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#430878 - 04/11/13 01:08 PM "Recovery"
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 606
Recovery.
Healing.
Getting 'over' it.

What do they mean...?

Is it forgetting? But you never forget the past.

Does it mean being able to enjoy life? But memories always bring you down. Intrusive thoughts, images. Triggers are everywhere. Flashbacks happen when you least expect it.

Does it mean being on guard all the time? It's tiring, and exhausting.

Does it mean maintaining your own self, your own voice? It's so rare I get to even hear my own thoughts in my head. Self-encouragements, positive self-talk...how do you keep them up constantly when the world is bombarding you...?

Does it mean being free of urges, compulsions, fantasies...? How can you control something like the unconscious?

Does it mean being strong? But it's so easy to feel weak. It seems natural. A few hours a day being strong? Maybe. Often possible. But the whole day, day in, day out? It's the little slips in strength that get me in trouble. Can't I rest for a little and be safe?

Does it mean being independent? But I'm always longing...longing for 'someone' to be there. And nobody is.

Does it mean developing good relationships? They always seem so fragile, ready to crumble...like a house of cards. Nobody stays. Ever.

Does it mean being 'fine' all the time, being happy, funny, sociable? But I'm usually not - it's a facade. To hide 'me', even from myself sometimes.

Does it mean trusting? Yet another time, before realizing it was all an illusion...?

...does anyone really 'recover'...? Are there those who actually keep burning with good after all this...all these years?

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#430879 - 04/11/13 01:53 PM Re: "Recovery" [Re: concerned_husky]
csasurvivor1992 Offline


Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
husky,

I logged on to post something similar. I wanted to vent. I decided to read instead. GLAD I DID! this is spot on how I feel a lot of the times.

"the world bombarding me" Just today, got a phone call from the boss and i felt attacked, overwhelmed, put on the spot as if I had failed something I should have done, and feeling like an instant failure. I hate that shit! Seriously? How the hell am I supposed to manage myself and the stimulation of the world around me? "normals" have a hard enough time without adding the complicated layer of childhood abuse.

I appreciate your post. I think those are important questions and they should be answered.

As I stand, I still question. But, I've lived too long asking and "proving" to myself how the "answer" is a life full of self-doubt and misery. So I'm trying something new with being in therapy and dealing with my emotions head on. so far, it seems to be working, at least it's better than doubting myself.

keep asking those questions and keep posting. it helped me, maybe it'll help someone else. more importantly, i hope you're able to find your answer by continuing to question.

thank you brother.
_________________________
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

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#430898 - 04/11/13 04:42 PM Re: "Recovery" [Re: concerned_husky]
Survivinguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 310
Loc: Colorado
Wow. Ditto! I came on during lunch time ready to vent about surviving total crap for over a decade and still being left holding this garbage sometimes everyday. Instead I read your post and thought, "Yea! What he said!"

And I can relate to csasurvivor's response - I'm in a new therapy which encourages me to challenge my "automatic thoughts" of self doubt and reduce the anxiety I create for myself in "catastrophizing" perceived circumstances.

I dont have any answers yet but on my good days I notice the sun feels warm on my face and the air feels a cool relief in my lungs.

I'm hopeful responses fill this thread with insight and guidance.

I'm hopeful you feel support, understanding and acknowledgment that your MS brothers here sympathize and relate to this struggle. Thank you for posting this!
_________________________
Survivinguy

============================================
I have to survive and I hope to thrive.

Alumni Dahlonega WoR May 2010
Alumni Sequoia WoR March 2012

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#430903 - 04/11/13 05:24 PM Re: "Recovery" [Re: concerned_husky]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: concerned_husky


Is it forgetting? No, you never forget

Does it mean being able to enjoy life? With healing comes the ability to take some pleasure in life

Does it mean being on guard all the time? The stress of being on-guard gives way to the ability to trust. Its a long slow process.

Does it mean maintaining your own self, your own voice? When you are able to make peace with what happened to you, you will find your voice

Does it mean being free of urges, compulsions, fantasies...? The urges, fantasies, and compulsions can be tamed, but not silenced

Does it mean being strong? You become stronger as you put the shame and anger where it belongs, on the man who assaulted you.

Does it mean being independent? Independence is part of being an adult. As you leave behind the boy who was hurt so badly, you can become the man should have been.

