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#430462 - 04/08/13 01:56 AM .
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (04/20/13 08:38 PM)

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#430476 - 04/08/13 03:16 AM Re: Dissociative amnesia and hypnotherapy [Re: Life's A Dream]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
Hang on LAD, I hope therapy will be successful for you.
I don't like to be asked for my therapy sessions sometimes as there are things that I don't wanna share. I have couple good friends who know what is happaning and some of them have been asking me about it from time to time.
Many times I needed to say that things discussed there were too sensitive to be talk about later.

Please try to be protective for self.

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#430505 - 04/08/13 10:25 AM Re: Dissociative amnesia and hypnotherapy [Re: Life's A Dream]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1046
I am also recently experiencing feelings of grief and loss. We are mourning our potential selves that were killed by the CSA as we come to terms with the lives we have now with the understanding that the CSA put us on this life path.

We have every reason to mourn the loss of ourselves. It's a healthy feeling to have, even though it feels terrible. It means we're not denying it to ourselves any more. We are accepting the true impact of CSA on our lives, even if we don't remember it, and that impact is that it killed us before we even knew what life was.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#430509 - 04/08/13 11:20 AM Re: Dissociative amnesia and hypnotherapy [Re: cant_remember]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1782
I am going through this phase now, grieving the loss of so much of me--the child and the childhood I lost and how it did not allow me to become the person I should have been. It is a difficult process, emotionally draining and very confusing. I am grieving for a part of me, and not someone else that I loved. It is also coming to terms that the child and childhood are forever gone because of the CSA.

Few people understand this and believe the child was not impacted from CSA. This does not help the process when one hears the denials of the impact of abuse.

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#430510 - 04/08/13 11:55 AM Re: Dissociative amnesia and hypnotherapy [Re: Life's A Dream]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1046
For others who have come out of the other side of this, what is it like once you have buried your child self and have become your own widower?

When I hear my aunt say things like, "You were such a cute kid," it kills me inside because 1) that cuteness is what got me raped, and 2) had I not been raped, that cuteness might have blossomed into attractiveness, self-confidence and athleticism instead of the half-man I've become.

LAD, stay strong with the hypno-therapy. Nothing works on the first session. And I've been seeing the same EMDR doc since early January, and we've still not started processing yet because EMDR with DID clients like us is dangerous work, and any T worth his/her salt will know to go slow with you. Every time I try to rush my T into starting processing, something happens with me that confirms to us that "slow and steady" is the best policy.

I'm up to 13 mg of naltrexone with no adverse reactions other than some strange things happening inside my identity matrix. It's allowing Izzy to become stronger, giving him more room inside to "be." No real memory breakthroughs and not yet a cure for the acting out, but it's not hurting either.

At 13 mg, this stuff becomes incredibly cheap, as 30 tablets of 50 mg each costs less than $50. If I take a quarter-tablet (12.5 mg) daily and a half tab (25 mg) on the night before my session, that $50 prescription will last for months.

Cant

edit: LAD, re: hypnosis. Your T is right that you need a "safe place." You've said here before that you don't have a safe place (anyway, I think you've said that.) It's good of her to want to do some work to prepare you and your mind for the hard stuff.

So, going again to establish a safe place that you can breathe your way into would be a very good place to start, and could help you in other ways too.

CR


Edited by cant_remember (04/08/13 02:04 PM)
Edit Reason: added note to LAD
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#430536 - 04/08/13 03:57 PM . [Re: cant_remember]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (04/20/13 08:38 PM)

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#430537 - 04/08/13 03:57 PM Re: Dissociative amnesia and hypnotherapy [Re: Life's A Dream]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1248
Loc: New York
Hey LAD

My birth parents are like non entities to me so that set me up with my judo teacher. He is Japanese and I'm not. He was for all intent and purposes my father, I would call him papasan. I loved him and I still do. He did pimp me and he did sell me to movie makers. So I am also confused. People would probably say that we are crazy. Looking at your position where you think that trying to find out would poison the well why can't you tell him you love him, then confront him, tell him what you know and then tell him that you still love him. I don't know what I would do if I ever met papasan or if he would think that the same as you think your father would feel.

