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#431429 - 04/16/13 11:14 AM Re: Disabilities [Re: hurting&tryingtoheal]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1388
Loc: California
I wish I could come to a place of acceptance about my disabilities.

I wish I could accept these. I can't.

I'm severely hearing impaired and I was born with crossed eyes (lacking depth perception / double vision). As a result of these, I miss a ton of social cues. I was teased mercilessly for my disabilities. I was severely traumatized because of my disabilities.

Add to that the neglect and CSA.

I grew up resenting that I was born with disabilities. They caused the schoolyard bullying. They caused the isolation I experienced growing up. They caused my life to be tremendously difficult.

There are manytimes I actually have felt like I was born in and grew up in hell.

And I know its because I can't accept my disabilities, the pain and trauma they have caused me. I don't know how to accept these.

I've talked about this for over 18 years with therapists, and I'm no closer to learning how to love and accept these fucked up things about myself.

I've been asking for help with this for all of my fucking life. No help came.


_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#431527 - 04/17/13 02:49 AM Re: Disabilities [Re: hurting&tryingtoheal]
pbert53 Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/26/09
Posts: 576
Loc: Washington, USA
Hey Hurting,

i too, suffer from body image issues.

i found out that i have Body Dismorphic Disorder

http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/mental-health-body-dysmorphic-disorder

With me, it is body size, privates size, body image.

i am disabled health wise and suffer from all the CSA stuff as well. So i understand you somewhat, but is your issue with some birth defect or accident?

i hope this helps, PM me if you want to go into more detail, i am an open book here at the site, for the most part.

Oops, i read all the posts after i had posted this.

i have the similar feelings about sex, i have Sexual anorexia.

Keep speaking up about it and you will find that others will support you and your ups and downs. i find that sharing my story helps me as well as reading others experiences and ups and downs. It took a lot of courage to make your post, Kudos!

take care

peace

paul
_________________________
If you cannot control what happens to you, you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.

~ adapted from: Sri Ram

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#431546 - 04/17/13 07:17 AM Re: Disabilities [Re: hurting&tryingtoheal]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1898
Loc: durham, north england
@Paul I dont' know if s/xual anorexia is the same as my direct genophobia. i've tried to get around this, to desesnatize myself but it just doesn't work, so any thoughts would help, since for me anything to do with s/x just brings up an instant pavlovian reaction of fear, even being seen without my shirt (I go to the swimming pool in a pair of swimming shorts and a waterproof t shirt). I've worked on some of this, indeed I've had success with my tactile defensiveness, and in the past year even been able to accept a hug from a girl without freezing, but it still doesn't do much for the genophobia. indeed, sometimes I feel in a real catch 22, since while I think I could! be able to form different associations if I had a loving s/xual experience, I can't have that experience because of the very genophobia that causes the problem, hence my resolution to just forget the hole thing and say to hell with it.

@magellan, why should! you accept disability? i hate those people who go on about acceptance. it's a bitch, and a pain, and missing social kews, eye contact and all the other crap which people use to interact is simply a bloody annoying thing. i've had far too many times sitting alone in a crowd feeling as though i were in the middle of a desert while everyone else communicates none visually around me. Things, often simple things like shopping take more effort, not to mention travel. it's a bitch. i walk into a pole I didn't see, i sware!

Disability is hard, there's no way of getting around that, and all those people who say accept it or live with it or it is a challenge are basically talking out of somewhere not connected to the brain.

one thing I have realized however is that I don't want to be the person who just gives up because of a disability. iv'e met too many other blind people who sit at home, in their own blind little world (in every sense), talk only to other blind people, live their lives in a completely subscribed way and reffuse to do anything for themselves!

that is not! me?! there are too many things I want to go out and do, and if they're harder, well i'll have to be tougher to do them.

Take a simple thing. I've met lots of blind people who are amazed at the fact I don't use a liquid level indicator, a small device which bleeps when water gets to the top of a cup to make hot drinks. The simple reason is that I like propper, freshly ground coffee, and such a device wouldn't fit over my cafetier. i'd rather learn to do the thing myself, use my finger tips and take care, than just forgo the pleasure of drinking propper coffee and live on instant as most blind people do.

or to take something more major. when I was eighteen, i was told by a director of a light opera society "your disability preccludes you from entrance" since then, I've struggled, i've met various directors, some have been complete idiots, some have been quite accepting. Next year I will be going to Bermingham conservatoire to studdy voice professionally. This does! tkae more work, dedication, energy etc, than just jo blogs who can walk into his light opera society and get parts, indeed I find myself qite jealous of some people for this.

