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#43085 - 07/31/02 09:09 PM I fucked up bad
Broken Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
I screwed up with my money, i dont know how but i spent way too much last month. I have to sell my computer. This just sent me to tears, my life doesnt feel like its ever going to be any good. I am just going to be poor and powerless all my life, and it seems no matter what i try and do i cant win. Life is rigged, pople say its like a game but its a game you cant win. What the hell is the point? My life means nothing.I dont want to play anymore. Life cheats. Maybe i should just join the army and start killing people like everybody else. We are just fucking animals. I cant control myself, what hope do i have of livng a decent life. if this is just another mistake then why does that seem my life is, justs a mistake? I could scream help until my throat was raw, it doesnt matter because nobody would come.

I threw away all my money like a god damn idiot. I dont think ill get squat for the computer, not enough to afford a new one. I dont want to do this anymore, life just feels like a cruel joke. I never wanted anything i was taught we could have. I didnt want a job, i didnt want money, the only thing i ever wanted was an escape to a better world that wasnt such a hellhole. This place sucks, i live next to the freeway, my roomates are all like strangers. I have no friends, no family, i have nothing. I HATE my life. The only way out is death, and that just takes you some place worse, im sure. I hear the echo of our history in my head and it seems clear that humanity is a tragedy. I just wish i could let myself die.


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#43086 - 07/31/02 10:08 PM Re: I fucked up bad
Broken Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
Oh man, i didnt want to come across like tha. I just cant make my head work right. I'll be OK i guess, but i have so many damn poblems. I need insurance for my car, and that is going to be a huge expense. It will help to cut off the dsl from my phone bill, but i only signed up for that because they had a deal anyways. Its barely twenty dollars. I havent been keeping good track of my finances. time to start i guess. how much do you think i can get for an AMD 1700 with 512 ram and 40 gigs of hard drive? i bought it for 1400 with moniter, printer, keyboard, cd-rom writer, dvd, and mouse. Im hoping i can get at least 800 for it. I made a big mistake with this dumb thing, i thought i could find a way to use it somehow, but there is just so much you have to know about computers before you can do anything at all with them. Wave of the future my ass, computers are still built for the express purpose of outdating anyone who doesnt have one. This is the place im going to miss.

I just dont understand how things could get out from under me so fast. How i managed to miss how much id been spending. This has all been thrust on me, it is so overwhelming. I have only been out of my mothers house for 3 months. I cant cook anything, i hardly eat anyways. Nobody ever made any effort to teach me how to do things for myself. I know about as much as surviving in the modern world as i did when i was sixteen. There are so many papers to track and fees to pay and evrybody wants their fucking cut. If i had realized how much of your time and income goes to paperwork and just figuring things out like that i would have ran into the woods screaming. I actually used to think about that, and still do. Just walk into the national park and see if you can survive. If this is what human beings do with thier intelligence, then i dont understand how we can hope to strive for happiness. There has got to be a better way than throwing us into this confusing world and hoping we survive.

Hopefully by the end of next semester i will have a job as an apprentice bricklayer. I am thinking of trading in my car for a used truck. Will they pay you the difference?

I just cant escape the feeling that i am not who i want to be. It is bad enough living in a civilization i feel is rooted in self interest and greed, but I just dont know who the hell i am. I have been raised with all these dreams of exploration and discovery, i cant see myself working as a bricklayer for the rest of my life. I cant see myself doing ANYTHING this society has to offer for the rest of my life. I just feel like i dont have a place here, that i dont belong in these cities and this society. I think if a child really understood what a city was they would describe it as a place where people go to be mean to each other. I just feel like my dreams are killing me. Will sombody please tell me there is a way out of this without having to lose that part of me that gave me a reason to hang on? Is there any dignity to my plight?

i will survive, but i cant say if i will ever be able to accomplish anything more than that. I wish we could come together, us and everybody else, if even for a little while. I am not totally broke, but by the end of the month i will be close to nothing, and i will really have to watch myself. I will make it.


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#43087 - 07/31/02 11:27 PM Re: I fucked up bad
Harry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/09/01
Posts: 118
Loc: California
Surviving is so much easier if that's all you're trying to do. And it's not a bad thing either. Simplifying life to basic survival skills makes you feel all the more alive. I wish we could all come together too, and I'm gonna try real hard to get to the retreat in september but i don't know if that's gonna happen. I'll be back down in Southern CA in August for school though so if you need a friend I'll be around. I'm up for brainstorming ideas to put into action for male survivors too like you were talking about. I just hope you're able to come to this site if you sell your computer. I relate more to your posts than anyone else's and you have a real talent for expressing yourself. Try real hard to take care of yourself.
- John

_________________________
In the name of the Anger, and of the Sadness, and of the Unholy Fear. Amen.

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#43088 - 08/01/02 12:59 AM Re: I fucked up bad
Aptrick Offline


Registered: 06/26/02
Posts: 65
Loc: Nashville,Tennessee
As much as it may suck, have you considered a second job? Doing something for a couple of weeks or months might really get you straight with your money. And as far as life being against you, it is. But you dont have to let it win. Do what you must to see tomorrow; thats what being a survivor is about. Pursuing dreams is what living is about. To HELL with all the crap...bills, mean people, etc.; exist for your benefit. Escaping is something everyone wishes for.


