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#430250 - 04/05/13 05:09 PM Wanting pain
LazyPirate Offline


Registered: 01/03/13
Posts: 106
Loc: Ontario
Let me preface this by saying that I am not suicidal or harming myself.

For months now I have been having these wishes & thoughts about being in pain or being sick or injured... As in I welcome these thoughts. It seems so strange & twisted when I step back & think about these "fantasies". It seems selfish & foolish. I am relatively healthy in the physical sense... Making me one of the lucky ones in this world. Is it because I feel I don't deserve health? Or am I trying to show to the outside world the pain that is inside, by having a physical ailment that is plain to see for everyone? I also think about how being sick/injured could mean that I wouldn't have to work any more. I think about never having to be in public, except when I want to. I think about shutting myself away from the world & how wonderful that would feel. I hate being a burden on others tho... Always have. This makes me feel conflicted. I don't think I want sympathy. I don't like attention.
Thank fuk I'm starting with a new T next Thursday!!! We have much to discuss!
Do these thoughts make me a bad person? Why do I wish for sickness? I don't want death & I have no desire to cut or self harm in any way (beyond smoking cigarettes!) How can I want this???
_________________________
The Bluebird of Happiness long absent from his life, Ned is visited by the Chicken of Depression. - Gary Larson

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#430253 - 04/05/13 05:22 PM Re: Wanting pain [Re: LazyPirate]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 751
Loc: michigan
hi pirate
I don't think you are a bad person or anything of the kind. but have you been sickly in your youth or have someone like that in your circle. I was and it became very much an identity at that time my T asked me the other day out of all your injuries as a child how many would you say were intentional? I had never really thought of it in that way but I had learned that my violent mom was so much different when I was sick or injured she was kind and attentive. not hurtful and violent like at other times. it made sense that I grew comfortable with the pain.
don't know if that helps at all but just something from my experience
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#430255 - 04/05/13 05:32 PM Re: Wanting pain [Re: LazyPirate]
LazyPirate Offline


Registered: 01/03/13
Posts: 106
Loc: Ontario
Thanks newground... I will think about what you said, but off the top of my head I'm not sure. My parents were more loving to me when I was sick/hurt, so there might be something there. I have been off work in the past for injuries a couple of times, but I always felt guilty very quickly. I always needed to rush back to work.
_________________________
The Bluebird of Happiness long absent from his life, Ned is visited by the Chicken of Depression. - Gary Larson

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#430333 - 04/06/13 10:45 AM Re: Wanting pain [Re: LazyPirate]
dumont Offline


Registered: 03/28/13
Posts: 34
Loc: No where
Hi LazyPirate,

You are not a bad person for feeling this or anything you feel. I don't know the level or type of abuse you suffered but that maybe part of it. Sometimes the feeling of pain helps fill the void of feeling nothing or wanting to react to something physical.
Pain was a very large part of my abuse. To be honest with you and with myself, I miss the hurt sometimes. I even crave and look for it. It's totally fucked up I know.
We just have to focus on what is good for us and walk towards that. Pain is like a substitute for feeling loved and for comfort I think; It also makes you feel a real physical connection to this world. I try to walk away from it when that feeling comes.
I maybe talking out of my hat about this. I haven't had any real therapy yet so my words are probably not right.
Be well, safe and happy.
dumont



Edited by dumont (04/06/13 01:03 PM)

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