Does it mean developing good relationships? Relationships will always be a struggle, even for "normals". But we can find some ways to be comfortable enough with others to not be a hermit

Does it mean being 'fine' all the time, being happy, funny, sociable? No, enough facades. You find the freedom to be who you are, wounds, scars and all .

Does it mean trusting? Being a functional adult requires trusting others sometimes. It doesn't come naturally, but it can be done.

...does anyone really 'recover'...? Are there those who actually keep burning with good after all this...all these years? Recovery is a lifelong process. We will never finish it. Never be cured. But we can learn to live with what happened to us and find some happiness in life. We can gradually find a place where the pain, fear, anger, and self-hatred are no longer screaming in our minds. They can become mere whispers that no longer bring us to our knees.


I'm not just being optimistic. I've come to accept that I will NEVER get over what was done to me. But I AM learning to live with it, and still try to have a reasonably normal life. Thats all I can ask for.

Jude
_________________________
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

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#430904 - 04/11/13 05:43 PM Re: "Recovery" [Re: concerned_husky]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
C-Huskey-

These are insightful, thoughtful questions. Each one is worthy of a thread of its own. You may not have intended them to be treated the way I did, but I needed something of a linear, organized fashion to bring my world into order for a bit... today was therapy day... I really needed order tonight!!

So, I answered each question as if it were an open response item.

Recovery.
I sure as hell hope so. I know its out there, somewhere in the future and that is where I am headed.

Healing.
? Hope so. I have a few more good decades to go and I need to enjoy every day of them.

Getting 'over' it.
I will never "get over it". Tried that, thought I had, I had not. I repeat, I will never "get over it".

What do they mean...?

Is it forgetting?
I don't think it is forgetting, but perhaps its putting the past in perspective.

Does it mean being able to enjoy life?
Triggers are everywhere. And some are debilitating. When they occur, we just have to take a deep breath and deal with what it brings forth. Cry, shout, run, hide, whatever it takes. It always passes. Then we have to learn a coping mechanism for that particular memory or trigger, so we can remain in CONTROL next time.

Does it mean being on guard all the time?
Seems that way sometimes. I am friggin' worn out.

Does it mean maintaining your own self, your own voice?
I decided a few months ago that I was going to use positive, affirming self-talk on ME. I was a master in building others up, encouraging them, helping them build their dreams and ideals. (I taught in the public schools for 30 yrs.). I realized no one, including myself, had given me the same gift. So I did. I began the positive self talk. Felt silly at first, and then I began to like it, and then I began to see my attitude was gradually changing. And it feels good.... !!!


Does it mean being free of urges, compulsions, fantasies...? How can you control something like the unconscious?
This one is out of my expertise.

Does it mean being strong? But it's so easy to feel weak. It seems natural. A few hours a day being strong? Maybe. Often possible. But the whole day, day in, day out? It's the little slips in strength that get me in trouble. Can't I rest for a little and be safe?
C-Huskey... you can rest for a little while and be safe. You really can.

Does it mean being independent?
I longed for someone to be there for many years too. The one who came ripped me open emotionally. As I have begun healing inside, a few people seem to be lining up to be there, so there will always be someone. Some are emotionally healthy, some are not. I chose the wrong one last time, so at this point in life, I am going to get to know ME. I no longer have that need to be complete by having someone else beside. (...'sides, I have the therapist to talk to).

Does it mean developing good relationships? They always seem so fragile, ready to crumble...like a house of cards. Nobody stays. Ever.
I am still learning the relationship skills, fragile and otherwise. 55 and alone. Guess no one stays with me either... but I am becoming happier with each passing day...promise.

Does it mean being 'fine' all the time, being happy, funny, sociable? But I'm usually not - it's a facade. To hide 'me', even from myself sometimes.
Being 'fine' all the time is beyond exhaustive. Most of us live behind a facade of a personality. Sometimes its necessary, sometimes it advantageous. Is it required 24/7... I hope not. I hope there is a place and time in every day where we can all go and just rest.

Does it mean trusting? Yet another time, before realizing it was all an illusion...?
The hardest thing for me to extend to anyone is trust. I want to so badly and I know I am missing out on a lot by not trusting, but I don't. Not yet. Maybe never.

...does anyone really 'recover'...? Are there those who actually keep burning with good after all this...all these years
Yes. You must keep burning with good. Be good, be kind, be generous. Give. People do recover and become stronger. People do recover. The human spirit is resilient, but you must "keep burning with good". I hope, after all these years, that I am indeed well down the way toward recovery.

