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#430742 - 04/10/13 09:54 AM Re: MIND ISSUES - Part Two [Re: KMCINVA]
overcomer4life Offline


Registered: 02/25/09
Posts: 198
Thanks Kevin.

The "right to feel whole" is a thing I still struggle with...just being honest. The struggle isn't normally this intense, but I KNEW that the death of my grandmother would bring some things back to the surface that I didn't want to face or deal with.

It feels weird (in a good way)to know that I have a team of people who feel what I've been through and don't see me as a "tainted villain" in the situation.

I am humbled by the support. Seriously.

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#430752 - 04/10/13 11:44 AM Re: MIND ISSUES - Part Two [Re: overcomer4life]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1629
In time and surrounding ourselves with kind and compassionate people and forgiving ourselves for what happened seems to be the one way to feeling whole. At times I feel discombobulated,and other times not being in the here and now and some part of me taking over leaving me in the dark. Then there are days when I am with people who make me laugh, people I respect and those that respect me and then I feel whole. I am trying to become the latter person. We will get there someday. The MS people, therapy and support groups have been my saviors. Sometimes I look back and ask myself why am I still here and not like some of our fellow survivors who sadly fell to terminal consequences. I do not know the answer but somehow believe there must be a purpose for me being here.

I survived the abuse, a life of distrust and self loathing, being dismissed by members of my family but I seem to find the people who give me hope--they appear at the times I am in most in need. For them I am forever grateful and to those who have made my life a living hell--my abuser and those who dismiss me and CSA I am learning to say--you will no longer take me down to your level of immorality, your lack of humanity, your lack of compassion and understanding. I am getting there but I still harbor guilt and shame, but I believe I am on the road to healing.



Edited by KMCINVA (04/10/13 11:54 AM)

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#430753 - 04/10/13 11:49 AM Re: MIND ISSUES - Part Two [Re: overcomer4life]
overcomer4life Offline


Registered: 02/25/09
Posts: 198
We all are. I thought I was a lot further along the road until I got the news that my dad's mom was passing away. As soon as I read the message that she was "in her final hours" a lot of emotions resurfaced that made me realize that I hadn't gone as far down that road as I had thought.

Today, however, I am content with the fact that I am past the starting point...even if not at the finish line.

That's all I have, so...it's all I have.

I admire your courage in this fight.

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#430824 - 04/11/13 12:05 AM Re: MIND ISSUES - Part Two [Re: overcomer4life]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1185
Loc: New York
hey 4life,

This is a democratic society and the majority rules. I think that Kevin hit it on the head that once we've been abused we have a tendency to let others not only treat us poorly but take advantage of that tendency. I was lucky that I divorced my parents at 12 years of age and I haven't been living with them until 5 years ago. That was 50 years ago, but then I let that 20% take hold of me andI thought that I should be the good son. I moved them up from Florida 5 years ago. Now I feel like that pre 12 year old kid and I'm not free anymore. But now they are torturing not only me but my family and my kids families. My 7 year old grandson will not go into my parents apartment because he doesn't like my mother. So she treats everyone badly once again. Now I cannot forgive myself for what I did to my family.

In the end I was not able to, like Kevin says, free myself from their selfish actions. Make the break now you are already 80% there, go all the way to the finish line and you will finally be free of the abuse. You will have a life, but never look back or change your mind about what you did. Nobody deserves to be treated like a piece of shit.

Good luck

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#430871 - 04/11/13 11:02 AM Re: MIND ISSUES - Part Two [Re: overcomer4life]
overcomer4life Offline


Registered: 02/25/09
Posts: 198
I hear you! So far, this morning has been okay.

I sat in staff meeting with the big, professional smile on my face. I took EXCELLENT notes like the Admin Assistant of the Year and never missed a beat.

INSIDE, I can't help but wonder what people think of me because I am not heading to my own grandmother's funeral. Wondering who will really understand why and/or who just won't give a damn either way.

But on the outside....this smile belongs in a magazine!!! I could put the world's most popular supermodel to SHAME!

IF only they knew...

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#430988 - 04/12/13 08:33 AM Re: MIND ISSUES - Part Two [Re: overcomer4life]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1185
Loc: New York
Hey 4life,

My T heard me talking on the telephone to my shop foreman and he asked me afterwards that I sounded much different and I told him that's the fake me, the me I should sound like but the real me is what you know.

I think a lot, maybe too much, about what people would say about me if they knew I was a prostitute at the age of 12 and did that until I went into the USAF at 18. I hide a lot not wanting to show my face. Like you say "I only they knew...".

It hasn't worked yet but I try and say we aren't responsible for what we did or what was done to us. And as the general thinking goes we aren't. It is the people that used us, it's the people that caused us to think this way and to be all fucked up over what happened. We are not the bad guys. We shouldn't have to hide from anyone.

People have a hard time believing that a coach or close relative would do such a thing (sandusky comes to mind) to a child. These are the bad people. But when parents relatives or other people call you a liar that in itself is a crime. The same way I want to piss on my mother's grave I wouldn't give your relatives the decency to attend that funeral. These people assisted in a crime by calling you a liar. Go to the grave afterwards and tell her why your going to piss on her grave. Don't give anyone that attends the satisfaction of you attending. We all have to make a break at some point. We have to make a statement with our actions. We have to have them start thinking why we are not attending the funeral.

They just simply don't want to know about your pain. FUCK THEM ALL mad.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#430996 - 04/12/13 09:50 AM Re: MIND ISSUES - Part Two [Re: overcomer4life]
overcomer4life Offline


Registered: 02/25/09
Posts: 198
Very well said. I didn't go. I was at work all day yesterday...

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#431046 - 04/12/13 07:05 PM Re: MIND ISSUES - Part Two [Re: overcomer4life]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1185
Loc: New York
Hey 4life,

That was a very big step in your recovery. You don't need any more triggers than you already have. Shit that was brave of you. I think that was a very brave thing to do. That was a statement heard around your family.

I always wish people well but I really want to wish you a new beginning. I don't think that anyone would want to walk into a bad neighborhood so why go to a funeral with bad people.

I really hope that you were able to work OK instead of wondering why you didn't go or what people would say. Shit, that's a whole lot better than I can do towards my parents.

Good luck, let us know what happens when the shit hits the fan. I'm sure you will do a lot better know with that first big step.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#431143 - 04/13/13 06:56 PM Re: MIND ISSUES - Part Two [Re: overcomer4life]
overcomer4life Offline


Registered: 02/25/09
Posts: 198
I wondered a little bit, but overall it was an okay work day.

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