Newest Members
kk90, Austintexan, Cancan, LS, PaulnMA
12256 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
closerthenveins (26), Nvolpicelli (24), Sven (19)
Who's Online
2 registered (aniceguy, 1 invisible), 47 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12256 Members
73 Forums
63116 Topics
441391 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#430744 - 04/10/13 09:59 AM anger is more useful than despair.
montecristo Offline


Registered: 03/15/13
Posts: 9
Loc: FLORIDA
Just a quick update.
Itís been a month since the Katrina of flashbacks made my levy give way to a massive flood of suppressed feelings and memories. It worked for over 25 years. Even when there was the occasional flare I was able to cope with it. There were always SSA urges and other sexual distortions and yes disfunctions but those in one way or another became part of my ďnormalĒ . some times clean means no dirt but sometimes the best you can do is not to allow the dirt to be seen, and that was me.
A month ago I lost complete control. My life upsidedown. Iím not sleeping, canít focus at work, I felt the shame and ager were consuming me. Started dispising my self, sometime to the point of hurting my self, but to my family and friends, a smile, jokes some times even comfort. I became so good at projecting what I was not I was amazed but repulsed by it at the same time.
Where do I stand now? I think Iím coming to terms with myself again. I canít continue like this, being controlled by anger and frustration and pain. I donít know how but I will become resilient. Itís said that what doesnít kill you makes you stronger, well here I am.
I will build a better wall, I will fight harder. I will not succumb to the hurt from my childhood and I will become a man. I canít turn back time to fix the past but I can fix myself to face the future. I might not succeed but I will not go down on my knees. Whatís the word? TO ARMS MY BROTHERS, TO ARMS.
_________________________
ďLife is a storm. You will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a man is what you do when that storm comes. You must look into that storm and shout: Do your worst, for I will do mine! Then the fates will know you as we know youĒ
Alexandre Dumas

Top
#430745 - 04/10/13 11:08 AM Re: anger is more useful than despair. [Re: montecristo]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
Good to read this. I've been in both anger and despair and despair feels worse but I think it serves a purpose. I could theorize what it is but I accept that it comes up and I can tell others about it and not have to live in it all alone without anyone else knowing about it.

I read a lot of connecting with old feelings and not wanting them to rule your life. I agree. For me, having safe places and safe people to tell about what I am feeling allows me to feel the feelings now and not avoid them and not have them rule me.

There are times of deep, deep feelings that are new but I believe I can feel them because I am ready and that is where the whole god doesn't give you what you can't handle/whatever doesn't kill you ideas come from.


I am learning to be bigger than my "anger, frustration and pain", to know that they are definitely a part of me and my life but just a part and the more I accept those feelings and don't push them away and then act out on them in some destructive way, the more I can see that they are feelings that pass and there are good feelings that are down there too. Those are harder for me to access.

Good reading, this post.
_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

Top
#430747 - 04/10/13 11:21 AM Re: anger is more useful than despair. [Re: montecristo]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 685
Loc: Southeast USA
Montecristo,

You have the right idea. Like a lot of us here, everything---years---decades of pain rush to the surface all at once. For me, I felt that everything around me was moving at triple speed. Work, family...the CSA acknolwdgement. Emotions toward the CSA also seemed to change rapidly.

I went from angry to sad and then fearful...rinse lather repeat. Recently, I have come to the conclusion that one emotion or approach does not fit all circumstances. They are tools in a box. When fear no longer works, I need to try another tool. Anger works for some situations...and then it doesn't. The trick here is to know when you need to try another tool. A good T can help you determine when this is. Eventually, we want to put the tools away when the project is complete...full well knowing that even masterpieces of architecture require maintanance.

Keep it up.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

Top
#430750 - 04/10/13 11:40 AM Re: anger is more useful than despair. [Re: montecristo]
overcomer4life Offline


Registered: 02/25/09
Posts: 198
You summed up my thought pattern for today. WOW!!!!

Top
#430751 - 04/10/13 11:44 AM Re: anger is more useful than despair. [Re: montecristo]
overcomer4life Offline


Registered: 02/25/09
Posts: 198
I THINK I AM GOING TO PRINT THIS OUT AND KEEP IT IN MY WALLET FOR REASSURANCE, ESPECIALLY THIS WEEK...

"I will build a better wall, I will fight harder. I will not succumb to the hurt from my childhood and I will become a man. I canít turn back time to fix the past but I can fix myself to face the future. I might not succeed but I will not go down on my knees."

Words really do have power. Thanks!

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.