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#427869 - 03/12/13 06:08 PM I'm a coward
irishguym Offline


Registered: 02/08/13
Posts: 41

It drives me crazy that sexuality/sexual orientation has taken up so much of my thoughts and the thoughts of so many. I'm sure without the csa it would've been a struggle, maybe less or maybe more. I've searched for understanding and for answers in every avenue I could find except for searching enough within myself...

I've wasted so much time in my own head having an argument thats done nothing but go in circles for far too long. Time that I will never get back.

Acting out in anyway isn't healthy-but perhaps I never would've felt the need to act out in such a way had society as whole not put so much emphasis on sexuality. Perhaps I could've openly dated whoever I wanted and built something healthy with a number of people had the world not added to the shame I was already feeling.

There is no denying an attraction to women it's been there in the past and will quite likely be there in the future and there is also no longer any denying an attraction to men, sexually, physically and emotionally at varying times through out my life.

Whether that same sex attraction is some sort of side effect to the csa or something that would've blossomed regardless is just something that I'll never really know-but so what? It's there and if I act on it in a healthy manner it causes no harm and should cause no shame.

I don't know why the world has made us feel that we need labels and I don't know if I'll ever be able to accurately label myself-some moments I've felt as though I'm gay-today that I'm bi/leaning gay-somedays that I'm bi-some that I'm straight and that any ssa is a result of the csa...but I am who I am regardless of the label or the reason behind the attractions I have.

I've wasted far to much time, effort and tears on an issue that in 2013 shouldn't be an issue and I'm going to do everything in my power to not waste any more...lifes too short.

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#427905 - 03/13/13 10:21 AM Re: I'm a coward [Re: irishguym]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3608
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Irishguy,
hang on buddy. I have a lot of problems with own confusion and SSA but I'm trying not to be pushing to myself.
I've been thinking a lot lately how I missed many times my father's touch (I still do) and how I've been grown with him near and far at same time.
Couple days ago in chat there was very interesting discussion between coupled survivors with SSA, it turned out that the most of us have had same or similar experiences with our fathers.
I'm thinking that many of us would have problems with SSA no mater on abuse because of such environment and lack of affection and touches by our fathers. Yes males have feelings and such needs, it is prerequisite for development of fully integrated and confident person.
And you are right relating to shame, need for labels and many stigmas imposed by societies.
Life is too short to waste energy on some of those, we are who we are!

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#427910 - 03/13/13 11:11 AM xxxxx [Re: irishguym]
wearytraveler Offline


Registered: 01/12/13
Posts: 49
Loc: xxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxx


Edited by wearytraveler (01/17/14 10:47 PM)

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#427914 - 03/13/13 11:42 AM Re: I'm a coward [Re: peroperic2009]
irishguym Offline


Registered: 02/08/13
Posts: 41
Thanks for the kind words..no need to hang on it is who I am and like I said I'm going to do my best to just keep accepting that.

I was very lucky to have a supportive and affectionate father and he's still a large part of my life-one of my best friends. But, I can certainly see how the void of that could lead to the feelings.

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#427915 - 03/13/13 11:44 AM Re: I'm a coward [Re: wearytraveler]
irishguym Offline


Registered: 02/08/13
Posts: 41
Originally Posted By: wearytraveler
Bravo, Irishguym

I agree with you that society spends to much time labeling and classifying - and sexuality when it boils down to it - is a small part of living that seems really big and huge while we are here - how big is it as our life ends ?

The important thing that I realized is that what its about is including love for the other person - whether they be male or female in my life I don't know but I look forward to finding a soul mate whether they be male or female and loving them with all my heart.

Josh


Thanks smile..thats very much where I am at the moment, looking forward to finding real love from wherever it may come. And I don't think hiding behind fears, or shame or whatever would ever bring that into my life..so here I am lol

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#428180 - 03/15/13 07:06 PM Re: I'm a coward [Re: irishguym]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio

Hey Irishguym,

I'm Gary, a suvivor of male CSA and have identified as gay since I was 21, seems about a hundred years ago now, but not quite!

Just want to say I and most here likely identify with the issues you speak of about sexual identity. It would be better, healthier for everyone if society at large would accept good people for who they are naturally including their sexuality. Unfortunately that world doesn't yet exist, so we need to claim, as you have done, our own identities and create our own community for the acceptence and inclusion we deserve.

I admire the acceptence you've claimed for yourself and the courage and commitment you have to be who you are and to love who you choose to love. Congratulations on freeing yourself and best wishes on your continued brave quest to heal and grow.

If there's anything I can ever help with I'd be honored to do so.

My best,

Gary
_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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#428201 - 03/16/13 12:08 AM Re: I'm a coward [Re: 1.healing]
irishguym Offline


Registered: 02/08/13
Posts: 41
Originally Posted By: 1.healing

Hey Irishguym,

I'm Gary, a suvivor of male CSA and have identified as gay since I was 21, seems about a hundred years ago now, but not quite!

Just want to say I and most here likely identify with the issues you speak of about sexual identity. It would be better, healthier for everyone if society at large would accept good people for who they are naturally including their sexuality. Unfortunately that world doesn't yet exist, so we need to claim, as you have done, our own identities and create our own community for the acceptence and inclusion we deserve.

I admire the acceptence you've claimed for yourself and the courage and commitment you have to be who you are and to love who you choose to love. Congratulations on freeing yourself and best wishes on your continued brave quest to heal and grow.

If there's anything I can ever help with I'd be honored to do so.

My best,

Gary



Thank you so much smile I'm taking things day by day trying to take one positive step each day.

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#428206 - 03/16/13 02:54 AM Re: I'm a coward [Re: irishguym]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio

Hey Irishguym,

You're welcome! A step at a time, a day at a time, proven to work and a reliable way to get things done.

Thanks for taking time to respond, it's appreciated.

My best,

Gary

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#430293 - 04/05/13 11:29 PM Re: I'm a coward [Re: irishguym]
lukedamien Offline


Registered: 04/05/13
Posts: 68
So beautifully written dude. I don't see how you could ever think you're a coward. You sound very brave and straightforward
Ttyl dude.

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#430327 - 04/06/13 09:20 AM Re: I'm a coward [Re: irishguym]
irishguym Offline


Registered: 02/08/13
Posts: 41
Thank you for the kind words. I still struggle to figure out just who exactly I am but every day I'm working on just accepting it.

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