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#430144 - 04/04/13 11:23 PM Re: All Due Respect [Re: Still]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3452
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Still - i do know that feeling of needing to hear it from those most important to me.

but if i was waiting for the perps to ask forgiveness or for the step-dad and mom to tell me it wasn't my fault, i would never have made one inch of progress. i knew from the start that was never going to happen. even though both step-dad (1st
& worst abuser - verbally, physically, s3xually) and mom were both alive when i started dealing with it - i couldn't even approach them on it. he was never able to admit the slightest fault in anything - and she was a total enabler - and had been brainwashed by him into absolute submission and denial. she has re-written history so that everything is "nice" and now has alzheimers. he is now dead. no hope there.

if improvement, progress, recovery, healing - whatever you want to call an alleviation of our pain - is ever possible - it cannot be dependent upon others. it would be wonderful if the family and friends and community would help and say and do the right and comforting and encouraging things - but it may never happen.

take the support where you can get it - from those who know and understand - and whose affirmations are more valuable because of that - other survivors are your best allies and assets and resources. the rest don't get it - and most never will.

the Truth is not a matter of majority rules,
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#430147 - 04/04/13 11:56 PM Re: All Due Respect [Re: Still]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
I, like your brothers here, are telling you that you are not/ were not that vile creature you thought you were. And so as a youngster you thought you needed a knife to protect yourself. So what, man? At least you were smart enough and brave enough to carry one.

Still, I have a friggin' baseball bat by my front door and one by the bed. And not by any stretch of the imagination am I a sociopath, nor are you. You know from my past postings, I am just beginning to embrace my 'little guy". I don't hate him any longer and I am beginning to forgive him, forgive me, for what has happened. It wasn't my fault, and its not yours.

I urge you to begin to draw the "little you" into your heart. Stop referring to him as "the kid" and by the negative names. Use the first person- call him by name. He will become real to you in a way you have never known. And begin to ask him how he feels, man. It was so foreign to me, but I started that way. You can to. And you will begin to feel differently when you humanize the little boy. He was and is real and he is you... and he desperately wants you to acknowledge his existence. Forgiveness will begin.

Little You will continue to run and hide until he feels safe.

Hope not to have overstepped in the posting, but I care for you...and this thread has brought a few tears to my eyes because not so long ago.... it is not unknown to me.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#430196 - 04/05/13 11:47 AM Re: All Due Respect [Re: Still]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1410
Loc: California
Dude!

Would you *ever* describe another child the way you describe yourself as a child?

I'm astonished to see how horribly you talk about yourself when you were a child. You were a CHILD! You were ill taught, ill loved, and ill supported. You were doing the best you could with the resources of a CHILD.

For the LOVE OF GOD, man, stop insulting your own childhood - I know you would never insult another child like that.

You deserve much better; you are courageous, strong, resilient, & compassionate. You are a warrior.

D

Originally Posted By: Still
Originally Posted By: Obi
still,

are you prepared to possibly never hear those words from those that you claim you need to hear them from?

can you work through it knowing that you have others, like myself, who do say and know it's NOT your fault?



Prepared? I don't think so. If i were prepared, i think i could move-on without it. But I need to hear from the only people left from those days and that life that they don't blame me.

I want to be "let-off-the-hook." Told that I was not the vile creature as I saw myself back then. That I was not the kid who truly was nuts (as claimed by many)...truly weak and pathetic as claimed by Dean (lead perp), as claimed by every sports-oriented father in the hood...as seen by peers and freely expressed.

Until then, I think I'm destined to remain that pathetic wretch of a sociopath child who would not even protect himself without a knife.

Yeah...I pretty much Still hate that kid and think very little of him.

I think I'm seeking a sort of "forgiveness."
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#430207 - 04/05/13 12:44 PM Re: All Due Respect [Re: Still]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6514
Loc: Terminus
It was embarrassing to be me back then, and even that is not the right word for it. Maybe humiliating? But to feel the pain or humiliation and degradation is a blessing. Its when you are so fully degraded that you feel nothing and just accept it, you know you are home.

Let's put it this way; except for a tiny handfull of peers who allowed me to be among them (probably for basement sex), I was widely rejected by the balance of my world. The adults (when I was alone) would say horrible things like, "oh....yer not in jail yet?" "What crimes are you planning these days?" And those were the mothers! One father jumped out from behind his high-hedges and round-house swung a broom at my chest, knocking me off my Yamaha 80cc. Why? It was understood by all. No one needed to ask why. (I went back months later and keyed the fuck outta his new Camaro btw)

Back then, they did not have any regard / respect for the child who would be freely labeled as crazy, dangerous, misfit, pathetic, etc...it was a legal and morally acceptable free-for-all. Utopia needed it garbage disposal, and he was it.

