Newest Members
Serenity40, markm, hans32, SilentNoLonger, masryt
12132 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
casey (45), flaredsoul (31), Madcap (29), susie24 (59)
Who's Online
0 registered (), 67 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12132 Members
73 Forums
62560 Topics
438340 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#430427 - 04/07/13 03:50 PM Turning our heads the wrong way...
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1211
I'm having some mixed feelings lately about recent posts from a single member here. While my sense of decorum here makes me think it inappropriate to name him, the fact is that he has been very open and public in his dialogue. For those unfamiliar with his posts, it is not necessary to have read them in order to understand the points I am making here.

In the threads he starts - which inevitably get yanked by the moderators - he discusses in uncomfortably accommodating language his pedophilia-laced perspectives, ostensibly looking for guidance or shared perspective from others - for help. And I don't really know what bothers me more - the disturbing sentiments he expresses or the fact that they get quietly shut down.

It may help to know where I am coming from, so allow me to explain. I have not posted my story officially here, although I did sketch an outline in my intro (my signature below is a link to that). Essentially I was the victim - along with a lot of other children in our neighborhood - of a pedophile. When he was caught, only a few of his many victims were known. The vast majority of us remained in the shadows, happy to hide from the anger and indignation around us as if we might be to blame. As his only boy victim, I was quite literally (and unwittingly?) handed over to him by the handful of neighborhood adults who took charge of the issue. As his "little sidekick," I was told to "keep him away from the girls." I was about 14, and the abuse had been going on for a year or two. But it was at that point - when he was caught and "punished" - that my abuse got a LOT more intense in just about every way - the frequency, the hushed urgency, the sexual intensity and the layers of confusion and shame I was forced to bear and couldn't say no to. I suddenly became the only outlet for a guy who was used to dining on kids like he was at a buffet. He would often remind me that if I failed to yield, he'd have to start in on the girls again and it would be my fault. The adults put the problem on my little shoulders - and he knew that and played it for all it was worth - for all I was worth.

So shut it up and shut it down, right? Sweep it under the rug, sweep it out the door, sweep it from any possibility of offending others. If we don't see it, it doesn't exist. And then? Well, I spent the rest of my childhood with my finger in the dike, holding back a tide of secrets, protecting not only the bodies and souls of the little girls who did not understand it, but the sensibilities of the adults who did not want to look at it.

Does this sound familiar at all? Think of Jerry Sandusky and Penn State, the Catholic Church, the Boy Scouts, the Horace Mann school, or any number of other situations in which children are abused once by the molester, twice by the people who see and turn their heads. The precise thing that triggered me to come here to MS was the described shower episode at Penn State that McQueary flat saw. And it continued for years after that because he ultimately turned his head. He took it to Paterno and wiped his hands of it all. Paterno gave it to Schwartz and Curley and did the same thing. And so on. Where does this cycle stop?

And while I understand that this is a "survivor's" site and not abusers anonymous, is that a refuge from accountability? Abuse thrives when heads are turned. And when we as adults - as survivors - don't deal with it, you can probably guess who does - the future members of MS. For me, I have no illusions of recovery. I'm quite certain I won't "recover" from this, whatever the hell that means. I'm still just discovering what wreckage this has made of my life and it will be all I can do to just understand that in my lifetime. Recovery? Maybe if I lived another three lifetimes.

But here's the deal. When I read this guy's posts, it's like I'm looking in that Penn State shower. And I don't want to be another McQueary. I don't want to just shut it up. I want to address it and really try to stop it. If my time here at MS is marked by anything, maybe it's this: that because I was here and witnessed and listened and answered and shared, someone else doesn't have to be here.

So I would like to think that this poor individual who posted these objectionable items is sincere in his efforts to avoid hurting anyone else. And I would like to think that he is just not being ignored or reprimanded, but getting the kind of reasoned guidance and direction to professional help he needs, perhaps in the quieter rooms of MS. I hope he is not being treated like MY molester was - just shut up by angry voices and swept underground. Because that's why I'm here.
_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

Top
#430430 - 04/07/13 04:04 PM Re: Turning our heads the wrong way... [Re: Chase Eric]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Eric,

I saw the posts you're talking about and understand the reason they were yanked.

But this site can still help that person (and those who struggle with avoiding temptation to harm children). There are other forums specifically for "At Risk" individuals - I think you have to have a membership to access them, but I'd be very surprised if an earnest request to the mod staff wasn't enough to get in. They're not being left out in the cold.

And I honestly think that's a good solution... because honestly... there are enough people here with enough problems without having to feel like there's one of "them" among "us." If folks struggle with dangerous urges but haven't done anything, they haven't done anything bad yet and should be commended for their self-control and aided in that in any way *that does not unavoidably expose the majority of users to the subject matter or voice*.


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

Top
#430438 - 04/07/13 06:50 PM Re: Turning our heads the wrong way... [Re: Chase Eric]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 997
I also saw the posts and understand why they were yanked.

I couldn't determine if the guy posting them was intentionally trolling us, or seriously asking for help but was simply tone deaf as to how triggering his language was.

I feel sorry for the guy if he just doesn't understand that MS isn't just another <anonymous web board>. One can't just post anything here without thinking how it will affect the others.

Many of us, including myself, have made mistakes here where a thoughtless comment has triggered someone unnecessarily. So sensitive subjects need to be handled sensitively, and the poster in question certainly failed to do this.

Even if he was granted access to the At-Risk forum, he would need to evaluate the tone of his posts to dial down what comes across as aggressiveness and defiance.

