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#429762 - 04/01/13 09:12 PM Erotic Romance Novels
hurting&tryingtoheal Offline


Registered: 08/28/12
Posts: 28
Hi everyone,

I am looking for erotic romance novels for men. Obviously, since I am here I do not have a very good history with sex. Recently through therapy I discovered what healthy sex would look like for me. It is something that would make me feel safe, something that reaffirms the humanity in myself and the woman I am with and something that would produce pleasure within these parameters. I want to be able to give myself some experiences with sex in this way. I think it would be so beautifully healing for me to be able to experience sex that is about showing the other person how much you care about them and how special they are to you.

Right now, I really don't want to look for a relationship. I want to get to a point where I can learn to provide my own happiness before I look for one. I want learn to exude positive energy before I look for one. I want to learn to really be at peace with myself before I look for one, and even to feel really good about myself first. I also want to feel like while one of my life goals is to be a great boyfriend and eventually a fantastic husband and an amazing father I don't want to feel it is so important that some people might view it as desperate. I want to feel great about myself outside of one before opening myself up to the possibility of a new relationship entering my life.

However, even though I don't want to be open to the possibility of a new relationship entering my life right now I do want to give myself some experiences with sex that are about two people showing how much they care for one another, and how special they are to each other. That is why I would like to find some erotic romance novels for men. It seems to be the best way to give myself a connection with sex in this way outside of a relationship, and it could take the place of porn which obviously has very limited images of sex in that has anything to do with expression of care for another.

So, what I'm looking for when I say erotic romance novels for men are novels in this genre that are written for a male audience. It would also be really nice to find something sexual that tells stories of people really using sex as an expression of their love for another, while it sends messages that a man like me who is not ugly but does not look like a male supermodel nor will he ever can be just as worthy of a loving amazing relationship with a woman whom he loves dearly as men who are ripped and have next to no body fat, and that he can be the one who turns his girl's head more than any other guy.

Anyway, the question is if anybody has any idea of where to find material like this any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
hurting&tryingtoheal

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#429812 - 04/02/13 11:35 AM Re: Erotic Romance Novels [Re: hurting&tryingtoheal]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1584
Loc: New England
Hey Hurting,

Interesting request. Many of us turned to graphic porn which failed to give us any sense of a "normal healthy" sexuality. But novels? Who knows?

I tried Googling "Erotic Romance Novels for Men" and the only thing that came up was at Amazon which actually was a list of erotic books recommended by men, for women.

http://www.amazon.com/Men-These-Erotic-Romance-Novels/lm/3R2X9XKWPF5T5

Jude
_________________________
Can't be bothered with sorrow
And I can't be bothered with hate, no, no
I'm using up the time but feeling fine every day
That's why I'm telling you
I just want to celebrate another day of livin'
Rare Earth

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#429901 - 04/02/13 11:48 PM Re: Erotic Romance Novels [Re: hurting&tryingtoheal]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 916
Loc: New York
The "Earth's Children" saga (Clan of the Cave Bear and its sequels) seems about equally popular among men as women, and all of the sequel books have lots of erotic romance / relationship-building / pretty graphic sex between the main character Ayla, her on-again off-again boyfriend Jondalar, and occasionally another guy here and there when those two are having a lovers' spat.

Though the fact that it is set 35,000 years ago might limit its modern applicability.

I'm sorry to say that's really the best I can think of. Nearly all books understood as "erotic romance" are heavily female-oriented.
_________________________
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"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#429917 - 04/03/13 08:07 AM Re: Erotic Romance Novels [Re: hurting&tryingtoheal]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3617
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi hurting&tryingtoheal,
interesting task to find such literature.
Maybe I'm wrong but classics Danelle Stelle's novels could be good in this case. She always involved some erotic and of course love problematic. Maybe it is not what you were searched for but I can't see difference is it written for males or females in this case.
It found erotic literature made for men too explicit and one dimensional; sort of material for masturbation, lol. I've read some when I was much younger and I liked more the classic romance novels wink

Pero
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My story

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#430034 - 04/03/13 10:29 PM Re: Erotic Romance Novels [Re: hurting&tryingtoheal]
hurting&tryingtoheal Offline


Registered: 08/28/12
Posts: 28
I think these books might be good suggestions. It seems that they have the element of romance and potentially love between the characters who have sex in them (rather than the graphic porn videos or stories written for men that have many dehumanizing qualities to them. In the sense that they only seem to feature quick access lustful sex rather than sex that is very loving caring and intimate between two people who truly love one another).

