I wrote this in a PM to another MSer this morning. This is what's really on my mind, and what's running me. I was comparing myself to him:
"Reading other people's stories is easy for me, yet my mind went back to selling myself on the job, having to do it all the time as a substitute teacher in years past. I......felt shame then too. Fearing more, I basically never moved beyond it.
It held me, so no matter how many classes I took, or successful people I hung around, fear of shame kept me from reaching out, sticking my head out, and asking for or seeking positions and attention.
I KNOW I'm attracted to selling now only since the relationships are short term. It was the exact same in teaching, for me. I felt inadequate with long term exposure, thinking they could see me.
THAT'S why I'm here. That truth is why I'm here.
(and what the hell do I do with my mess?) I've not moved past it, and am not sure I will/can."
I'll add something I've never spoken due to shame: failure has always seemed a SAFER alternative than feeling shame and rejection. Twisted? Yes. I only did it due to needing SOME control over my life. ANY control felt peaceful....for a while.
I don't believe I'm alone in this either.