You could also, once you know for certain that he is your molester, tell him that you knew for a long time that he was your molester but that you have always and still love him. You could add that you didn't need the abuse but you still love him.

I never knew that papasan had sold me to the movies people until recently but I knew that he was pimping me and that we were also together sexually. I wasn't crazy about the johns but I was crazy about him. He was the only person that I knew that cared anything about me, but I really didn't need the johns.

I am having a big problem whether to think of the pimping as just something I did like other kids played baseball. If I did still love him even with the johns, how should I feel now that I know that I was sold to the movie people.

Some here might say it is definitely abuse but I still can't and my mind is whirling around in confusion. Like your father papasan was also very generous and took me places like all the museums in the city multiple times, to the World's Fair in '64 and '65 multiple times. He was very loving and it was the first time that I felt loved.

As for hypnosis and other stuf that my T had suggested I said straight out that I won't do that. I cannot be not in control of myself. So I can't help on that type of therapy.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#430545 - 04/08/13 05:28 PM . [Re: lapchinj]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (04/20/13 08:39 PM)

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#430546 - 04/08/13 05:35 PM . [Re: peroperic2009]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (04/20/13 08:39 PM)

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#430547 - 04/08/13 05:36 PM . [Re: KMCINVA]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (04/20/13 08:39 PM)

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#430550 - 04/08/13 07:06 PM Re: Dissociative amnesia and hypnotherapy [Re: Life's A Dream]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1248
Loc: New York
Hey LAD,

As far as your father's keeping secret so much stuff I kept my past secret for 40+ years. I never told anyone anything. As far as I was concerned my life started at 22 a year after I got out of the USAF. Never told anyone that I was even in the USAF. My T called that very extreme. I first told my wife my true life a year ago this past October. My kids and their families still don't know anything about my life, where I went to school, nothing. So I understand that people do not want others to know maybe because they will be ostracized.

That he stopped abusing you is probably feeling bad doing what was done to him. Maybe he was acting out and saw that it was wrong. I can understand not calling him an abuser for that reason I guess.

I wanted to one day go to the olympics. I had a great chance and I knew the right people and had the right teachers, all were Japanese from the old school of training in Japan. I would practice 14 hours on Saturdays, then approximately another 15 hours during the week, it was my life. But I think that the big turn was after the movies ended I was a mess. By 15 I would shoot the kitchen sink if I could have gotten it into a syringe crazy.

I would just think that whatever you uncover do not make your father nervous or like you mention poison the well. When you have solid facts you can make up your mind what to do. You might end up not saying anything to him. You can worry about all that later on.

The real question is what to do when you get your answers. You made me think again about papasan and what I would do if I knew where he is. I never found any mention of him on the internet so I think that he went back to Japan at some point. Would I prosecute him if I met him. Not at this point, even with now knowing that he had sold me into the most terrifying portion of my life. Why? as of now I still think he was the most loving person I ever had. Am I crazy? Maybe. I don't have a problem with him I have a problem with what I did.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#430566 - 04/08/13 08:43 PM Re: Dissociative amnesia and hypnotherapy [Re: Life's A Dream]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1146
Loc: The ATL
Hi Bryan. Good luck with the hypnotherapy. I hope it will reveal the answers you are seeking. I have to say that I don't know much about it, but that I have considered it before because of one instance from my childhood about which I remember very little. The incident involved a teenage boy and I posted about it in my first post to this forum. (The one I have linked at the bottom of my posts). I'm planning on posting about that in more detail soon. The hypnotherapy thing is not something I'll probably ever do, (or any other therapy ever again for that matter), but I will be looking forward to seeing how your experience turns out, just in case I change my mind someday.

Originally Posted By: cant_remember
For others who have come out of the other side of this, what is it like once you have buried your child self and have become your own widower?


By this I take it you mean burying the idea of the self you would have been had your child self not been sexually traumatized? If that's what you mean, I declared that self legally dead a long time ago. That self is now permanently unsalvageable, and I've accepted that and moved on. What I've moved on to is a life of underachievement, self-loathing, alcoholism, emotional emptiness, etc, etc, etc. When I say I've "moved on" I don't mean that I've necessarily "recovered", but that I've adapted and adjusted to being this way and have learned how to function in this world in spite of it. That may not constitute recovery but it does constitute survival. For what it's worth anyway. Peace,

Ken

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#430573 - 04/08/13 09:53 PM Re: Dissociative amnesia and hypnotherapy [Re: Life's A Dream]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Life's A Dream

Has anyone else here had amnesia and tried hypnotherapy successfully?

