I should fill you in on a little crisis I'm in. First, I don't want you to worry nor be concerned because this about me and for me and I truly know you support me.
I'm addressing my childhood abuse head on at the moment. Why now? Primarily because this is the first time in 44 years that I have been alone, alone with myself that is, and the current emotional and physical effects are devastating. I am tackling it as swiftly as possible with therapy and support and soaking up us much information as I can.
I just want you to know what has been going on and, again, don't worry. This is me, for me and something I must do.
Love you, jeffery
PS. following is a copy of a post I made the other day at one of my male survivor groups that briefly describes what I'm dealing with. You can see how I've set myself up to avoid this issue even though I have addressed it in the past.
Several times a week, over the last 6 months or so, I will get so scared and frightened of getting in trouble that I won't leave the house nor get out of bed or couch. My therapist and I tend to agree that this is do to being alone for the first time (I'm 44) with out any distractions from my demons.
I'll try to make a long story short. Sexually molested by my next door neighbor before 4 y/o - 13+ y/o. Was my fathers best friend, my best friend's father (we were both victimized together) and he was our pediatrician. He ended up killing himself about a decade later due to charges brought from other victimized patients.
My father never liked me. I was the only boy of 4 siblings and the 2nd oldest. He would never speak to me unless to discipline. He would stop speaking and look away when I entered the room, even at 4 y/o.
I was very educated and had a great career in Chicago & Manhattan and was considered a work'aholic. My mother convinced me to move back home and enter the family business with the hopes of reconciling with my father. Typical 80+ hour work weeks. I was concerned with my anger and started therapy. They thought it was the abuse, I didn't, but agreed to discussed the abuse with each family member individually during different sessions. Dad was furious and didn't believe me even though the perp killed himself and had all the publicity in town about it. My business was soon bankrupt.
I'm 33 yo at this point, I made a career change and met my first husband within a year. Go figure, I was gay. I hadn't dated but 2 or 3 times since the abuse so I had no clue. I don't have a problem with my sexually.
My focus was now on the partner and new career path in FL. The company was bought and I was transfered to NY. The partner was having issues and a death wish so I sent him back to FL with his family. 38 y/o now
I immediately got a roommate then a new BF. At the same time the company (one of the largest on LI) was heading for bankruptcy. Then I lost my apartment cause the house was up for sale and all units evicted. I moved in with my new BF. I about 41 now, around 2002. Now the company is bankrupt. I don't have 10 years of references cause they bought the previous company. So now it's very rough to find work in NYC
I left my last partner a year ago after constant physical beatings. It got progressively worse, upto several times a week. A good girl friend had an intervention with me and I left. I rent a room from her now.
As you can see I stay rather busy with change. Now that has all stopped for over a year. Small contract work here and there but nothing secure nor stable and no one to focus on but me and my baggage per say.
As mentioned above I have extreme anxiety attacks that can last upto 3 days and happen more then once a week.
I'm seeking a local support group, there are several Survivors of Incest Anonymous in the area ... men only too, thank god. And I'm continuing therapy.
"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival."
— C. S. Lewis