Newest Members
Lumpy, squeekinby, rhyoung, Jefferson22, OxfordArms
12369 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
drivejoepublic (44), eagle299 (43), H18 (21), JJJ (43), mariposaman (63), SevenTwoTwo76 (39), TexAgMan (37), waiter (44), wgwarch (55)
Who's Online
3 registered (3 invisible), 19 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12369 Members
74 Forums
63582 Topics
444216 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#430482 - 04/08/13 03:46 AM CSA Didn't Make Me Gay
lukedamien Offline


Registered: 04/05/13
Posts: 68
Guess the title says it all.

I just never liked chicks like that. It's internal markers. Either I like dudes only or I like chicks only. Or I'm bisexual and I like them both. I always like dudes. So if csa made me like that then every gay or bisexual dude had csa in my mind. Cause that's a definition to my homosexuality. That's the same as just saying we all had dudes molest us. Not so.

Sure I was forced into sex as young as ten years old. But when it came to sexual identity. I always knew I liked dudes. It's never was a question to me. I told my mom when I was fourteen that I was gay. I dared her to say anything good or bad about it. She didn't say anything. I even bought dudes home. I just knew I was and accepted it. Course I didn't really have a reason to hide it or struggle to accept it. My csa was very much known to her. So I just didn't bother hiding it at home or school. They actually had a good gay-straight alliance program there. And mostkkids at my school were cool with it.

Lots ended up at my house anyway.

I'm rambling. The bottom line was that I don't believe I was made gay by my csa at all. I just know for me that it's in my genes. I knew it there and then and never once struggled to accept it. Gay programs in schools are priceless. Every school should have them.

Top
#430489 - 04/08/13 05:59 AM Re: CSA Didn't Make Me Gay [Re: lukedamien]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Great, encouraging, positive post.

Huge contrast with my perspective. At 14 - just prior to my CSA - I was told by (abusive) adopted parents I was "choosing" a life in which I'd be lonely, isolated, reviled, etc. Hard to imagine today, but they even sent me off to a therapist (who then jumped to his death from the roof of the medical bldg...my first taste of shadenfreude, even way back then).

Interesting, too, the surviving mommybitch is today lonely, isolated, etc. Karma.

So, for us older fags, a story like yours is damn satisfying. Thanks for posting it.

Top
#430540 - 04/08/13 04:58 PM Re: CSA Didn't Make Me Gay [Re: Lancer]
lukedamien Offline


Registered: 04/05/13
Posts: 68
No problem dude. I watched movies where they said back in the days they sent homosexuals to psychologist. I read somewhere that it took a while to medically confirm it's not a mental illness. What total bullshit. Especially considering the fact the earlier civilizations not only approved of it. But it was common everyday practice openly to the point of pederasy. Not that I approve of that. Thanks for the encouraging words. I thought maybe what I wrote could have been offensive

Ttyl

Top
#430565 - 04/08/13 08:32 PM Re: CSA Didn't Make Me Gay [Re: lukedamien]
dumont Offline


Registered: 03/28/13
Posts: 34
Loc: No where
This is a funny thing for me.
I don't know, I really don't. But to be honest I think my default is being with men. It' what I know and what I'm use to.
I tried being with a girl once when it was what I wanted.
It didn't work out. I think I am use to being controlled or something.
I love being with the right man, I love being held with strong arms, and there are other things I like.
But I feel somehow it's not really the choice I would have made.
ok now I am rambling.
So I think that what happened to me and for the length of time it spanned ...maybe that's why I am the way i am.
dumont.
ps if this makes no sense please tell me

Top
#430583 - 04/08/13 10:59 PM Re: CSA Didn't Make Me Gay [Re: dumont]
lukedamien Offline


Registered: 04/05/13
Posts: 68
It makes sense dude. I've always wanted a definite yes or no. White or black. Right or wrong answers in life. But I'm seeing that life is objective and everything isn't always white or black. Life is shaded with gray

Ttyl dude.

Top
#430627 - 04/09/13 08:55 AM Re: CSA Didn't Make Me Gay [Re: lukedamien]
dumont Offline


Registered: 03/28/13
Posts: 34
Loc: No where
seems life is shaded with gay actually, lol

Top
#430669 - 04/09/13 07:09 PM Re: CSA Didn't Make Me Gay [Re: lukedamien]
dumont Offline


Registered: 03/28/13
Posts: 34
Loc: No where
OK so my heart just got kicked around by a guy I thought I was a friend but I guess I was in serious crush mode with.

Yup put me in the faggot column for at least 5 more years; then I will look at my options.

sigh

Top
#430692 - 04/09/13 11:19 PM Re: CSA Didn't Make Me Gay [Re: lukedamien]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Germany
I accepted that I was gay BEFORE my CSA ever happened. I wanted to meet older gay role models and went online where I would end up finding predators who used me int child porn etc. That for me is my evidence that CSA did not "make" or "turn" me into being gay, but created all sorts of other issues which afflict(ed) me such as PTSD and the pyschological harm and guilt-complex.
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

Top
#430724 - 04/10/13 06:00 AM Re: CSA Didn't Make Me Gay [Re: lukedamien]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Perhaps a little OT, but good for perspective on coming out, if at all, "way back when":

For film fans - it's on Netflix - I'd recommend "Advise and Consent" from 1962. Even a possible mindset of various anti-gay politicians today, before they're finally outed. But a later portion of the film (it's over 2 hours, so you have to be into the B&W genre of 1960s films like "Fail Safe", "Seven Days in May" and "Manchurian Candidate") gives a good glimpse into a world quite similar to the one in which I lived.

