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#429194 - 03/26/13 02:28 PM Posting here...why did I post it here?
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Why do you suppose I post this here?

Nope! Snot cuz I think you F&F think this way. Its cuz you offer unique pespective, and I really want to hear your reactions. So please don't take this post as a slam on YOU guys. Cuz its not.
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Yer right! Its not sposta happen to boys!

I'm not quite sure what you mean though:

Not supposta happen...

The more I learn and the more I see and the more i hear; the more I think that this little phrase is yet another "loaded-coded." That's what I call them' "Loaded-Coded," as in "this phrase may appear simple" but its not in any way simple. And its "coded" in that it does not have one thing to do with any of its face-meaning.

Here's what I think you are saying World:

BOYS are not suppose to LET it happen to THEM!

Oh Still....you mis-understand us.

No...no, I really don't mis-understand you. I've been here (on planet X) quite some time now, and without the mask for 5-years. I know what you mean! I know...

I am SO sorry I did not live up to your expectations when I was a child....even though you didn't know me back then...but anyway...
_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#429221 - 03/26/13 08:34 PM Re: Posting here...why did I post it here? [Re: Still]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 359
It isn't supposed to happen to girls either!

The difference is in your statement where you said a boy isn't supposed to let it happen. Why do men think they let it happen when so obviously, at least in my husband's case, he had no choice. He suffers with that so.....the I let it happen thing. No amount of reason gets through on this.

Is that what you were asking for? I know in my situation, I don't beat myself over what happened to me by saying "y did I let it happen" I guess that is the difference between men and women. I don't think society expects us (women) to be able to protect ourselves at all times (which is insulting in it's own right) but for some reason men are not ever to allow themselves to be put in a vulnerable position EVEN when they have no choice. All fucked up if you ask me.

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#429225 - 03/26/13 09:13 PM Re: Posting here...why did I post it here? [Re: Still]
pittsburgh Offline


Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 89
Loc: west Chester, Pa
you are so right, at 11 I did'nt even know what a penis was for except to pee. Had never seen an adult one let alone erect. How the hell could I be expected to know what was going to happen.
_________________________
it is and has been quite a trip thru life, as last I feel that I am in a better place, it takes work and in my case a wife the was and is forgiveing and helpful. At last a relationship has gone right, messed up three.

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#429281 - 03/27/13 10:12 AM Re: Posting here...why did I post it here? [Re: lucylives]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: lucylives
It isn't supposed to happen to girls either!

The difference is in your statement where you said a boy isn't supposed to let it happen. Why do men think they let it happen when so obviously, at least in my husband's case, he had no choice. He suffers with that so.....the I let it happen thing. No amount of reason gets through on this.

Is that what you were asking for? I know in my situation, I don't beat myself over what happened to me by saying "y did I let it happen" I guess that is the difference between men and women. I don't think society expects us (women) to be able to protect ourselves at all times (which is insulting in it's own right) but for some reason men are not ever to allow themselves to be put in a vulnerable position EVEN when they have no choice. All fucked up if you ask me.


My broader point is that the statement "Its not supposed to happen to boys" is that the internal voice of the friend or family is saying "boys are not supposed to let that happen."

I consider that to be a fact and not a paranoia in that I can interpret HOW they use the term.

The mentality behind the statement also bolsters shame and silence with the victim. In fact, in the 1970s, it pretty well guaranteed shame & silence.

Further, my situation went on for 7-years. knee-jerk reactionaries think or SAY, "WTF?? How did you let it go on for so long? WHY did you let it go on for so long." The divorce court appointed psychologist even asked these questions and seemed clueless as to the common, inherent reasons.

Police detectives taking your statement will actually ask that...but its not always based upon moronic ignorance. Its sometimes meant to show you how horrid a criminal cross-examination can be. Defense lawyers cross examine with direct "how did you _______ " questions.

"Hey 17-yo boy, you say that this went on from age 7 till when you were 14??? Maybe you could explain to the jury why you let it go on for so long...maybe you can tell the jury why you never stopped it...please explain to the jury why you continued to return to the perpetrator..."

Back on track here: Some men were strong as boys. Some men were strong as boys AND never physically vanquished. Thus, they have nothing in their experiential brain vaults to identify with when hearing such accounts of abuse.
_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#429306 - 03/27/13 02:00 PM Re: Posting here...why did I post it here? [Re: Still]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Quote:
My broader point is that the statement "Its not supposed to happen to boys" is that the internal voice of the friend or family is saying "boys are not supposed to let that happen."

I was asked how old I was. And my answer is 12 years old. But I don't remember. I don't remember when it started or when it stopped. But 12 years old sounds right. Because if I was 13 then that would make me a teenager and that would never happen to a teenager. So I couldn't have been more than 12.

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#430236 - 04/05/13 03:03 PM Re: Posting here...why did I post it here? [Re: Still]
Shawushka Offline


Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
Still, I'm really sad for you that your environment reacts like that.

Quote:
Why do men think they let it happen

Men do think like that because that is what society conveys. In America with its hyper masculinity, men are supposed to be strong and defend themselves. If they are weak they are effeminate and that is not tolerated.
"Boys don't cry" is what is instilled in small kids, until they don't cry no more and don't talk about it.
"Man up!" is what we say when they are older and dare to show emotions.
And if a man doesn't "man up" enough, he's a 'sissy' and a 'wuss' or worst 'a girl'.
And I could go on and on.

To me, it's no wonder men think that they weren't supposed to let it happen.

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#430343 - 04/06/13 12:26 PM Re: Posting here...why did I post it here? [Re: Still]
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
^^This.^^

Social conditioning sucks. Boys are taught that vulnerability and even showing any feelings other than anger are 'wrong'. they are taught to fear being less-than in any shape, way or form.

I know my husband suffers daily from how these messages kept him from reporting his abuses. Perps take advantage of the 'norms' boys are taught, and it keeps the culture alive and well. I can't stand it. My own son's peers and their families embrace these thoughts, and for me, it's a daily struggle to remind him that who he is is made up of all feelings. I want to make sure he has the safety that my husband (and I) didn't have at home. For me, not buying into the hyper-masculine BS is a part of creating that safety.

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#430807 - 04/10/13 10:08 PM Re: Posting here...why did I post it here? [Re: Still]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 338
I never saw boys as men. They are children.....period, full stop.

This reminds me of an incident many years ago where I was talking to a very drunk person and they kept saying "I didn't let them! I didn't let them!" ........I was rather young and didn't really understand it. I understand it better now, thank you for your post.


Edited by sugarbaby (04/14/13 12:09 PM)

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