I'm sorry to even keep this going. I write only in hope that someone or people will glean bits of value for future kids.
And so as a youngster you thought you needed a knife to protect yourself. So what, man? At least you were smart enough and brave enough to carry one.
The knife incident probably sealed my fate. Using it caused a virtual shit-storm to pour down upon my head for years. Though I did not go to juvie, I now think I may as well have gone. Every kid, every adult, the police, my family, my extended family, the school faculty....everyone in my fucking stupid life felt weapons-free to attack me face-to-face; Greatly the way I feel license to walk up to a pedo and tear into his soul.
I've said this a million times: "it is truly amazing what adults will say to a child when no one is nearby."
You know rumor mills. I eventually became the John Dillinger of my small town.
Imagine what that does to a child...to an 8-yo! I was isolated by it. Vilified by what i did. Victim to a frenzy of free hate. We grew-up in the "free-love" period. Well, I'm here to tell you, free-hate comes easier to people than love.
I actually expected to be killed for a while there. The adult anger and older-peer hatred and anger was kind of vivid. I think it was a reasonable suspicion.
So there was no REAL outrage in my spirit whilst kneeling on that basement floor, or face hard to the wall. There was no thought of escape or ending it.
These are deadly realizations. These elements of "self" completely stopped my earthly life.
These elements bound my soul and spirit...ability to live...for 7 long years. And what they did create, you see today. Feeling sub-human, brother to dirt, mind and memory of hell's escapees.
I'm not even allowed to express current fears, issues and misery, as I fully know what it will cost me via a pig of a family court judge who allows me to be my kids Dad so long as my shit is intact. Yeah...how do you like that?
I can't even fire a red-flare when I'm in serious trouble. You say: "but if yer about to die, isn't it worth it to fire the flare?"
Firing the flare will guarantee
a horrid loss; one that I will never
survive and do not care to live through. Its worth it to not fire that flare and just hope to keep floating to some degree.