Here's what makes me slightly hesitant about buying them. I have body image issues. I'm not overweight or ugly, but I have this idea in my head that unless I look like a model that could be on the cover of GQ or something that I am not worthy of love, affection or a woman's desires. This was exacerbated by the porn I used to watch (namely cuckold). I am working out to try to achieve a body that I am much more confident and happy in, but I would really like to find material that tries to send a message that normal guys are just as desirable, lovable and affection worthy. What I am worried about is if these books begin to talk about how big and strong and muscular the man is (basically painting the image of a Greek God) then I might feel that the only reason the female character is so loving to this man is because he of this certain body type. I want to find something that will take away this notion I have in my head that unless I look like a Greek God (physically flawless) then a woman will always be looking for something better. Someone that is hotter and more manly and therefore more lovable. I don't want to be triggered by what and who the male character is. Feeling like I have to constantly compare myself to him and always feeling like I come up short. I want to identify with him.

So, before I buy any of these books I was wondering if those of you who have suggested them to me feel that they have any of those types of elements in them?

Thanks,
Hurting&tyringtoheal

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#430042 - 04/03/13 11:08 PM Re: Erotic Romance Novels [Re: hurting&tryingtoheal]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3488
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Hurting -

remember that by definition, novels are FICTION. anything you read that is a product of someone's imagination is essentially a fantasy. even if you do find the perfect book that depicts what you want it to as far as characters, events and tone, it is still not reality - and there is no guarantee that it is realistic or plausible or likely to be repeatable in your own life. i can get inspired by certain books and they can help me think a certain way - but when it comes to putting those ideals into action it is only part of the story.

Originally Posted By: hurting&tryingtoheal
I have body image issues. I'm not overweight or ugly, but I have this idea in my head that unless I look like a model that could be on the cover of GQ or something that I am not worthy of love, affection or a woman's desires. ...
I am working out to try to achieve a body that I am much more confident and happy in, but I would really like to find material that tries to send a message that normal guys are just as desirable, lovable and affection worthy. ...
I want to find something that will take away this notion I have in my head that unless I look like a Greek God (physically flawless) then a woman will always be looking for something better. ...
Feeling like I have to constantly compare myself to him and always feeling like I come up short. I want to identify with him.


it is good that you recognize these issues. and i think you are working at overcoming them. just be careful about exchanging one fantasy for another. it is also commendable that you are working out - i am sure that will improve your self-confidence - but be careful that you are not buying into the very same false values that you are suffering under - that you become lovable by becoming more buff and physically "attractive." many of us have varying degrees of the kind of self-image problems you descibe. in its more extreme form it is called body dysmorphic disorder - or BDD. i have at least a fair number of those symptoms, myself. and you are right - p0rn does make it worse - but so does Hollywoood and TV and advertising, etc.

one thing i have discovered is that self-acceptance and an improved/more realistic/less negative self-image has resulted from forgiving myself - not blaming myself for what was done to me - letting myself off the hook:

IT WAS NOT MY FAULT!
I WAS NOT TO BLAME!
THE GUILT IS NOT MINE!
I REJECT THE SHAME!

once i started to believe that, i became less distant and untouchable - and more able to both give love and accept love.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#430132 - 04/04/13 09:28 PM Re: Erotic Romance Novels [Re: hurting&tryingtoheal]
hurting&tryingtoheal Offline


Registered: 08/28/12
Posts: 28
You're right that it is not just porn that makes it worse. It's everything. Sex is everywhere. You are constantly surrounded by it. You can't escape it. It's always there. (Being a college student living on a college campus doesn't help either). Being scared of sex in any form doesn't help matters when you are constantly surrounded by it. I'm not just scared of a relationship (because they usually involve sex at some point). Nor I am just scared of going out on a date. I'm even scared of something so small as checking a girl out (because it is vaguely related to sex).

I don't want to be afraid of sex anymore. Partially, because I'm surrounded by it at all times it seems and I don't want to feel like I have to live in a constant state of fear, but also because I really do want to be in a great relationship at some point (though, when I say that I can feel myself get a bit hesitant because I don't want to return to my past attitudes of if only I had a relationship I would be so happy or that my happiness was dependent upon a relationship. I want to have the attitude of it would be great to have one, but I don't need one, because I'm also quite happy without one).

