On a normal basis, I am able to let go and look past any lurking desire for that type of affection, approval, acceptance, or whatever...
HOWEVER, this week I've had to face these facts:
- Neither my mom or maternal grandmother have called since our disagreement about me not attending my paternal grandmother's funeral.
- Going to the funeral would cause me to be in the same room with the uncle and two cousins who "got me" when I was younger.
- The deceased (my dad's mom) and my dad never believed me. In fact, my paternal grandmother called me a liar on more than one occasion and defended her son.
- When my cousin "got me", my dad beat ME as if I had done something wrong...to the point where I bled in several places.
- My maternal grandmother's comments about "not knowing Jesus if I can't forgive and go pay respects to my other grandmother" make me feel VERY uneasy.
All of those things combined, make me feel something that I assume most drug addicts/users must feel from time to time.
HERE'S HOW: The need for a hug or some sort of support/validation/whatever from a dude is at an all-time high! As much as I ignore any feelings or urges on that level, the desire has now entered into what I call a CHRONIC phase...just to meet an emotional need.
I'm strong enough (I think) NOT to give in, but the question is am I willing to exercise that strength.
Uh...it ain't lookin' too good....