I wish you well, C-Huskey. These questions created an itemized listing that made me think about myself (sorry). I could see where I was with each one. I still have a lot of work to do, but man, I am better than I was. Thank you for making me think.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#430905 - 04/11/13 05:48 PM Re: "Recovery" [Re: concerned_husky]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 10:46 PM)

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#430992 - 04/12/13 09:11 AM Re: "Recovery" [Re: concerned_husky]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
And another thing....We HAVE to be positive about recovery.

I will not let that fucking son of a bitch who raped me, win this. He took my body, wrecked my past, but he can't have my future. I will not surrender one more minute of my life to him, not one more inch. I will either face it all, and learn to live with all of it, or die fighting.


(Was that too dramatic? Sorry its just how I feel.)

Jude

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#431006 - 04/12/13 11:06 AM Re: "Recovery" [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 606
Thanks for your response guys.

I had been pondering on this stuff a lot the past few days, don't really know where to start. It kind of seems to me that the negative experiences I have nowadays with just plain mean people, makes a strong impact on my mind. I've had maybe three or four 'friendships' with really unhealthy people the past few months, and on top of abuse memories, I get images of their faces or hear nasty things they said to me constantly. Constantly...come to think of it. And really I'm supposed to be having the time of my life traveling but I find myself getting shot down, somewhat internally...I guess self-sabotage in some ways.

But that's the end of my rant, hopefully. I did pick up some really good things from this and I'm grateful for your inputs. Dealing with emotions head-on. I think that's mainly being able to feel whatever your feeling, label it, and calm yourself down with positive self-talk. I tend to catastrophize as well, so I'll need to work on that...thing that most hit me though was the idea of 'choosing this is me'. Living with it in other words I guess. I don't know how it'll work out but I'm going to try to be conscious of this thought from now on and see how it goes.
_________________________
Husky

My Story

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#431028 - 04/12/13 01:56 PM Re: "Recovery" [Re: concerned_husky]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1490
Originally Posted By: Concerned Husky
...does anyone really 'recover'...?

Everyone has their own experiences, and the variables are practically infinite. In a real sense, you could say that everyone has their own truths. What is true for me may not necessarily be true for you.

That said, I do not believe in recovery. This is MaleSurvivor, not MaleRecover. To recover would mean that my current life is beyond the reach of my past experience, as if the simple span of time could outpace the sting of memory, effectively separating me from the indelible lessons I had to learn at a more delicate age. Is that true for you? Could you ever imagine it being true in the future? Those are not rhetorical questions which I ask - they are serious questions every survivor must face in their deepest moments of self-candor. For me - no. And no.

I see us as onions. The layers build over time, sometimes deceptively covering the core where we all started. Perhaps we think that because we don't see it, we are recovered. Until we realize that our entire lives have been wrapped around it. Sometimes that realization happens suddenly. Like when you get fired from your tenth job. Or when your butterflying heart pounds in your throat as you read about a respected coach molesting kids for years and holding them to secrets just like the ones you had. Or when your therapist, who you are seeing for something totally different like grief therapy, tells you that those dirty little secrets you kept for years don't belong to you - they belong to the older guy who made you keep them. Like when he sits across from you and tells you for the first time, "So you were molested." Or when one day, for no reason, you just break down and start sobbing and don't know why.

And sometimes the realization never happens at all. The graveyards are full of secrets never told and never heard, shame and secrets locked in a box never to be open, mummified by the heart and buried with it after its final beat.

Recovery - to me - is the wrong word. The right one is reconciliation. To reconcile who I am today with who I was is hardly what I would call recovery. Tearfully peeling away into the onion is painful. It means facing hard truths. For me, none of those truths included "recovery." But it has certainly been self-unifying, healing. I've learned to know myself, to keep confidence with myself, to trust myself, to respect myself. Nothing was repaired, no dragons were slain. I simply found a way to pave a highway back to me. I'll settle for that, because for too long I've lived outside myself.
_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#431042 - 04/12/13 04:58 PM Re: "Recovery" [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 606
Infinite variables. Own truths. Recovery = present being beyond the reach of the past. Graveyards full of secrets. Reconciliation. Paving a highway back to yourself.

Thanks Eric, these points are really helpful.
_________________________
Husky

My Story

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