Therefore, before I find or even open myself up to a relationship entering my life I want to give myself experiences with sex that aren't about using it as a weapon. A lot of people have said that sex is a beautiful wonderful thing to me. That I should view it as such. I had a pretty strong negative response to that. Basically, saying why would I view sex that way when I have never experienced it that way? When I told my therapist about that he said "Exactly. It's been used as a weapon against you". He said, "You know a screwdriver is a wonderful tool if you use it for what it's used for, but as soon as someone takes that screwdriver and stabs you in the back with it, suddenly it's not so wonderful anymore". That's what I want to give myself experiences with. I want to give myself experiences with what the tool of sex is supposed to be used for (namely an expression of love between two people. An experience of safety and humanization. An experience that says you are not inadequate, ugly, insufficient or inferior to other people. You are wonderful, and I would be so sad if you changed because I love you so much just the way you are).

That's why I wanted to find these books. I thought maybe they could provide me with that experience so that maybe my mind set would begin to switch on what sex is and how I feel about it. I wouldn't be so afraid of it anymore.

I don't know if novels can help me with this. I don't know if they can give me the experiences that I'm looking for. I don't know if the experiences that I'm looking for can only be provided through a relationship. I just don't know. I mean is that what you're saying that they can't or am I completely reading what you're saying wrong?

The advice my therapist gave was to look for images of love or at least role models for this journey going through in movies or books or things of that nature. He seemed to be suggesting to find things related to relationships rather than sex, but I want really badly to heal sexually, which is why I want to find sex based on love and romance not humiliation.

As for the idea of self acceptance I don't know how what happened to me would've had any effect on my having such an awful body image. So, I'm not sure if that would help or not. I'm not completely sure I blame myself for what happened. I was very young (at least at the earliest stages that I remember it happening) so I don't know if I blame myself. I don't know if there is something in me that still believes that i deserved what happened (though when I wrote that I could feel a major part of myself reacting saying that of course I did not deserve it). I did make a realization in therapy that I was a play thing for my mother's own amusement when it happened (my mother didn't actually take action to do it [at least not that I can remember] but it was always right in front of her]. I realized that my entire sex life has reflected that ever since. I also realized that I don't deserve that (though, there was part of me that I could feel becoming a little hesitant when writing that). That's what I know. I don't know whether this tactic is one that should be the tactic I am using in place of what I was looking for in the novels. What do you think?

As far as falling victim to the false values while working out I can feel myself already doing that to some extent, though it's a mixed bag. I have one of my friends who is a physical therapy major helping devise a workout regimen to meet my fitness goals. He's worked me pretty hard and I've woken up with soreness in the muscles I've worked the previous day, and felt really good about it, because it felt like I worked really hard and got the type of workout I'm looking for. It was an uplifting experience. I've also felt really good after getting out of the pool for my cardio.

However, my roommate also happened to come into the gym at the same time as when my friend was helping me workout. I saw him lifting far more than I can, and started to think he could kick my ass anytime he wanted to. And, if he wanted to kick my ass and there is nothing I could do to stop him then what use am I? I also started thinking he's probably laughing at me in his head. I started believing he was thinking "look at how pathetic he is lifting nothing compared to me". And, I started trying to compensate in my head for what I could do far better than him. I know I'm really damn smart, and I tried to believe that I was smarter than him so that the fact that he was lifting more than me wouldn't matter, but all I could think was he's probably just as smart as me. Maybe there was no justification for that, but I couldn't get myself to believe it. (I also had someone who is probably on the same level of attractiveness to women say that he was writing a 33 page paper while I was writing this. I've always thought of myself as a good writer and I thought I could never eve dream of writing something that long).

I also know my roommate is the type of guy who women would ogle all day if they could. So, I started thinking why would any woman go for me when they could have someone like him?

I don't know how to balance this great feeling I get from a great workout while banishing these thoughts that obviously are me buying into this false value of being more buff or at least more of what society says the ideal man should be equals being more lovable. Are there any ideas you have?

Sorry, if this has come off as defensive. I didn't intend for it to. I'm really just trying to get all of my thoughts out (believe me there were a lot of them) in order to get advice on everything going through my head on this subject so that I can heal more and more. Please let me know your thoughts.