I have.

I was put on a regimen of light hypnosis for DID stuff. Light hypnosis was the same as deep relaxation in my therapy. It was very non-threatening. The T had built a sense of trust in me.

It is a different technique than deep hypnosis where the will is surrendered to the psychotherapist. In deep relaxation, my mind and will were still active. I was aware of what was taking place and so I was a participant.

It was almost fun to have the various boy personalities come forth and be talked to. I had several 12-year-old personalities, due to the flagrant nature of abuse then. At one point I was a 12-year-old boy and I drove the car to the shopping center. Nothing bad happened, but I don't recommend this.

The deep relaxation therapy (light hypnosis) was highly successful at clarifying what was going on inside of me. Before doing this I produced a diagram of me: All the various personalities. I identified about a dozen and we weren't sure it was complete. I learned the technique and I was soon doing it at home. In a quiet evening when wife was at work, I got the tape player with sweet children's music. I had an agenda worked out ahead of time. The agenda was very simple. It involved putting myself into the deep relaxation and calling out one of the child personalities. I the adult remained the moderator. Then the child and I enjoyed the music and then I persuaded the child personality to integrate with the adult (me). Yes, use very simple reasoning. They always said 'yes'. With each session I was becoming more "whole".

During this time the T was also working with me and with the inner children. He's a good man and he has successfully raised 3 children of his own.

Finally we arrived at the situation of my apparently having 2 personalities: adult and boy age 12. The boy had all the memories of the torture and sexual abuse in the scout camp. He was very troubled. At that time I bolted from therapy. That boy wasn't willing to progress and there were some other complications. I think this can easily happen when a difficult personality is encountered. The boy was paranoid and had lots of problems.

This went on for several years and finally I had EMDR therapy which was successful in integrating the boy with the adult, although there were lots of loose memory tags left.

Today, I wonder if there are undiscovered personalities and stuff in there which might still be causing problems. So I have returned to the first T who did the psychotherapy.

Originally Posted By: Life's A Dream
So, I'm going to a hypnotherapist to see what exactly is hiding in my subconscious. My EMDR therapist has not been much help and seems very new to the discipline, and inept. I know some people warn against this. The very odd thing, in my case, is I'm living with the parent I suspect SA'd me, and my parents are paying for the hypnotherapist.

A guy in your situation is at war with himself. A boy forms his role model of who he should be in life from his dad. So if he has sincere doubts as to whether the dad was worthy of trust, then the guy feels like he's in a very shaky situation.
Originally Posted By: LAD

The only thing I can think is that he- my father- suspected perp- knows I'm already having flashbacks trickle in slowly, .....
I just want to know the truth. I know that's hard to fathom for some people, and maybe it's easy for me to say while I'm on this side of the amnesia, but I still love my father. I hate what he did, if he did it. And there's a whole laundry list of reasons I think it was him. But I'm open to anything.

You're in the position of having to double-think your father and what he might have done. You do need some good help with this.

How much does your father know about psychology and the psychology of healing?

The deep relaxation technique used with me allowed me to access the deeper stuff down inside without feeling that sensation of violating secrecy.

One of the books I've found most helpful about hypnotherapy in treating our kinds of problems is: Fractured Mind, My Life With Multiple Personality Disorder, by Robert B. Oxnam. Oxnam writes in an interesting fashion and describes the various personalities who came forward. Oxnam was a high functioning adult who had experienced trauma from some teenagers when he was very small. He originally entered therapy for alcoholism and then after a period of time the personalities appeared. The first one was Bobby who was 13. His therapy allowed him to remain functional. I recommend this book.

http://www.amazon.com/FRACTURED-MIND-MULTIPLE-PERSONALITY-DISORDER/dp/B000Y8SE4W/

Puffer

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#431984 - 04/21/13 07:01 PM Re: Dissociative amnesia and hypnotherapy [Re: Life's A Dream]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1248
Loc: New York
Holy shit LAD, did you pull the same thing I did. Don't do it. I regret doing it very much. With everything you write you are helping someone. I told my T that I was just being selfish but he told me, no I was wrong.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#436494 - 06/01/13 05:36 PM Re: Dissociative amnesia and hypnotherapy [Re: Life's A Dream]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1248
Loc: New York
Hey LAD,

Are you here?