When Christmas lights would go missing from bushes in the hood, only to be smashed on the street for fun, the actual thieves knew they could tell any adult it was HIM, who did it, and be fully in-the-clear. I actually had to earn and pay for an entire home's light display one year. I didn't even bother to argue the charge.

With my mother being in a wheelchair and my father being violent or absent depending on his travel schedule, the only person on earth I had was the guy in the mirror...and he chose to comply, take it, endure it. His spirit was broken and no one even knew. And I mean really really broken. He considered himself to be "already dead."

When his dog Lucy died at the wheels of a home-oil delivery truck who's driver "does not change his path or speed for loose animals," he wanted nothing more than to complete his physical death. His father, having learned of "the dog," left a message at the house: "tell him he can call me at the office if he wants to."

Now, I tell you that not to illicit sadness or pity, but to help you understand the saturation of dissolution of the not-a-real-boy's humanity -- the nature of the life. When you are 7 on-up, and every element of your world tells you that you are worthless... despicable... a non-human...

nbd
_________________________
We don't need another hero! [Aunty Entity 1985]

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

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#430212 - 04/05/13 01:06 PM Re: All Due Respect [Re: Still]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1410
Loc: California
"Back then, they did not have any regard / respect for the child"

Your parents and family failed you miserably. It is now YOUR responsibility to have regard and respect for the child.

That is the path of recovery.

I'm sorry to sound high and mighty; I'm far from perfect myself. But it is radically apparent to me how much you now abuse yourself. You're begging for mercy and recovery on the one hand and so harshly hurting yourself by the other.

D
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#430214 - 04/05/13 01:26 PM Re: All Due Respect [Re: Still]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6514
Loc: Terminus
There's that book: "Children are Like Wet Cement"

I see all these kids in the waiting room of my T's practice. There are a bunch of therapists there and they all seem to work with kids. But I'm there twice a week and have begun to know names and faces and moods they carry.

I see the cement as still wet for them.
_________________________
We don't need another hero! [Aunty Entity 1985]

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

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#430219 - 04/05/13 02:13 PM Re: All Due Respect [Re: Still]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 916
Loc: New York
This place is like a bunch of kids playing Guilt Hot Potato. We can all see how to forgive and absolve everybody else for what they went through, but when it's your own self, that's different. There's not a person here I've EVER seen who failed to agree that, yes, of course they'd understand and forgive and remove all blame and shame if somebody ELSE had undergone the exact same things they themselves did. But when it actually IS themself, well that's different, they're dirty and dumb and responsible. Hot potato, hot potato.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#430246 - 04/05/13 04:35 PM Re: All Due Respect [Re: Still]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 10:09 PM)

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#430256 - 04/05/13 05:54 PM Re: All Due Respect [Re: bodyguard8367]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6514
Loc: Terminus
Originally Posted By: bodyguard8367
Even if I was never approached for,
Even if "they" never made me,
Even if I had removed all my own clothes,
Even if I laid in the floor naked,
Even if I had BEGGED,


Even if they were just older kids?
Even if the District Atty says it was not a crime then - it was juvie on juvie simple assault?
Even if all the people of the village would have snickered at the idea?
Even if I waltzed myself down there time after time?
Even if I just did not care any longer, as it was my role?

Eventually, when enough people call the thing an "aardvark," it IS an aardvark.
_________________________
We don't need another hero! [Aunty Entity 1985]

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

Top
#430264 - 04/05/13 07:16 PM Re: All Due Respect [Re: Still]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1410
Loc: California
My cousin, who at one point, I considered my best friends, was 5 years older than me. The first few times, he initiated it. But I was so starved for attention and love, I began to ask for it, and I often initiated it.

He had power over me, and therefore was responsible. He used me for his enjoyment, knowing full well that he was manipulating me because of the power he had over me.

Do I blame myself? No. It wasn't my fault - even after asking for it and initiating it. I was just a child.




Originally Posted By: Still
Originally Posted By: bodyguard8367
Even if I was never approached for,
Even if "they" never made me,
Even if I had removed all my own clothes,
Even if I laid in the floor naked,
Even if I had BEGGED,


Even if they were just older kids?
Even if the District Atty says it was not a crime then - it was juvie on juvie simple assault?
Even if all the people of the village would have snickered at the idea?
Even if I waltzed myself down there time after time?
Even if I just did not care any longer, as it was my role?

Eventually, when enough people call the thing an "aardvark," it IS an aardvark.
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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