Still, it's something I want to do and I'm not! going to be stopped by people's prejudices. There is too much in my life I've missed out on and I do! miss out on to want to miss this.


So magellan, my personal answer wouldn't be to "accept your disability" but to say "okay, so i've got partial deafness and a visual imparement, what do I want to do, I'll still bloody do it regardless!"

I don't know if that answer will work for you, but such is my personal feeling on the subject. It's not a positive attitude at all, or indeed one of those "you can do anything with a disability" it's just the admission that life is going to be hard, but the refusal to let that stand in my way.

@Burt, that is true about bullying. For me it was often things that were stupid, like having shiny shoes. It really doesn't make sense at all so much as just an us! saying there is someone out of the group who can be a victim. if I were to pick the route of all evil, i'd say it's not money, or even the love of money, but human's ability to group together and say "us!" and "them!" or still worse, "us!" and "him" (or indeed "her").

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#431576 - 04/17/13 03:49 PM Re: Disabilities [Re: hurting&tryingtoheal]
hurting&tryingtoheal Offline


Registered: 08/28/12
Posts: 28
Honestly, the idea of seeing my own viewpoint of myself as not being trustworthy in the same way that a holocaust denier's view of history is not accurate helps. My view of myself is probably a very skewed one, so I can't see myself in a positive light (at least in certain areas like physical appearance and maybe even the respect people have for me in what I can accomplish physically. Though, it does seem like people have less respect for me in that area than they used to).

That actually relates to what someone else said to me in another thread. To look around me and see that there are plenty of average looking guys with great women. I wanted to say that I have looked around and all I see is men who are better looking then me, which obviously means my view of myself is probably very much skewed if I see myself as inferior to all other guys.

However, I really don't want to just accept that this will always be the case. I want to learn to really like myself. I want to exude confidence, love, compassion and a love of life. So, for me personally this advice is something that may help, but for me only temporally.

As for the advice of just forgetting about dating, flirting, relationships...etc. while I am afraid of sex right now I really don't want that to always be the case. In fact, it is one area where I want to heal the most at this current stage and it may be related to my body image issues.

I want to heal from it, because one the two most important things I want to achieve in my life (the other being my career in the arts) is that I want to be a great boyfriend and eventually a fantastic husband and an amazing father. I want a very loving family so that I can one day have my future kids look at me and not even have to say anything, but I still know that they love their Dad with all their hearts and that I will always be there for them in any way that they need. It would give me a sense of completeness to my life, because my mother never did care for me or any of my siblings (she didn't actually touch me [at least not that I can remember] but she was always present when it happened to me). I would be giving my children something that I never had.

I want a beautiful relationship with a wife who loves me more than she ever dreamed she could love another person, and I want to love her back with the same strength. I want a wife who can take all the things I don't like about myself and be so loving toward those things. I want a wife who can hear about everything that I've been through and not run from me, but point out to me how strong I must be that I survived those things and not only kept going, but became a great man who is so very loving to her and she is so grateful to have found a man who is such a great father to her children.

I'm just not at the point, yet, where I am not also scared of this. I mean there are friends of mine (both females and gay men) who will post pictures of men that are shirtless and ripped and talk about how hot they are, and I think I'm not that. I'm not naive either. I know being in a marriage does not mean that my future wife will stop being attracted to men when she gets married. She will probably still find men like this hot. I know that doesn't mean she will necessarily cheat, especially if I'm able to find the right type of woman, but I want to be the man in her life who turns her head. I guess I just know that she will still be attracted to men like this, and I just want to be like them, because otherwise I just don't understand how she can be so attracted to them and think that I'm the hottest guy she's ever been with. That in every regard other men pail in comparison to me.

I know that people say that people fall for the person and then that person's body becomes the hottest thing to them because it is their body, but that just makes me feel like that is in a way an admission that I'm not attractive because I only became attractive after looking at me through the rose colored lenses of love. I want to be attractive, so that I don't feel inferior to these types of men anymore.

I have even read articles that give women the advice of quelling their man's insecurities by telling him "I'd rather have a man who is a great husband and father than a man with six pack abs". I hate that too, because in that there is the implication that I am lacking in the physical attractiveness department. That if she could have both a man who is a great father and husband and has six pack abs she'd rather have him. I don't want to be told something like that and I don't want to be in a relationship like that. I want to be the hottest guy she could ever imagine being with and have a personality that she falls in love with pretty hard too, and I want to fall for her in the exact same way.

This kind of relates to my fear of sex. My experience with sex is that it has been used as something to tear me down and point out any way that I don't measure up. the abuse I went through sent the message that I was a plaything and completely worthless and inadequate. It has been so painful, and I don't want to think about it for that reason. As well as for the reason of not wanting to fall back into the person I was before the healing in therapy began. I want to transform my perception of sex into something that is a much more healing, loving and beautiful experience.