Hurting&tryingtoheal

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#430139 - 04/04/13 10:54 PM Re: Erotic Romance Novels [Re: hurting&tryingtoheal]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3488
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Ok - this makes sense - sort of an "attitude adjustment" or recalibration of your preconceptions in correcting your expectations to correspond more to the reality of actual people in day to day life - instead of the romantic stereotype of the mass media and popular culture. i get it now. and no - i don't see you as defensive - just trying to clarify what you mean. maybe i am also projecting my issues into the mix as well. it gets complicated!

here is something that may help. most men are more visually and physically oriented. most women are more emotionally and relationally oriented. your room-mate sounds like the kind of guy i would be visually attracted to. (i have SSA issues because of the abuse.) and i would expect my wife to be equally attracted to him because of his appearance, muscles and confidence. but she does not like the body-builder type of physique and is often turned off by overly confident guys who come across as arrogant and domineering. i am not at all an imposing figure as far as my physical build goes. like you, i would compare myself to every other guy and usually feel inferior. and i do not think i have a handsome face either. but my wife loves my face and my body - however - she loved my personality first - what made me unique and the way i made her feel by listening to her, valuing her, showing her respect and affection, etc. the things i thought would be important - and that i thought i lacked - she did not consider in the same way at all. and you probly wouldn't be happy with a woman who would judge on such superficial aspects anyway.

anyway - no - i don't think you are on the wrong track - but just want you to see a bigger picture. and i still don't know if the kind of books you are looking for exist.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#430148 - 04/05/13 12:08 AM Re: Erotic Romance Novels [Re: hurting&tryingtoheal]
hurting&tryingtoheal Offline


Registered: 08/28/12
Posts: 28
See, but the idea that I would be with a woman who has men out there whom she is more physically attracted to makes me feel insecure and inadequate (even if she wanted to be with me more because of falling for my personality). Even if they are celebrities and therefore probably unattainable for her. I can still see her fantasizing about other men because I'm not good enough in that department. I don't like these thoughts and I don't want them. I just would like to hope that I can truly be the perfect match for the woman I end up with. That I am the man that exceeds her wildest dreams in every aspect (physically & personality wise). I want to believe that this attainable. I don't want to feel that I have proven right that I am inferior to other men in the physically attractiveness department, and that there is nothing I can do about it.

Again, sorry, if I'm getting defensive. It's just that the porn I used to watch (cuckold porn, which is the fantasy that some men have of watching their wife or girlfriend have sex with another man in front of them while she humiliates him by telling him how much better the other man is) really did a number on me. I guess because of it I am scared of being inferior because of it meaning I'm eventually going to lose my future wife to someone who is better than me. It means that I can never really be loved.

I really want to heal. I really want to feel that a woman can be loving to my personality and my body. Instead of falling for my personality and always wishing my looks were far better.

I'm sorry. This is one of my deepest and strongest fears. I am REALLY scared of a relationship that resembles the porn I used to watch too much.

I'm sorry. I don't want to offend or trigger anyone.

I'm sorry.

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#430168 - 04/05/13 04:11 AM Re: Erotic Romance Novels [Re: hurting&tryingtoheal]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3617
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey hurting&tryingtoheal,
don't be sorry, you didn't do anything offending. You were brave and honest and I admire your search for role model that would suite you better.
It is difficult for us sometimes to distinguish our fantasies form reality. As I've read all fantasies (even those unpleasant and that could remind us of abuse) have some healing powers.
I'll be honest and admit that I've watched sometimes same type of porn, anything that has incorporated some humiliation in emotional terms.
In background I was always felt down, sad, alone and somehow isolated when I'd search for such stimulus.
It was revelation form me when I found more about it in this article here:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/ArchivedPages/singer2.html
Basically things that I've seen are not those that made me feel bad but rather scars left from my past have driven me in search for such scenes.
And when I felt down I would look for something that would match my inner despair trough porn, such is my coping mechanism.
I also discovered that very powerful weapon against negative self image is reveling shameful sictrets trough writing, talk or whatever - like we are doing this moment.

Please search further for books or movies that would bring some good and positive picture of ordinary males if that is something that would encourage your confidence, you are not alone wink


Pero
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