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#436501 - 06/01/13 07:46 PM Re: Dissociative amnesia and hypnotherapy [Re: lapchinj]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
It is with great sorrow that I report this.

I have debated all day as to how and if I should report this.

LAD died at home a week or so after this thread was posted. That is, May 20, 2013. I don't know any details. He didn't show up to MS since this last post. I went looking for answers this morning.

We called him "LAD". His real "handle" in MS was "Life's A Dream".

His name was Bryan Thomas White. He was 29 years old.

He was from Prescott, Arizona. He was born in Oregon.

Quote:

Bryan Thomas White, 29, died Monday, May 20, 2013 at his home in Prescott Valley, Arizona. He was born November 9, 1983 in Salem, Oregon; the son of Stewart A. and Karen Sue (Vorce) White.
A Celebration of Bryan's life was held Saturday, May 25, 2013.






http://www.sunrisefuneralhome.com/obituaries/Bryan-White/#!/Obituary

www.sunrisefuneralhome.com/obituaries/Bryan-White/#!/Obituary

This is one of the comments his father, Stewart A. White posted in the mortuary blog:
Quote:

To those of you who have sent you love, hugs, kisses and good intentions, we are grateful. No parent should outlive a child.

Karen and I spent the night in a hotel last night. It was too much for us to sleep a few feet from where Bryan died. We keep trying to wake up from this terrible nightmare.

The good news is, my beloved son Bryan died a man of faith. He loved the Lord and spent several hours in prayer with his mother a few days before his death. He could be such a prayer warrior.

On Bryan's last night he was a happy young man. He cooked dinner for us, he was smiling and upbeat talking about his future. Within a few short hours he was gone. His life taken too soon.

Parents, love your children. Hold then close, Let them feel loved and appreciated. Spend each day as if it is the last. Tell them you love them. Show them you love them. Just love them.


I thought I would append this to his own thread and let his words speak for themselves.

LAD, you are deeply missed.

LAD, I'm sorry we didn't get more of the "problems" ironed out.

Puffer



Edited by pufferfish (06/01/13 08:20 PM)

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#436502 - 06/01/13 07:51 PM Re: Dissociative amnesia and hypnotherapy [Re: Life's A Dream]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1437
Loc: California
Oh, god!!

My heart just broke and I'm crying. I'm speechless.


_________________________
If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.

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#436503 - 06/01/13 08:02 PM Re: Dissociative amnesia and hypnotherapy [Re: pufferfish]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1146
Loc: The ATL

Oh my god! I am in shock. Please say this isn't true. I just PMed Bryan a few hours ago because I was concerned that I hadn't seen him in a while. How could this have happened? I can't believe this. Bryan, why? I cared about you. I reached out to you so many times. I was here for you. Why? I have to go. I have to go somewhere else and sit down. The shock is to much right now. I'm sorry. I love you guys.

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#436504 - 06/01/13 08:28 PM Re: Dissociative amnesia and hypnotherapy [Re: Life's A Dream]
trytry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/13
Posts: 36
Loc: Wisconsin
omg...I can't even think of what to say at the moment... you'll be missed...


Is there a thread of his own for this yet?

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#436507 - 06/01/13 08:52 PM Re: Dissociative amnesia and hypnotherapy [Re: Life's A Dream]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 216
I was so worried something had happened to him...

You were so nice to me. I wish I could have done something. I can't believe this happened... I will miss you.

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#436508 - 06/01/13 09:04 PM Re: Dissociative amnesia and hypnotherapy [Re: Life's A Dream]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 918
Loc: New York
Oh my god no.

He and I PMed a few months ago. Then more recently I tried to remind him of something we had talked about - and he claimed to have no memory of it, no idea what I was talking about.

I can't believe it... he suffered so bad and he never really knew...

Speechless....
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#436509 - 06/01/13 09:36 PM Re: Dissociative amnesia and hypnotherapy [Re: Life's A Dream]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
... no words, only emotions.

