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#430308 - 04/06/13 02:48 AM Mother
lukedamien Offline


Registered: 04/05/13
Posts: 68
I can honestly say that I don't hate my mom. I understand what she went through in a little way. Once she was watching a talk show and was cursing to the air about a chick who, as mom put it, was in a woe is me pity party. The lady on the show was molested and raped multiple times underaged and was involved with drugs and prostitution and wanted help. My mom was telling the tv (especially since she couldn't hear her) that she endured all that and don't need fifteen minutes of fame on tv to feel like someone. I guess I must of been about thirteen when this happened. It was one of those rare moments this tougher than nails woman talked with me about incest, rape, and her introduction to drugs and prostitution. She always said the human body, soul, and spirit can bear so much and keep going. The strongest survive no matter.

The rare times she took to tell me details about her abuse made me feel she were special to me. I may not forgive her for denying what so willingly allowed to happen to me. But I loved her. And always will. Mom was raised very strict old time Religion. She really believed in honor of mothers. She believed in times where if a child did wrong the teacher should beat them then the neighbor should too and parents should finish it up. Think I got that right. If not, I'm sure most of you understand that mentality back then. It was how she was raised. I'm ranting I suppose. But the times she took to go into details about her abuse were special because I took that as her backdoor way of telling me she knew what the dudes did and she understood how it felt from experience but she endured it and she was fine.

That's how my messed up mind understood those times. Once after a drug dealer finished his business with me, I had enough. I was fourteen at the time. He left, mom was getting high. The very price I paid on her bed. I took my pants down and bent over and showed her the evidence. I wasn't ten anymore I thought. The very thought of my mom seeing my rump with semen there wasn't to top priority on my list. Believe me, I was really thinking this. I was thinking maybe mom really doesn't believe they're doing this to me. I was fourteen now. I've learned what all that really meant. I understood it was against the law. I knew I didn't want it. So I was determined to put an end to it. I showed mom the evidence. She closed her eyes and started singing a song.

Since then I tried to avoid the house as much as possible. But every so often mom would call a friend of mine and find a way to convince them to get me home for an emergency. The emergency was always me on her bed. I started getting very angry and cursing her off. She felt I was dangerous. She was a functional addict. She gave the appearance of normalcy to everyone. Well I'm going off here because I never had the chance to really tell people how she was. I loved her. Even pity the crap she went through. But I'll never pardon her denial of what I suffered. I even told her in front of her relatives (not my. I divorced them in my heart. So they don't belong to me) I told her that I don't want to go to the police. I wanted to just get her to admit it and stop if from happening again. They got in a circle trying to pray a lying demon out of me that wasn't there. Then they put me in a Christian camp. But I'm going on too much. Sorry. I guess that it now.

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#430311 - 04/06/13 03:50 AM Re: Mother [Re: lukedamien]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3357
Loc: somewhere in Africa
hi,

welcome to our community. hope you'll find what you seek here. i certainly have.

i can sort of understand your conflicted relationship with your mother. my family looked more like a "normal" middle-class "nice" family to an outside observer - but the step-dad was abusive to me. i was the price mom paid to her husband for the comfortable life and security she enjoyed in exchange for not interfering. she is still alive but i considered that i had lost her for good when i realized at age 11 that she would always side with him and never be there for me.

your mother was right about one thing - that "the human body, soul, and spirit can bear so much and keep going. The strongest survive no matter." you are proof of that. well done for making it this far - not without scars, obviously. but your life can get better. keep working at it. participate here like you are doing. if you are not already doing it and can manage it, therapy is often a big help. often, colleges have that kind of services for students. you may want to check that out.

good to have you with us,
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#430338 - 04/06/13 11:45 AM Re: Mother [Re: lukedamien]
L84 Offline


Registered: 11/17/12
Posts: 22
Loc: USA
Luke

Hi. Cant imagine some of the pain you have experienced and may be experiencing now.

This is a good place to be to experience some of the compassion and honesty you may need. Think sometimes the terrible experiences and shortcomings of those who are supposed to love us and protect us scream out to us that we are not valuable. Those voices are a big fat lie

I have to take breaks sometimes from pressing forward with recocery. I have found a few safe people to confide in. They make me feel good about myself and point out the good in me... they give me life. Those that make me feel worse about myself.. they have their own issues and are incapable of giving what I need.

Be kind and good to yourself in this healing and recovery process. Many ups and downs but as you stick with it the overall trend is good.

Thanks for sharing and your honesty. You have a good heart. I see your kind heart in how you respect your Mom's toughness for persevering and in your honesty of just wanting to be protected. You cannot give away what you don't have. You have those good things in your heart obviously (respect, honesty and kindness).

L


Edited by L84 (04/06/13 11:57 AM)

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#430350 - 04/06/13 02:12 PM Re: Mother [Re: L84]
lukedamien Offline


Registered: 04/05/13
Posts: 68
Thanks. Also for the advice about slowing down. Yesterday was my f first day here and dealing with this again and I was totally off the charts with emotions that were scary. But just getting it all off my chest was like a race I was scared if I didn't plow ahead I'd fall down and never get back up. I stopped trying to deal with it a while back. I just bottled it up and kinda really blotted it out. Not saying I didn't know it happened. I just never bothered it. But it all is opened like a flood now. I suppose yesterday and last night was a way to face it. Now I don't know what to do. I feel so hallow inside. Void. I came to this dudes house from the AA meeting. He doesn't want to sleep with me though. Now I feel empty. But I'm glad I told about it all. But all the emotions let me know that you're right that I need to back off some. Thank you.

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#430381 - 04/06/13 10:25 PM Re: Mother [Re: lukedamien]
L84 Offline


Registered: 11/17/12
Posts: 22
Loc: USA
Luke

You are so welcome. I think its good you are letting this stuff out. My problem was I kept it bottled up for years and years. Remember to be kind to yourself.

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#430384 - 04/06/13 10:52 PM Re: Mother [Re: L84]
lukedamien Offline


Registered: 04/05/13
Posts: 68
Cool. Thanks dude

Ttyl

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