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#430649 - 04/09/13 03:16 PM Re: Why can't I stand up for myself?! [Re: theIrregular]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
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Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 10:45 PM)

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#430679 - 04/09/13 08:38 PM Re: Why can't I stand up for myself?! [Re: theIrregular]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1046
Loc: The ATL
Hi iheIrregular. I have to say I couldn't help feeling an anger well up inside me reading your post. I HATE people like your supervisor and I have dealt with them far to often in my life. Fortunately for me, I haven't had to many of them as direct supervisors at work. I have dealt with them though, far more often than I would have liked and I, like you, have always had a hard time standing up for myself. In fact, scratch that, I've never been able to stand up for myself much at all. Saying I've "had a hard time" doing it is an understatement.

I often wonder how people like your supervisor wind up getting prompted into management positions in the first place. It doesn't make any sense, but it happens all the time. I said I haven't had to many people like your boss over me at work, but I have had a couple, although probably not as bad. I've had a few friends and family members who've told me similar stories to yours about their bosses though and it never fails to amaze me. You wouldn't think lazy, an asshole and a moron would be qualities that scream management materiel but apparently in some places they do.

I guess I don't really have anything to suggest that hasn't already been suggested. I wish there was an easy answer to your dilemma but there clearly isn't. I don't envy you here, that's for sure. If you keep letting him get away with it just to avoid confrontation, (probably what I would do were I in your shoes), you've let him win. If you find another job and let him drive you away from the company, you let him win. If you go to his supervisors about his behavior, things could get ugly. At that point you're basically going to war with the guy and working with him is probably going to be awkward and uncomfortable as shit after that to say the least. (Not that it isn't already.) If you attack him with a tire-iron in the parking lot after work, you loose your job and go to jail. That's no go either. Although, it would be a shame if something happened to him that looked like an accident.....right? cool

(Ha ha,.... just kidding about that last one.)

Anyway, keep us posted on your situation. I'll definitely be looking forward to finding out how you ultimately wind up handling Capt. Douche-Nozzle. Good luck, my friend. Peace,

Ken


Edited by BraveFalcon (04/09/13 08:41 PM)

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#430708 - 04/10/13 12:46 AM Re: Why can't I stand up for myself?! [Re: theIrregular]
theIrregular Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 52
Loc: Canada
As always, thank you all for your kind words. I will cherish them greatly. Also, I am grateful for all your suggestions. I haven't been able to think clearly since the incident.

I will go to my doctor again next week and get another written statement saying that I am not ready for regular duties, which I will forward to HR manager.
If the supervisor keeps asking me to do things, I just have to stand my ground and simply say "No!! I am not going to go against my doctors judgement."

I really don't want to lodge a formal complaint against him though.
Even if I tell him to never do something like that again, I feel like his argument would be, "Well, why didn't you say something right then and there?".
Even if I bring this to HR, and even if they take a look at the video from the elevator camera, all they will see is me not doing anything, just standing there.
I feel like I let the opportunity slip. Things would be different if I pushed him off (or at least tried to). I don't blame myself for what he did (I blame him for that), but I regret not doing what I should have done. I should have had my guards up and seen the potential danger before I even got in to the elevator. After reading your post, Focused, I realize I should have been more present.

If I complain and HR asks me, "After getting out of the elevator, you were seen walking with him. It doesn't seem like you didn't have any problem." I have no answer to that.
The same question would be raised about his other comments, "Why didn't you report it right away?"

Plus, he's one of the first employees that's been here since the company first started. So, he's pretty high up on the seniority list and if the company has someone as lazy and incompetent as him in a supervisor position, he must have some connections. And he's got the union backing him on many things.

Now if he tries something like this again, I'll have no choice. But for now, I don't see a way out expect to minimize (and avoid) interaction with him every chance I get.
I almost called HR today to request a transfer to a different terminal. But I really don't want to move because I found a great friend here who knows about my depression and we talk about stuff. I don't want to lose the friendship because of this supervisor. As Ken said, that would mean I let him win.