Cant


Edited by cant_remember (04/07/13 10:19 PM)
Edit Reason: removed specific names of web boards
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

Top
#430464 - 04/08/13 02:18 AM Re: Turning our heads the wrong way... [Re: Chase Eric]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
I have to admit that right from the start, I've felt uncomfortable with the tone of many of this person's posts. I don't mind anyone sharing their struggles, but I don't think it is acceptable when someone goes that far towards justifying pedophilia. And drug abuse.

I'm glad the posts were yanked. They were seriously triggering. And considering how brutally I've been moderated, without explanation, for much less (well, actually I'm still not sure why), I was surprised and hurt to see that his posts stood for so long...
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

Top
#430496 - 04/08/13 08:07 AM Re: Turning our heads the wrong way... [Re: crazy gecko]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1211
Originally Posted By: crazy gecko
I have to admit that right from the start, I've felt uncomfortable with the tone of many of this person's posts. I don't mind anyone sharing their struggles, but I don't think it is acceptable when someone goes that far towards justifying pedophilia. And drug abuse.

I do admit I only remember a post about questioning himself if he was attracted to kids or just to the idea of being a kid again. It actually seemed quite candid and a bit too nuanced to be a troll to me. But after that, I've seen mainly yanked posts. So I should add the caveat that I am assuming he is truly trying to work through problems and not just trolling or antagonizing.

Quote:
I'm glad the posts were yanked. They were seriously triggering. And considering how brutally I've been moderated, without explanation, for much less (well, actually I'm still not sure why), I was surprised and hurt to see that his posts stood for so long...

I would certainly think you are due an explanation. Have you asked why?
_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

Top
#430558 - 04/08/13 07:51 PM Re: Turning our heads the wrong way... [Re: cant_remember]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1049
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: cant_remember
I also saw the posts and understand why they were yanked.

I couldn't determine if the guy posting them was intentionally trolling us, or seriously asking for help but was simply tone deaf as to how triggering his language was.


I've had the same thought reading this member's posts as far as not being able to tell if he was just a pure troll or was being genuine. Several weeks ago, when he first left a post about being "attracted to boys", I was certain he was trolling. When I first read that post, it didn't have any responses yet and I almost was the one to write the first. I was about to reply, "Um, I think you're on the wrong website" and say nothing else but I decided not to. I figured I'd wait to see where it went, and where it went was straight into the trash can.

I'm kind of on the fence regarding whether those threads should have been pulled or not. Eric makes a lot of really good points and I agree with a lot of what he says. However, I also can understand why the threads were pulled. I understand why it's a difficult and sensitive issue and a problem that there almost is no right answer for. I'm glad I'm not the one who's faced with the decision of what to do with those types of threads when they pop up.

Originally Posted By: cant_remember

I feel sorry for the guy if he just doesn't understand that MS isn't just another <anonymous web board>. One can't just post anything here without thinking how it will affect the others.

Many of us, including myself, have made mistakes here where a thoughtless comment has triggered someone unnecessarily. So sensitive subjects need to be handled sensitively, and the poster in question certainly failed to do this.


Yeah, he did. I think if this poster, or any others who may be out there struggling with the issues he has, sincerely wanted to discuss those issues on this site and genuinely was seeking guidance, compassion and help, there would have been better ways to go about it. Perhaps it would have been a better idea for him to have spent some time here getting to know people a little better and build a trust and a comfort level with his fellow posters before letting that particular issue out of the bag. Also, if you're going to admit to something like that on a site like this one, there is probably something to be said for maybe using a little subtlety and tact. Perhaps it's something that would be better to admit to gradually. Maybe hinted at before it was admitted to or something. You know, instead of basically just kicking the door open and blurting out "Hey everybody, I'm a pedophile!" Or, perhaps no discussion of that issue has any place on this board whatsoever. I'd think it probably does but then I haven't even been posting here that long so, what the hell do I know? Peace,

Ken

Top
#433233 - 05/02/13 01:33 AM Re: Turning our heads the wrong way... [Re: Chase Eric]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 226
Loc: Germany
I do agree too that these posts from this individual have been triggering, whether or not he is honestly struggling and genuinely seeking help. I do feel, however, that as much as this is a safe discussion board, certain other posts, such as news reports concerning abusers, can themselves be quite triggering.

Sometimes after I calm down from a trigger or flashback, I think of what my therapist said about them. They are a sign of the brain/mind trying to make sense of the complex range of emotions and memories, and often triggers are something that pulls one along in their recovery journey. It is like a difficult math equation: one does not solve it by avoiding it. One needs to work through it, experience frustration and failure, until they work out how to handle the problem and solve it. This takes years.

Eric, you said that you do not expect to recover. Don't give up like that: we cannot erase what happened to us and how it has affected us, but we can work our way through it and figure out how to improve our lives. Recovery is a journey, not a destination. Just as one always learns throughout life, one will continue on this journey of "recovery" forever.

One "positive" we can garner from such a triggering post is that seeing the perspective, or the "humanity" behind what makes someone commit certain acts (i.e. the part which is out of their control, being the initial attractions) might help us to somewhat come to peace with the things we cannot change. People have all kinds of dispositions we do not like, but we can develop compassion (on a basic humanistic level) to find them help and prevent the cycle of abuse-enabling. Having insights helps us come to peace, if not for the other, at least for ourselves. I could never forgive a mindless monster, but I could however work towards someday forgiving the actions of another human being.
_________________________
H.U.G.S.- Helping Us Grow Spiritually

Top
#433234 - 05/02/13 01:43 AM Re: Turning our heads the wrong way... [Re: Chase Eric]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 997
I contacted this guy via PM to ask him what his deal was, and he told me to "piss off."

So, there you go.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.