Pufferfish, thank you for the posts and for the photo.

I don't know what to do with the emotions... his spirit was hurting so badly...
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#436511 - 06/01/13 09:55 PM Re: Dissociative amnesia and hypnotherapy [Re: ThisMan]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1146
Loc: The ATL

We need to start a memorial thread for Bryan. Someone needs to do it. I'm not sure it would be appropriate for me to do it as some of you have known him for longer. Please somebody start one. I am still in so much shock. The tears have been coming on and off since I learned of his death earlier tonight. This hurts so fucking much. He could have been helped. He could have been saved. He was so intelligent. I can't believe he's gone. I don't know what else to say............

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#436517 - 06/01/13 10:41 PM Re: Dissociative amnesia and hypnotherapy [Re: BraveFalcon]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
OK

We need to collect any pictures, or things that Bryan said to them that they think would be memorable. Send them to me in a PM please. When we get things to work with I can set up a memorial thread. I wanted some of his own statements to be in it. That was the main reason I built on to a preexisting thread.

Puffer

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#436525 - 06/01/13 11:34 PM Re: Dissociative amnesia and hypnotherapy [Re: Life's A Dream]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 755
Loc: Southeast USA
Peace Bryan.


Edited by Suwanee (06/06/13 07:13 AM)
Edit Reason: Omniscience
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#436529 - 06/01/13 11:47 PM Re: Dissociative amnesia and hypnotherapy [Re: Suwanee]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
We had a special thread for Liri. Liri was Oliver Strummer.

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...true#Post324329

Liri and LAD were in some ways very much alike. In other ways they were different.

I had lot's of Liri's artwork to include. I also had lots of photos of Liri as a child. But we have some great photos of LAD. I found in facebook some photos of LAD's family. I may include some of them. I think LAD's abilities were in a different direction. I need help with this.

Puffer



Edited by pufferfish (06/01/13 11:56 PM)

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#436533 - 06/02/13 12:23 AM Re: Dissociative amnesia and hypnotherapy [Re: Life's A Dream]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1596
Loc: New England
Bryan was another weary soul among us, seeking peace and understanding in his life. He never knew exactly what happened in his childhood that caused him such torment. He only knew that he was filled with the same fear, anger, dissociation, and propensity to act out, that many of us have experienced. Because of that he felt that he belonged among us, and we were all the richer for it.

We may never know what brought him to his death, but let this tragedy remind us that behind every post on MS there is a real flesh and blood man. A man who is hurting, and needs our love and support, as we are, perhaps the only people who really understand him.

We did not fail Bryan. We gave him all we had to offer. We did what any decent human being could do: listen, care, and talk him through his lowest points. The men of MS may have been the only experience in his life of this kind of love. We can be honored and proud to have been there for him.

We are all survivors of what is perhaps history's worst crime against children. Remember Bryan Thomas White as you fight to recover from childhood sexual abuse. And if you can't find the strength to do it for yourself, do it for him.

Jude

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#436534 - 06/02/13 12:49 AM Re: Dissociative amnesia and hypnotherapy [Re: Life's A Dream]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1248
Loc: New York
His last post Allen was on the 19th. It contained everything I was talking to him about last month and up to the 17th of this month.

Shit man why, we were doing great together. You were a true friend to me. I never had "real" friends since I went into the USAF some 44 years ago till I came here You were one of the few I was close to. All I can say was you were so nice to me I tried man, I really tried hard to help keep you here. I'm so sorry I didn't have that magic. I will miss you dearly.

You said one of the nicest thing to me last month
Originally Posted By: LAD
Yes. You are definitely one of the people here I trust.
(((((Jeff))))))

You're the coolest
Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing right back at you

Bryan
I will cherish our friendship forever. Maybe we can meet again one day.

All you wanted was to have a little peace in your life and that sure didn't come from your family. I know the guys here at MS did love you.

Sorry Bryan, really sorry I couldn't help you more. Sorry I couldn't save you. R.I.P. cry

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
<3 XOXO
Jeff

_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#436552 - 06/02/13 07:20 AM Re: . [Re: Life's A Dream]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 605
I did not get the chance to talk to Bryan much, but to know that he won't be here anymore is just...

