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#430726 - 04/10/13 07:41 AM Re: Infidelity and Responsibility [Re: Jemma]
Jemma Offline


Registered: 02/12/13
Posts: 17
Loc: England
That's very kind Bill, but I can get both in the UK quite easily, so its Ok. And thankyou also pittsburgh, I totally agree that very honest discussions are vital, and its good to know that its working for your relationship. That gives me hope that ours will heal, too.

Things have been a lot better between us this week. He bought me a huge bunch of red roses the other day and he continually tells me how much he loves me. I almost feel guilty about feeling all this hurt, but the pain is diminishing because I know he's serious about dealing with the abuse and its legacy.

I'm really looking forward to the day when we can say all this is a dim and distant memory, but we're stronger because of it.

I really appreciate your replies because you all have the voice of experience. That's worth a lot to me. Thankyou.

Jemma

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#430730 - 04/10/13 08:27 AM Re: Infidelity and Responsibility [Re: Jemma]
pittsburgh Offline


Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 89
Loc: west Chester, Pa
Thank you for your kind words. I would also like to point out that we have not done it alone. We have a wonderful "T". I would suggest a "T" who has experianced in dealing with male abuse, I was more comfortable with a male "T" I was more at ease with just felt there would be more understanding. Just a thought.Keep talking take care of yourself. Make time for the two of you via days trips or whatever to get out of yourselfs. Best wishes.
_________________________
it is and has been quite a trip thru life, as last I feel that I am in a better place, it takes work and in my case a wife the was and is forgiveing and helpful. At last a relationship has gone right, messed up three.

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#430765 - 04/10/13 02:21 PM Re: Infidelity and Responsibility [Re: Jemma]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 364
Jemma,

Just my 2 cents worth as a wife who has been on the crazy train for almost 3 years now.....I think it is very dangerous for you to be his accountability partner! I think he needs a man, preferably a man in recovery to be his accountability partner.

I think it will be hard for him or any other husband to be able to share that stuff with his wife (if they could, none of us would have to be here on a board like this in the first place)

It is a very romantic notion to be the one and only that he needs but you are asking for a heck of a lot of pain that you are too close to him to deal with. Been there, done that so don't be offended. Most of us have probably wanted that, to save them, to be the one they depend on but it is very painful and never fully workable, at least not for us.

For me, my husband's actions caused me to feel very disposable to him which I think is one of the reasons why I wanted to be something like his accountability partner, maybe to feel needed and indisposable, but this whole journey is so painful and it is LOOOOOOOONG and that is not my place.

Just my opinion. Hope you aaren't offended but do you really think tht after all the lies and such that your husband will just be able to be Mr. Honest with you and that is what an accountability partner is for. I hope he can find a man in recovery to help him so as not to torture you.

Feel free to pm anytime.

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#430766 - 04/10/13 02:25 PM Re: Infidelity and Responsibility [Re: Jemma]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 364
Also, as we have been on this journey for awhile, let me tell you how hard it is to hear about my husband's pain and shame. I really really want to scream JUST SHUT UP! Not to be mean, but it is sooooooooooooooooooo hard to hear his stuff and his pain. I love him but it breaks my heart to hear this stuff some time. After all this time, it has just been in the last few months that he has been able to share this stuff and believe me you, IT IS PAINFUL to hear.

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#430799 - 04/10/13 09:38 PM Re: Infidelity and Responsibility [Re: Jemma]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 350
Just my $.02 .....if it's worth even that much smile

People who have never been abused cheat all the time so it can't be solely about the abuse. I don't know all the psych stuff about infidelity but it may help both of you to look it in it's entirety and not tag it as a symptom of his abuse.

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#430809 - 04/10/13 10:12 PM Re: Infidelity and Responsibility [Re: Jemma]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 364
You may be right, Sugar, but I would venture to say that men who frequent prostitutes were probably abused. A healthy, happy and sane man would not do such a thing. It is beyond disgusting and creepy.

I knew at the beginning of my journey through this, that only a VERY wounded man would do such a thing and SA wounds deeper than anything. Doesn't stop me from being extremely irate about it though. wink

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#430812 - 04/10/13 10:39 PM Re: Infidelity and Responsibility [Re: lucylives]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Originally Posted By: lucylives
I think it is very dangerous for you to be his accountability partner! I think he needs a man, preferably a man in recovery to be his accountability partner.

I think it will be hard for him or any other husband to be able to share that stuff with his wife (if they could, none of us would have to be here on a board like this in the first place)



I have to agree here.

lee
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#430858 - 04/11/13 08:52 AM Re: Infidelity and Responsibility [Re: Jemma]
Jemma Offline


Registered: 02/12/13
Posts: 17
Loc: England
Thanks guys. I guess the issue of who is his accountability partner needs to be re-looked at for both our sakes. I have a background as a therapist, although in a different field, but it makes it easier to listen to his pain because of how I've been trained. Having said that, having a male outside of our relationship that he can relate to sounds like a sensible idea.

Lucy, I thought you made an interesting point about the men who use prostitutes having probably been abused. I'd never considered that to be the case before, but it sounds about right.

I think I understand, now, that we all have choices about our behaviour, and need to take responsibility for ourselves. I've put it into context and its useful for setting my own boundaries in this relationship.

Thanks everyone.

Jemma

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#430945 - 04/11/13 10:16 PM Re: Infidelity and Responsibility [Re: Jemma]
pittsburgh Offline


Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 89
Loc: west Chester, Pa
The essence of all growth is a willingness to change for the better then an unremitting willingness to shoulder whatever responsibility this entails.
_________________________
it is and has been quite a trip thru life, as last I feel that I am in a better place, it takes work and in my case a wife the was and is forgiveing and helpful. At last a relationship has gone right, messed up three.

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