Gay bars had nondescript street fronts, rarely any indication of even the bar's name...as was MY first gay bar. What oh what was a gayboy like me to do until he turned 18 (the legal drinking age at the time)?

In the movie, the chairman of a Senate committee, from Utah no less, is discovered to have had a ho-mo-sexual [my hyphens] relationship with another vet - imo, who's kinda hot for the 1960s - when they were stationed in Hawaii. Politician commits suicide.

For good measure, a PSA, "Boys Beware" (friggin' Inglewood?) is another classic in which ho-mo-sexauls are "sick" or "mentally ill", prey on teenagers (go figure) and drive Fords (Fairlane and T-Bird, car buffs!), except for one at the end who drives a Chevy identical to the police lieutenant's car. shocked

Of course, the films are completely at odds with my perp...married, four kids, "respected" school admin, scoutmaster, church deacon. In that environment of secrecy and shame (for a gayboy) he could operate with impunity.

Sooo, between possible suicide and likely arrest, parents were terrified and felt they were being responsible by sending their queer kid off to a T or psychiatrist. I think, seriously, some of those queer kids ended up being Republican politicians.

Top
#430763 - 04/10/13 02:19 PM Re: CSA Didn't Make Me Gay [Re: JayBro]
lukedamien Offline


Registered: 04/05/13
Posts: 68
Sorry to hear this. I use to think only gay dudes preyed on boys. But from experience I've learned that sexual preferences is the least factor in the equation. Most of the straight adults the sexually assaulted me needed straight dvd porn to even get started. I wondered about that until I read some materials regarding it.

I hope that it doesn't seem like all gay dudes prey on boys to you. It's the only reason I bought this up. I'm 19... OnceI turned 18 I directed my attraction for sex to dudes 18 and over. It's a illness that make dudes target boys and girls. At least that's my opinion

Take care.

Top
#430764 - 04/10/13 02:20 PM Re: CSA Didn't Make Me Gay [Re: Lancer]
lukedamien Offline


Registered: 04/05/13
Posts: 68
Thanks

cool

I'll check it out

Top
#430787 - 04/10/13 07:21 PM Re: CSA Didn't Make Me Gay [Re: lukedamien]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Germany
Hey lukedamien! Thank you for your response. I've been feeling a little triggered as of lately, but it is nice to read some acknowledgement from another.

I don't think at all that gay men are all abusers. However, certain men who look like and remind me of my abusers creep me out though.

I actually was the leader of an LGBTQ health awareness and resource group for 2.5 years during university and became well acquainted with the prejudices and stereotypes associated with Queer men, and how unfounded they were. However, my volunteer work did show me how largely apathetic the gay community is, and how fragmented it has become- very little in the sense of "community" actually. It is very involved in materialism in those places were rights have been granted and many feel or grow up believing that the fight is over. I thought when I was 18 and going to university I would be meeting a wonderful, healing, and inclusive community that would show me what I was looking for when I was 13 and first started going online to meet other gay people (men). Yet that was not the case


Edited by JayBro (04/10/13 07:22 PM)
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

Top
#430789 - 04/10/13 07:40 PM Re: CSA Didn't Make Me Gay [Re: JayBro]
lukedamien Offline


Registered: 04/05/13
Posts: 68
You're welcome Jay. I understand what you mean by some dudes looking like the dudes that hurt u. Same here. I live in a different city than I grew up in. Only really an hour drive away. But I somehow fear some dudes from back then. I also have a slight fear of dudes that have the prison type of tattoos because some of the dudes back then had them. I hope I didn't sound rude in the reply though. I just try to be myself. I know this site is for healing. Maybe it's still too soon for me to worry about dealing with it all and try healing. I think maybe it's too soon. I'm still at the stage in life where I want to make friends and find out where I belong. Guess I'm not to mature right now. But I'm trying to be. Can I ask when youstarted to deal with all of it. What age I mean

Top
#430805 - 04/10/13 09:55 PM Re: CSA Didn't Make Me Gay [Re: lukedamien]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Germany
I only started to deal with it just after I turned 20, and the abuse stopped when I was around 18. I am only 21 going on 22 now.

I sometimes still see two of my abusers who raped me when I was intoxicated a few years ago. They are on campus (one was in one of my lectures last semester, and other was part of a panel with the university student union, helping to interview for a job-- that was so incredibly difficult to do and keep professional). So it many ways, it all still feels quite real. And the computer desk where the online stuff happened when I was kid is still there by my parents. At times I cannot wait to be geographically removed from these places which bring triggering memories.
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

Top
#430916 - 04/11/13 06:40 PM Re: CSA Didn't Make Me Gay [Re: lukedamien]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 10:47 PM)

Top
#430942 - 04/11/13 09:50 PM Re: CSA Didn't Make Me Gay [Re: bodyguard8367]
lukedamien Offline


Registered: 04/05/13
Posts: 68
So beautiful dude. Gosh I cannot believe how lucky I am to be here. Thank you.

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.