I can only say I hope wherever Bryan is now, that he's found some peace from his demons. I can't imagine how painful it is at the moment for those who were close to him on here.

RIP Bryan.
_________________________
Husky

My Story

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#436553 - 06/02/13 08:20 AM Re: . [Re: concerned_husky]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Originally Posted By: concerned_husky
I did not get the chance to talk to Bryan much, but to know that he won't be here anymore is just...

I can only say I hope wherever Bryan is now, that he's found some peace from his demons. I can't imagine how painful it is at the moment for those who were close to him on here.

RIP Bryan.


yeah I feel the same way. I cried when I found out.. My son asked for a hug goodnight and I hugged him so tight...I was hugging little LAD as well.

This stuff is so unfair sometimes...why do the victims pay more than the perps.
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#436563 - 06/02/13 10:57 AM Re: . [Re: Life's A Dream]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1483
This underscores just how serious our work is, how important it is to continue. My heart goes out to LAD's family who must be devastated. I pray that Bryan has found peace. And I pray for the countless Bryan's out there now that we do not know.
_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#436566 - 06/02/13 12:35 PM Re: . [Re: Life's A Dream]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
Dear LAD we will we keep you forever in our memories.
You fought for so long with so terrible nightmares, I'm praying for your final peace.
_________________________
My story

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#436590 - 06/02/13 02:39 PM Re: Dissociative amnesia and hypnotherapy [Re: Life's A Dream]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3534
Loc: O Kanada
this is really disturbing.
does anyone know what happened?
29 is way too young.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#436599 - 06/02/13 03:43 PM I see now...No man is an island [Re: Life's A Dream]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 755
Loc: Southeast USA
Peace Bryan.


Edited by Suwanee (06/06/13 07:10 AM)
Edit Reason: Omniscience
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#436650 - 06/03/13 08:04 AM Re: I see now...No man is an island [Re: Life's A Dream]
StrugglingGuy Offline


Registered: 05/20/13
Posts: 48
Loc: Canada
"His was a Prison and he was freed.. Godspeed." - Ron Hines

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#436658 - 06/03/13 09:41 AM Re: I see now...No man is an island [Re: Life's A Dream]
Poorsoft Offline


Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
Im sorry bro.

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#436694 - 06/03/13 04:00 PM Re: I see now...No man is an island [Re: Life's A Dream]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 03:55 PM)

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#436712 - 06/03/13 05:49 PM Re: I see now...No man is an island [Re: Life's A Dream]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1046
Dear Bryan,

You were my little brother. We were both dissociative amnesiacs and had similar troubles.

I worried for you, and didn't know how to help. You're with God now.

The last thing you asked me via PM was to "Tell me about Jesus," and I was so exhausted with your troubles that I didn't respond. I regret that. I will love you and remember you always.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#436743 - 06/03/13 08:48 PM Re: I see now...No man is an island [Re: Life's A Dream]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1046
On May 19, LAD sent me a link in a PM to a song that he was listening to. Here it is for you to listen to too to help remember that good kid that we've lost.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDjwqDHA9sc

Oh fuck. This has just hit me. One of the last things he said to me was "Tell me about Jesus," but because I was so exhausted hearing about his drugs and acting out and diaper stuff that I didn't really respond to him. I just told him things were going to be OK.

And they're not OK. He's dead.

He was my little brother.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#436748 - 06/03/13 09:50 PM Re: . [Re: Life's A Dream]
GT13568 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 133
Loc: California
Losing Bryan hurts. He offered so much here. Our community is lessened. For me - who never knew Bryan, but counted on his voice here - there is one fewer among the men I can think of as friends, as persons who might understand.
Geoff
_________________________
I won the moment he hurt me, because he poisoned his soul, and I did not poison mine. I did not hurt anyone. He did. He was the perp. He tried to make me into a victim, but I became a survivor. Yes.

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#436888 - 06/04/13 08:44 PM Re: . [Re: GT13568]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Yes it does hurt.