If I address the issue directly with him and tell him he crossed boundaries, I fear that I would be letting him know that he can actually get to me and that would be like giving him more power over me. At the same time, I don't want it to go unmentioned because if I don't say anything now, he might try something else. I just really don't like confrontation. For reasons already mentioned, I don't want to go to HR with this.

There are still thoughts that pop into my head that say, "He wouldn't have pulled this on anyone else. It's because of the way you are that he picked you!" That's a very dangerous place to be. I've got to redirect that anger and judgement in his direction - where it belongs. I recognize that after reading your posts.

I'll be back to work on Thursday. Hopefully, I can figure something out by then. I'll keep you all posted.
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theIrregular

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#430725 - 04/10/13 06:51 AM Re: Why can't I stand up for myself?! [Re: theIrregular]
Nathan-Tudor Offline


Registered: 07/09/11
Posts: 10
Loc: New York, NY
Wow, I'm really sorry for your peril.

We seem to be socially challenged in the same way. What mostly happens with me is that I generally hate people, whether I know them or not it doesn't matter. And the way I treat them should be enough for them to realize I don't like being touched or talked at for no reason. The only person I seem comfortable with is my editor. There are times when I think people can smell that "abused" stink that I seem to ignorantly give, and those with keen sense can smell it and use to their advantage, like being propositioned for fellatio at a mall bathroom and punched for refusing, having my door barred my a hallway neighbor because "He just wants to hang out", I just can't seem to adequately explain and tell them to leave me the hell alone or as you put it "Stand up for myself". Nate
_________________________
“If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”

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#430735 - 04/10/13 08:57 AM Re: Why can't I stand up for myself?! [Re: theIrregular]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Quote:
all they will see is me not doing anything, just standing there.
I feel like I let the opportunity slip. Things would be different if I pushed him off (or at least tried to)....

If I complain and HR asks me, "After getting out of the elevator, you were seen walking with him. It doesn't seem like you didn't have any problem." I have no answer to that.

The same question would be raised about his other comments, "Why didn't you report it right away?"


Does the above quote of yours remind you of anything?

Look at this statement in complete isolation. Could I not paste this into the transcript of a 10-yo being interviewed by Mom, Police, School Staff...?

Don't put any of this on YOU, and I see you did not by use of words, but i see it in your conclusions. YOU are not obligated to behave as a macho dude without fear (fear for ANY reason). HE is obligated to behave as a Supervisor in America. Thus, his behavior as a Super is subject to HR scrutiny and civil court...though he has crossed the line over to criminal assault by any state's measure.

If Mike Tyson were your Super, would you be writing these statements or something like "...clearly, I can't push-back or get in his face...this guy is known to eat people after beating them to near death." Again, you are under NO obligation in this nation to respond with someone else's idea of "manly behavior."

Now, no one wants to go into opening a civil case or filing a criminal complaint. These things almost always turn to shit and you will be the only one to receive it.

This turd is illustrating things to you. He's illustrating his complete desired dominance over you and as said here before, knows no boundaries. He probably speaks a language unlike your's. "Moron," or the "Fucktard Moron" dialect require careful use of words, body-language, timing and innuendo.

Turds of this nature rarely respond well to a quiet, side-bar conversation in private. They may, as you suspect, take whatever you give him in information and twist it into a weapon. He MAY do that.

DO NOT EXPECT HIM TO BE OTHER THAN WHAT HE IS! I had to learn this in dealing with my Father first, and many others later. Its a rule I try to live by and it NEVER fails me to be true!

Has he ever displayed care or reasonable compassion for anyone (especially you)? Has he ever displayed being considerate of any other human other than those with power over him? If YES, you have hope with him. If NO, then you might speak his language in a safe, informal confrontation of his personality and Moron Culture.

