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#429853 - 04/02/13 05:02 PM Questions for Wives or Husbands
L84 Offline


Registered: 11/17/12
Posts: 22
Loc: USA
Has your husband vacillated between being asexual and hypersexual?

Did that change before, during or after recovery?

How do you handle changes like that?

How can husband smooth the ups and downs for wife and/or himself? Seems like my wife could do without sex entirely. At times it almost seems it would be better if I could find a way to never to want it.

Thanks!

L

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#429877 - 04/02/13 09:02 PM Re: Questions for Wives [Re: L84]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
Communication wink

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#430058 - 04/04/13 08:10 AM Re: Questions for Wives [Re: L84]
L84 Offline


Registered: 11/17/12
Posts: 22
Loc: USA
Very pithy Esposa You make me smile.. wink
That is true but unfortunately not available right now (been that way so far thrru two years of recovery.

The only communication though is... "that was a long time ago". She says I don't get how that affects you now.
Just "get over it".

Was hoping to hear a bit more from wives (guys can chime in too)
On how they may have worked through things like this. Especially if their spouse was not facing it.

Feel free to PM me if you would rather not post.
Thanks

L

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#430226 - 04/05/13 02:36 PM Re: Questions for Wives [Re: L84]
Shawushka Offline


Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
Difficult. My partner was dysfunctional (as in not wanting sex) in the past, but that was with a previous partner and not with me. Now I'm the one who has no interest. We don't talk about it either. But then I've recently concluded that we don't talk about a lot of things, only that this is my point of view. From his, everything is going well except that he's waiting for that miracle one day that his wife will be all into him again.

He will sometimes make a comment to which I usually reply that the problem is not that I became asexual, but that I don't want to have sex with him. Not that he gets it, and I'm tired of sitting him down and saying 'we need to talk'. It bothers me a lot though that we are not intimate.

But in essence, Esposa has the better answer. It's all about communication.

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#430344 - 04/06/13 12:32 PM Re: Questions for Wives [Re: L84]
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
My H is rarely, if ever, hypersexual. Aversion is his fallback. Avoiding sex=avoiding intimacy=mentally 'safe' place for him. I second Shawushka: until he is ready to heal, everyone suffers some.

Lately, mine has been asking for more non sexual touch, yet still retains some hurtful behaviors which break down trust again. I don't want to be cozy with people who hurt me, and he can't understand why I won't snuggle or (if he would like) have sex.

I've also noticed him seeming to dissociate during sex, which triggers my own 'less-than' feelings. He's refusing to discuss his healing at all with me, so I'm at a loss. Frankly, I feel like I'm in emotional Siberia.

The good news is that neither of us are willing to have rote sex where we all zone out, and that's improvement. But for me, communication and power exchange (non BDSM power exchange, I mean the average amount of exchange) are vital, and that's missing again.

Two steps forward, three back sometimes.

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#430379 - 04/06/13 10:11 PM Re: Questions for Wives [Re: L84]
L84 Offline


Registered: 11/17/12
Posts: 22
Loc: USA
Airmid & Shawuska

Thank you all for your insight and honesty. Its good that you all don't fake it to make it. I think MSers need that honesty.

Maybe for survivors part of healing process is to face our compulsion/avoidance reaction. That must stink royally to our wives.

As far as a survivors viewpoint.. at least mine anyways it is like I must have control over the on & off switchnfor intimacy. That is not healthy for both in relationship... I think on my part because of trauma it was linked to rejection by woman (and growing up by father) that set the stage for a Perpetrator to lure me in to be drugged & abducted for sex trafficking.

Relationships are hard enough without that dynamic so I am greatful we are still together and working on our relationship.

So to me lack of physical intimacy seems to equate to I am not man enough to have a woman so the male perp's (and female accomplice) were right.. I am here to serve desires of someone else. Of course I know in my head that is not right. But I think it takes awhile to sink into your heart. I have thankfully finally seen in my heart after 2 years into counseling & recovery that it was not my fault that I was abused. The potent cocktail of fear shame drugs and body feeling pleasure condemned me to silence and total memory black out for many years.

I do admire my wife and other wives who are hanging in there to work through things. AThanks again for your all's comments and insights.

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#430804 - 04/10/13 09:54 PM Re: Questions for Wives [Re: L84]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 329
H didn't really change much except he is more relaxed now.

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#431741 - 04/19/13 07:33 AM Re: Questions for Wives or Husbands [Re: L84]
pittsburgh Offline


Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 87
Loc: west Chester, Pa
What a great question. Both my wife and I are survivors. We each had very differant reactions when married before, I went in to hypersexual behavior. In my last marriage I just could not and would not open up and talk about anything concerning sex, Now after three years of "T" I understand what screwed up so much of my life. My wife on the other had just shut down and did not engage in anything sexual. We have done "T" together and learned to talk and express ourselfs. This has taken trust which took years and a willingness to make things better. Not a easy road but the rewards for us have been great,I so regret the wasted years, the hurt I must have caused. I just did not have any idea of how the abuse of many years ago was effecting me. The turning point came from learning to be honest and open with each other with the help of a great "T". I wish all sucess in dealing with yet another effect of abuse.
_________________________
it is and has been quite a trip thru life, as last I feel that I am in a better place, it takes work and in my case a wife the was and is forgiveing and helpful. At last a relationship has gone right, messed up three.

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#431854 - 04/20/13 12:21 PM Re: Questions for Wives or Husbands [Re: L84]
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
L84, I'm glad you're seeing hope. Shame is such a corrosion on the soul.

You are worth your wife's love and affection.

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#432143 - 04/23/13 08:15 AM Re: Questions for Wives or Husbands [Re: Airmid]
L84 Offline


Registered: 11/17/12
Posts: 22
Loc: USA
Airmid

Thank you for your kinds words & encouragement!
I am finally starting to see that the acceptance & support I show others is okay to show to myself. Guess its that principle of "love others as you love yourself.'

I am very thankful to my wife and the enocouragement that other wives & MS SURVIVORS show here, especially in light of what they've beennthrough. Thank you all and many blessings to you all as you continue the journey.


Blessings,

L

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