Puff

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#436932 - 06/05/13 04:53 AM Re: . [Re: Life's A Dream]
forgive777 Offline


Registered: 05/18/13
Posts: 119
Loc: california
My prayers for Bryans family and friends I pmessaged with Bryan We where pmessaging on May19 welcoming me to the MS. He's last message to me was at. 3:33am! May 20 RIP Bryan...
_________________________
BertG777

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#436935 - 06/05/13 08:10 AM Re: . [Re: Life's A Dream]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1248
Loc: New York
Hey bertG,

I'm sorry that you had to have such a welcome here to MS. This is very rare here but it shows how fragile people can be here. I hope you will heal well here and get involved you never know when you can save someone eles's life by posting about your healing or concerns.

A big welcome to MS, there are a lot of resources here that you can use to help heal yourself and others.

That message to you seems to be that last one from anyone on MS that I've heard of so far. But knowing Bryan I know that he ment you only good things on your road to healing.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#437045 - 06/06/13 01:58 AM Re: . [Re: Life's A Dream]
forgive777 Offline


Registered: 05/18/13
Posts: 119
Loc: california
Thanks Jeff iam feeling weird about that I was the last person he pmessaged . We where pmessaging are stories back and forth and he started respond with anger like he hated how he can't remember what happen to him! I tried to make him feel normal by ispirattional responds!!! I felt good after opening up to him... His last repond was about me telling him that my x girl friend broke up with. Me after opening up that I was abused as a child dumped me and called me gay or that I will become gay!! So his last respond was about that subject I will not quote what he responded for respect! But Bryan made me feel welcomed if I knew how serious he was I would of probably tried a lil harder I been feeling bad that he's last reponds was to me!!!
_________________________
BertG777

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#437069 - 06/06/13 08:09 AM Re: . [Re: Life's A Dream]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1248
Loc: New York
You can never know what is going through someone's head unless you can look into his eyes. It bothered him a lot about not knowing what happened to him as a kid. I know that everyone thinks the same as you that if you tried a little harder maybe you could save him. But you really don't know that he's going to take that step.

There is nothing wrong with being gay, straight, etc but there is something wrong if you can't be yourself. There are those people who will find some reason to spit on you.

It's a rough how do you do but that is the problem that we have here. Getting involved here is beneficial for all of us and most of all for you.

Glad to see you here but sorry you had to come in the first place.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#437071 - 06/06/13 08:46 AM Re: . [Re: Life's A Dream]
Climb1975 Offline


Registered: 05/21/13
Posts: 21
Loc: Brit
Such a short flash of humanity. 29 years. And how many of those years were stolen from him by his abuser?

I'm so new here that I never had the chance to interact with Bryan but still I feel terrible about this. I think I'm just starting to understand that the word "survivor" means a lot.

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#437076 - 06/06/13 09:32 AM Re: . [Re: Life's A Dream]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1046
Forgive777,

You weren't the only one Bryan was talking to on the night he passed. He was PM'ing with me as well, and like you, I feel a special burden knowing that I was with him on the night he died.

I wish I would have known. I have regrets about what I could have said to him to help him.

I take comfort knowing that Bryan was talking with his brothers here at MS in his final hours. We were his support, even as he slipped away.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#437088 - 06/06/13 11:10 AM Re: . [Re: Life's A Dream]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 605
I just read a post Bryan had written on the Classifieds forum:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=434337#Post434337

Originally Posted By: Life's A Dream
I am in Prescott Valley, Arizona. Any other fellow Arizonans want to start an in-person support group with me? Or any other Arizonans already have one I can join? Or, even, are there any other male survivors in AZ who would like to meet up and hang out for the day, catch a movie, maybe go out to eat, etc? I would kill to know any of y'all in real life. That would be a dream come true.


He had written it on May 11th...I was in Phoenix May 13th...

I had even written a post on the desire to meet someone in real life not long before...

I'm sorry Bryan...I'm so sorry I missed you...

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#438486 - 06/17/13 06:44 PM Re: . [Re: Life's A Dream]
Daniel_forgotten Offline


Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
i only found about this today.. I'm so so sorry. We had some amazing chats after midnight. He was such a great guy. Hope he felt peace in his last moments.

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#438850 - 06/21/13 07:05 PM Re: . [Re: Life's A Dream]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1248
Loc: New York
Shit Bryan, I miss you so much. Why did you have to leave? Why couldn't you just hold on a little longer, so many people were trying to help. All we needed was a little more time.

At least you are now free from your demons. R.I.P. frown

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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