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#43089 - 08/01/02 04:42 AM Re: I fucked up bad
Broken Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
I cant take a job without losing my disability. Its stupid, but unless i can make more than minimum wage there is no point in getting a job. I am not going to go into debt, but until i sell this computer i will have next to no extra income. I dont know when i will sell this thing though, maybe i can scrape 50 bucks a month together to save up. My mom, ironicly, bought another 6 months of insurance, i dont feel like i can even talk to her, and im not sure i want to argue. I feel like she owes me something for all the crap she put me through. Id rather find some bottom of the barrel company and pay myself, but fuck it, there are times when i just throw my hands up in the air. Colledge is going to be expensive for me even at 11 bucks a unit. But i think if i stick with this masonry thing i can get good at it. I think i can make it through this, i just made a really dumb mistake last month because i figured i had already paid my rent by the time i got my balance. I am starting to use my checkbook now, im not going to buy one thing without using it from now on. The more active i get the better i will be able to take care of myself, i will figure this out, i just felt really bad when i saw that. Maybe i will sell the computer maybe not, i dont know right now. I am just going to watch myself real close. I can do this. Somebody give me a hurrah before i fall over. Rally the troops, the wretch of the phoenix will rise again. \:\)


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#43090 - 08/01/02 02:14 PM Re: I fucked up bad
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
Kevin,

You are going ot be ok, you just barely got yourself out on your own and are just now learning how to deal with the day to day stuff and the reality of how your decisions shape the future for you.

I cant think of a better time for you to learn about money management and how it has to be paid attention to than right now. This is a great time to be learning those lessons, much better than years from now when you have a lot more at stake.

I think your doing really good, honest.

Keep your eyes open and think things through as best you can before you act, your getting the hang of this living on your own thing.

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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#43091 - 08/01/02 06:04 PM Re: I fucked up bad
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
Listen to what the other post said:
Quote:
I relate more to your posts than anyone else's and you have a real talent for expressing yourself.
I know I will read whatever you will write.

You have an incredible talent. Often the thing we do the best is the thing that comes so easily. You are a great writer.

While there may seem to be no clear path to "success" for you right now, know this - you are helping others who cannot express themselves, helping them to heal and to feel a part of the struggle you are so open in sharing.

That said - simplify, dammit! Find a $10 internet provider, sell just the computer part (keep the monitor, printer, etc.) for $500 so it sells fast and buy a lesser computer for $200, bingo! $300 in your pocket. Yes there are computers for $200 that work and are good. Emachines, Ebay, the penny saver, whatever it takes, and you can do it right from there in front of the screen. You can do it...crap, I'll help you if you trust me to.

Your mother owes you a lot more than a few months insurance, and you don't owe her anything in return. Even if she did nothing to you, she is your mother, she should help you when you need it. If she did do something, then think of the money as reparations for wrongdoing.

So, there, please know you ARE helping people, and that is very meaningful. I wish I could jack you into the cosmic goodwill that you have created with your writings. I know it would be gratifying to you.

Peace,
James

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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#43092 - 08/01/02 06:19 PM Re: I fucked up bad
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
And working with your hands is a very healing activity. Highly suggested.

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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#43093 - 08/01/02 06:57 PM Re: I fucked up bad
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Broken
I'm sure you'll work it out, why ? because you aint stupid - thats why.
What you write here is so strong, I'm sure you have the ability to get through your pain.
Yor first post on this thread was SO down it was painful to read, but you started thinking and the later posts show you are getting it together again. You do have a positive side, your college course, trying to live away from your problem family, and your willingness to help others are sure signs of this. Stick with these things Broken, make them work for you- but try not to expect all the results at once. Relish the results you get, build on them.
There's a hell of a difference between messed up and stupid, unfortunately it looks the same when we're experiencing it - believe me !!

Hang onto your computer for grim death, or at least access to one, we don't want to lose you.
We value your input, you have a very astute view of our problem.
But I know it's easy to talk a good fight sometimes, we all do it I suppose. But the more we talk it the better and easier it becomes, we WILL be champions.
Lloydy \:\)

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#43094 - 08/03/02 12:33 AM Re: I fucked up bad
Broken Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
Thanks guys, i try to raise morale as best i can, but i wasnt really aware i had that kind of effect. I'm gonna be alright. I am donating blood tommorow on saturday, they are giving out free concert tickets to see the scorpions, a big hair band from the 80s, but they are inspiring in a corny sort of way. I dont know when it is, but what the hell, might be fun. Thanks for supporting me, i just forget how little "things" mean, i am really afraid of losing control, not going totally broke. If I become a hobo, i will be a very determaned hobo. Thats the kick isnt it? Its not about how much money you make, its about collecting as many cans as you can.


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