middle age guy. Angry at brothers for not loving me and pushing me away because they thought I was damaged. Angry at momma for not verbalizing what she saw and let happen.

Angry at daddy for hitting me over and over with leather razor straps and calling me not so nice names in front of the family. I just read what I wrote. I didn't even write in an angry way. I said "not so nice names"... he got drunk, he cursed me, he hit me, he used the buckles on two belts.... always.....not so nice .... wtf is wrong with me....... keep it real.... keep it real. He was an abuser and a drunk and I am angry that I had refused for all these years to not admit that. Just WTF !!! And I am angry that I was the recipient of all that "daddy anger" the night my momma stepped in and made him stop and the blow up happened. And my daddy disappeared for days and I thought it was my fault.... I am angry that he wasn't man enough to be a decent dad and husband. Just WTF was I supposed to do...

Angry at the older boy who tied me up in the barn and pulled my pants down. Angry at cuz' for having the audacity to write a letter glorifying how God had turned his life around, when he was the first to use me. He mailed it to my MOTHER. MY Mother. The fuck even had me mb him when I was nine...that was a friggin' 5 years after being his lap puppy, once marked always marked.....that was when I learned to obsessively wash my hands... so angry at needing to wash my hands over and over and over... and fuckin angry that I did not receive a letter glorifying me for overcoming what the fuck gave to me...... God, can I say I hate him.

I am angry at my sister for bringing in the next sob and letting him use me for four years and angry that he was the one who did the true anal rape, even if for just a few minutes, god it hurt so bad.......and even angry that at 14 I was "noticeable" which made me an even better mark for old fucks

Guys, I just turned age 14 with my anger. That leaves me 40 years or so to cover but since i am pretty upset, I best stop ranting. There's much more but I deleted it.

I am angry that I think I should not be angry.

I am not angry that I am beginning to recognize my anger, I just don't know how to deal with an emotion or state of being that I have been forbidden to have. What do I do with it ?

ps.... I stole a hug from the previous thread.... I am an honest guy. I'll return it, but I really needed it.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#430962 - 04/12/13 12:42 AM Re: Anger ... its an unknown to me [Re: ThisMan]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3517
Loc: somewhere in Africa
yep, bill -

plenty of triggers for me.

but i am glad you wrote it.

and i'm glad i read it.

i am crying - both for you and for me.

i am angry - for you. i have a very hard time feeling anger for my own self.

it helps to feel it on someone else's behalf. it make it more real for me - like saying to my self - "see, you can feel anger for him because he has the right to feel it. you (i) have the right to feel anger for yourself (myself), too."

maybe we need to organize an exchange program - to do for others what we can't do for our selves...

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#430972 - 04/12/13 03:26 AM Re: Anger ... its an unknown to me [Re: ThisMan]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Hey, dude - no need to steal/borrow hugs. There are plenty more where those came from!

Here's one for you -

(((((((ThisMan)))))))

And yes, you have every right to be angry. I went throuhg a few phases with anger myself. When I was little, I was taught that anger wasn't allowed. When I was a little older and no longer under my father's roof, the suppressed anger bubbled up out of control, and caused havoc. People got hurt - people who cared about me and didn't deserve to be on the receiving end of all that anger. Even later, I realised that I couldn't live like that. All that anger flying all over the place was destructive. So I tried to control it, and in the process I managed to close the door on it all over again. Now, I'm learning to handle it without letting it become destructive either to myself, or to people I care about. I'm learning to open that door just a little bit at a time, and letting only as much anger escape as I can handle at any one time. It's a slow process, but I'm getting there. The anger left behind the door is getting less and less. One day I will be able to leave that door open, and deal with my anger as it comes up. I look forward to that day.

Funny how, when looking at smaller portions of anger at a time, time and again I realise that it actually looks more like pain than anger...
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#430986 - 04/12/13 08:06 AM Re: Anger ... its an unknown to me [Re: ThisMan]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 759
Loc: Southeast USA
(((((This Man)))))

You're experiencing a very normal reaction to a decidedly "un-normal" thing. I'm no shrink with a shingle to hang on the wall, but in my situation, I've dealt with the anger...sadness...shame....confusion. Well, I've experienced them...and may or not have fully dealt with them all.

In another recent thread, I likened these reactions to tools in a toolbox. My project is recovery...and my challenge is to piick and choose the appropriate tool for the task at hand. Of course, a hammer is good for some tasks...but others may require fine grit sandpaper. I say this with the knowledge that even architectural masterpieces need some upkeep from time to time----even after construction is complete.

Hugs are always free...