I do have a small piece of news about the girl I talked about earlier in the thread. She came up to my line at the cafeteria I work at in the dorms we both live in, and she was in this black dress. So, I just told her she looked good, and it seemed like she may have blushed a little bit or at least if not physically it may have happened as like an internal thing, which felt pretty good. Though, at the same time I was a little frightened by this, because I didn't want to regress back into the person I once was in wanting a relationship so desperately. So, I didn't know how to process this experience if that makes any sense (there's more there for me to say but I'm just not sure how to articulate it).

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#431643 - 04/18/13 06:42 AM Re: Disabilities [Re: hurting&tryingtoheal]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1898
Loc: durham, north england
@hurting, to be honest it sounds to me like you don't just! want a relationship for it's own sake, or for the sake of the woman with whome you have that relationship, you want a relationship to change the way you think of yourself and to even change your physical self. I have not had the relationship experience myself so can't confirm, but one thing I have noticed is that a lot of people who go into relationships to fix something of themselves don't end up well since ultimately it is still you! in that relationship, and whether your built like Arnold Shwatzanigger or not, whether other men look at you and say "wow! that guy is really good looking" it's yourself and your own thinking about yourself that matters and nobody else can change that but you.

So many times I've got off stage and people have said to me "wow! your voice is fantastic" or people have said "oh, you are so clever" and I've felt nothing, indeed more than nothing, I've felt as if people were talking about someone else who is not me. it hasn't mattered what I! achieved because I myself could not recognize ithat is why i personally advise learning to view your own perception of yourself as suspect, since it has worked for me.

i remember quite recently, I was handing in the final draught of my phd thesis. I was certain that it was a load of crap, that I'd wasted my time, that it was no good. A friend of mine however said "has your tuter seen it?" I replied that he had. my friend said "well, don't you think he wouldn't let! you submit it if it was! a load of crap? don't you trust his judgement?"

and that was true. my tuter is a man I deeply admire and respect, as an academic, a philosopher and a very good teacher. Did I think my! bad judgement of myself so accurate that it over rode him? well no!

this is just what I mean.

During my abuse I was made to feel worthless, I was told in the most blunt and uncomplicated way that I was nothing, was disgusting,was diseased. s/x was just another form of humiliation and just another proof of how worthless I actually was.

What I realize now though is that those imprressions, just because I think of them so strongly are not! mine. They may be evident, they may exist, but that doesn't make them true however strong I might feel them. ~The uggly, clumsy, untallented stupid worthless person who I! perceive myself to be and who I see in the mirror isn't the same person others see at all, that person was created when I was a teenager. Ultimately, am I going to trust the judgement of a bunch of abusive bastards?

This is what I mean by denial, a rational recognition of where my judgement of myself comes from and a refusal to let it influence my actions. I no longer turn away from social functions because I am disgusting, and I dam wel submitted! my doctoral thesis anyway despite! what I felt about it, and if I want to get on a stage and sing, that is what the hell i will do do despite what anyone, including myself says about it.

with the relationship thing I can't really give advice. I freley admit my path is not easy and it's one I continue to follow. I know what I would! want from a relationship, and what I have given up in admitting that I cannot have one, and also what I can achieve myself without. Perhaps these are questions you should ask yourself as well.

One thing I have learnt in talking to female friends in relationships, is that it isn't t actually a question of how someone looks. A friend of mine once said that if said that if she had the money, she would ask a good looking man to stand in the corner of a room like a statue in a pleasing position as a work of art, but wouldn't ever considder having a relationnship with him just! because of how he looked, since he might be completely horrible.

What she loved in her husband was not his looks, but something more undefignable.

I can understand this myself, since to me, about %90 of women are! physically attractive, but this is so completely general it means absolutely nothing, and on the occasions I've fallen in love with someone it's actually been them! not their looks that I fell in love with. To me, saying someone is good looking means as much as saying somewhere has a nice pattern on their furniture.

I've confirmed this with several people of both genders, and while it's not exactly! the same for everyone, it at least does seem to be with enough people for me to conclude that physical attractiveness is at best only a slight balance in the scales of what causes relationships to happen, and therefore not something I worry about, indeed the "feeling of uggliness" is also soemthing I've noticed that is completely devorced from attractiveness as well, since I can be dressed in my absolutely most gorgious tuxedo, have several people comment on how good I look, and yet still! feel uggly as sin just because of the judgements I make about myself, which is why as I said I now try not to base any actions upon those judgements and act! simply according to what I wish to get done.

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