I've told no-boundary people like this "hay bro...you know...you gotta stop this shit. My father beat the holy fuck outta me all my life...so it kinda reminds me of that." True or not, its something many Morons can identify with. If he chooses to escalate and twist it into a weapon, I'd go to HR and remain consistent with your story.

I had to hold a private side-bar at least once where I actually cried in front of the Bully-Moron. He was a special breed of Moron and actually left me alone from then-on.

I don't know if any of this is helpful, but its all I have to offer on this. But I truly feel for you and think I know exactly what its doing to you.


Edited by Still (04/10/13 09:08 AM)
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#431072 - 04/13/13 01:31 AM Re: Why can't I stand up for myself?! [Re: theIrregular]
theIrregular Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 52
Loc: Canada
Wow!
So, the supervisor was off thursday. Today, he tried to get me to stack some bags. I said, "I can't. I'm not gonna stack for you. My flight is gonna be here any minute, I gotta go write down the times." As I walked away, he tried to extend his hand to give me a fist bump. I pretended not to notice it and he quickly withdrew his hand.

It seemed like he got the message. But, I will heed your advice, Still. I will keep my guards up at all time when I'm around him. Guys like these won't change their tune that easily. At the end of my shift, he signed out and was standing outside the crew room talking with someone. So I just waited in the room for about 5 minutes before taking a different route.

Also, I talked to a friend about this guy. Apparently, he's been known to call a couple of other guys, "honey" as well. Also, the touching was also seen before, although not to the extent to which he took it in my case.

Anyways, the other positive thing about today was I came out to this friend about my CSA (2nd person I ever told about it). She was completely supportive and understanding. I'd always been hesitant to tell her about it because I wasn't sure how she'd react, but today the words wanted to get out, barely. Overall, a good day - haven't had one in a while.

It's weird. A couple of days ago, I was sure I wasn't capable of this. Actually saying "No". I mean, yeah, I didn't say "No" today, I said "I can't". But it feels like I'm one step closer. Even if this situation reoccurs or escalates, I feel like I can stand my ground against this guy.
_________________________
theIrregular

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#431091 - 04/13/13 09:50 AM Re: Why can't I stand up for myself?! [Re: theIrregular]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1046
Loc: The ATL

Hello Irregular. Glad to hear you stood up for yourself. Keep at it.

Originally Posted By: theIrregular
Also, I talked to a friend about this guy. Apparently, he's been known to call a couple of other guys, "honey" as well. Also, the touching was also seen before, although not to the extent to which he took it in my case.


Yeah, when you have a guy like him who's in a position of petty power you can pretty much guarantee he's not just a dick to one person. He's probably an asshole to everyone to whom he feels like he can get away with it. If you keep bringing up his behavior to coworkers, I'm fairly certain you'll hear similar stories out of others as well. Perhaps if you can find a few other people who have the same problem with him, you'll increase the chances something can ultimately be done about his behavior.


Originally Posted By: theIrregular
Anyways, the other positive thing about today was I came out to this friend about my CSA (2nd person I ever told about it). She was completely supportive and understanding.


I've always had a better experience telling chick friends about my CSA than guy friends. Women are just better listeners and are naturally more caring and nurturing. Guys are more likely to get uncomfortable and to not know what to say. Guys are more likely to come across as unsupportive when in some cases they just don't have the emotional tools to deal with a sensitive situation. That is a generality, of course, but does generally tend to be true.

Originally Posted By: theIrregular
It's weird. A couple of days ago, I was sure I wasn't capable of this. Actually saying "No". I mean, yeah, I didn't say "No" today, I said "I can't".


"I can't" is fine. That's it. That's all you need to say. In fact, that may be better than saying "no" forcefully. This is your work place after all and it's always best to be as diplomatic as possible, even when standing up for yourself. That doesn't mean you're not standing up for yourself, it just means you're playing work place politics, which we all have to do. Thanks for keeping us posted. Peace,

Ken

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