Will



Edited by Suwanee (04/12/13 08:07 AM)
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#430993 - 04/12/13 09:12 AM Re: Anger ... its an unknown to me [Re: ThisMan]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 918
Loc: New York
Bill,

You should be angry - you deserved better. The anger is your realization of this, for the sake of yourself at 4, 9, 14, and all points after. Someone ought to get angry at such serial mistreatment of a good person - and if no one else will step up, at least you can do it. That you're doing it in controlled and safe surroundings / methods is tremendously important too.


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#431020 - 04/12/13 12:48 PM Re: Anger ... its an unknown to me [Re: ThisMan]
csasurvivor1992 Offline


Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
Thisman,

I am excited for you! this is a HUGE step in the right direction! and quite perceptive as well, angry at 14 with a 40 year gap.

i'd say let it flow. i went through this exact thing about 4 months ago. it HURT!!! i started angry, then i wanted to tell everyone (and did), then i wanted to see my abuser locked up (still pondering that). then i CRIED MY EYES out feeling shame and guilt. it's a painful process we're in, but so very necessary.

i would also say that there is not a 40-year gap. you are grieving emotions from experiences that were pent up at that age. your body has not been ready until now to feel the emotions that go along with everything you experienced then. it sounds like your body is ready.

as for channeling it, definitely ask your awesome T smile .... she'll likely have some ideas. journaling worked for me, but then i needed a punching bag. still do actually. i want to FUCKING HIT AND BREAK THE FACE OF THE FUCKING ASSHOLE WHO THOUGHT IT WAS OKAY TO SODOMIZE HIS SON!!!

feel angry, you deserve it. you are worth it brother.

as for your therapy experience, i had the exact same leader into feeling anger... my T said, afterwards, "it has been interesting watching you sit here and navigate around having to feel this..."

yep, feelings are coming, and they are coming strong. i wish you luck and while the pain you feel is awful, i'm also happy that you're at this stage. LET THE HEALING BEGIN!
_________________________
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

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#431099 - 04/13/13 11:15 AM Re: Anger ... its an unknown to me [Re: ThisMan]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1147
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: ThisMan

Guys, I just turned age 14 with my anger. That leaves me 40 years or so to cover but since i am pretty upset, I best stop ranting. There's much more but I deleted it.


FREE HUGS FOR THISMAN

((((((ThisMan))))))

I wish you hadn't deleted the rest of what you had to say about all this. Anger is an important topic and it affects a lot of us. I really like how you point out that you "just turned 14" with your anger. That speaks a lot to me and I really identify with it, although I rarely think of my own anger in those terms. I, to, am filled with anger and it is much like the anger of a young boy and not necessarily a man. It's also the least healthy form of anger. All internalized and directed inwards. I'm hearing a lot of that from you as well.

I wish I could suggest healthy coping mechanisms but I'm afraid any suggestions I have would either be unhealthy, inadequate or wouldn't work for other people. I have my own anger coping mechanisms but they're mostly either dysfunctional or are specific to my own interests and personality. My suggestions would sound like this......

"So, you have a lot of internalized anger and you're looking for healthy coping mechanisms? Hmmmmm... have you considered listening to Slayer? Oh, you don't like hate-filled music? Ok, well... have you considered becoming a sports fan and screaming at the TV and throwing and kicking things across the room when your team doesn't do well? Oh, sports don't interest you? Ok, well..... have you tried screaming and swearing at other drivers in traffic? Road rage is a good one!"

Good luck getting in touch with your anger and with identifying it and where it comes from. That's important, I think. I'm sure your T can help you with that. If you can identify coping mechanisms of you own, I hope you post about them. It would be interesting to hear what works for you. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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#431188 - 04/14/13 12:42 AM Re: Anger ... its an unknown to me [Re: ThisMan]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Guys,

thanks for the support and affirmation with the anger issues. Like my friend told his group... b has issues. Wish I knew how to create those nice tanned quotation boxes so I wouldn't need to copy and paste, but I don't.

Just know the following... I do want to mash in some m-f'in-faces. Both from the past and the recent. I did leave out a few things because the shame is still greater than the anger, so shame trumps. - hell, let's try it... ANGRY that the older boy made me give head to him and the bastard came in my mouth... I was 12, ty. Left that out. Soooo, wash hands, and brush teeth, and wash hands, and brush teeth. lol. How do we do it? I really wonder how we can be so normal and yet so wounded.

Ken, I don't even know who Slayer is (although he/she/it sounds rather ominous), let alone hate-filled music. lol. That was just funny to me. As well as sports. My coordination came in the form of a paint brush on canvas. Not on a ball field of any kind... its like you have this power to see ME...

And Crazy, I am so tired of shutting that door, always waiting for the demons to push through. I hope I keep it open long enough this time to let the light in.

And all of you, again, without your words, I simply couldn't do it. I really couldn't. Its been another three days of surprisingly sporadic tears and I will just say... i couldn't do this without your wisdom. And hugs.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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